Vulnerable
Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 5:31 am
Hi everyone,
I need to feel cared about tonight. I have so much going on and would just like to check in.
I have a long list of stressy crap all going on at the same time. I got sick in early August with a sinus infection. Amazingly I am still sick, though now it's just the post-viral bronchospasms and inflammation. Laughing or talking sometimes triggers the spasms and I can't breathe and I have a coughing fit. I am so exhausted from coughing for 6 weeks. I'm on Asmanex inhaled mist and tesalon pearls cough suppressant. I’ve improved some on these meds, but seem to have plateaued and am still coughing. I may need to go back to the Dr, but I don't have a dr right now, mine stopped taking my insurance. So I have to find a new one, which is harder than it seems because the last time I needed a new primary care dr people kept refusing me because I take an opioid, even though they wouldn’t have to prescribe it. It was crazy.
In the middle of all of this, my full time job is based on a contract with the state, which has been sent out for bid and we may not get the bid again. We are waiting to find out, hopefully Monday. So I am facing some employment uncertainty. Because I knew this uncertainty was coming up, I got a part time job, which I started in July. I work at the new job for about 10-12 hours a week. There is a huge learning curve at that job, so when I go there I feel a tremendous amount of anticipatory anxiety, like I'm going to the gallows. I like the job itself; it’s just the learning curve and not being sure if I’m going to make it or not.
Even if my full time job company does get the contract again, the terms may change, for example we may become hourly employees instead of salaried, or we may become contractors, or we might get paid less. And if they make structural changes to the job, it may interfere with my new part time job that I don’t want to give up. Or, if another company gets the contract, they may hire us former employees, but who knows if that would be on an hourly basis, or contract, or what. The part time job I got is something I’ve been waiting for 15 months for so I don’t want to give it up.
This week is especially busy. I try to plan my shifts at the new job so I’m never there 2 days in a row, which gives me time to do my other job and de-stress. But this week, I have to be at the new job for 3 days in a row due to some training on the day I would usually be off. That training is tomorrow. Also tomorrow, I have a dental cleaning in the morning and have to go walk my friend’s dogs because she’s out of town.
This morning, my dear little mini poodle got sick. He’s had some mild diarrhea for a few days. Yesterday he started getting lethargic, and this morning he was also trembling, which scared the crap out of me as I’ve never seen him tremble when he’s sick. I rushed him to the vet, even though I didn’t really have time for it because today I have to work both jobs. I was amazingly lucky that the vet worked us in immediately. We expect him to be ok; his bloodwork was good and he’s improving some already. Just some intestinal inflammation that he gets every once in a while that makes him feel really bad. He has meds for it now and I will be more attentive to the early signs when it starts up again next time.
As if all this weren’t enough, my car registration is overdue a month because the DMV appears to have lost my check. I am at risk of getting a ticket right now until I can deal with it.
Sunday some crazy lady in the store bumped into me and pretended like it didn’t happen, so I said “Excuse me,” kind of loudly, like a statement, ‘hey, I’m here you know!’ She took a step back, looked me up and down, and started yelling, “EXCUSE ME?! Well! La la la la! Other people need to shop too, you know!” It was so embarrassing because everyone in the store stopped what they were doing and stared. I just disengaged and walked away, but it was very upsetting to me because I couldn’t defend myself further, I just had to let her stuff fly because I was too angry and would have made it worse. I cried on the way home.
I am also having problems dealing with my mother. We do not have a good relationship. She is narcissistic and I have been deeply hurt by that over the years, to the point that our relationship is pretty much always on the rocks. I have tried to resolve it but have been unable because she can’t do her part; it’s all my fault. I am "too sensitive," etc etc etc. Last week, she called me and left a long message containing unsolicited advice on my voicemail, which made me mad because I’ve asked her so many times not to give me advice, yet she does it on my voicemail so I can’t stop it. So I just didn’t call her back. Then she sent me a two-liner email with the subject line, “I haven’t heard from you in a while.” The body of the message was, “How are you doing?” I didn’t answer that either. Then she called me again and left another voicemail. This was over the course of about 5 days. I finally answered her email and said that I was fine and I would call her when I could. I did not give word of when that will be, or why I can’t call now. In a few days or weeks, if I don’t contact her, I will get a hurt-sounding, dripping with guilt email, voicemail, or greeting card from her. Fun!
PMLS meds aren’t working that great right now either.
One thing I did do right tonight was I wrote this post in a word document so if something happened and the site crashed, at least I wouldn’t lose this long narrative of everything that sucks right now.
That's it...thanks for reading.
I need to feel cared about tonight. I have so much going on and would just like to check in.
I have a long list of stressy crap all going on at the same time. I got sick in early August with a sinus infection. Amazingly I am still sick, though now it's just the post-viral bronchospasms and inflammation. Laughing or talking sometimes triggers the spasms and I can't breathe and I have a coughing fit. I am so exhausted from coughing for 6 weeks. I'm on Asmanex inhaled mist and tesalon pearls cough suppressant. I’ve improved some on these meds, but seem to have plateaued and am still coughing. I may need to go back to the Dr, but I don't have a dr right now, mine stopped taking my insurance. So I have to find a new one, which is harder than it seems because the last time I needed a new primary care dr people kept refusing me because I take an opioid, even though they wouldn’t have to prescribe it. It was crazy.
In the middle of all of this, my full time job is based on a contract with the state, which has been sent out for bid and we may not get the bid again. We are waiting to find out, hopefully Monday. So I am facing some employment uncertainty. Because I knew this uncertainty was coming up, I got a part time job, which I started in July. I work at the new job for about 10-12 hours a week. There is a huge learning curve at that job, so when I go there I feel a tremendous amount of anticipatory anxiety, like I'm going to the gallows. I like the job itself; it’s just the learning curve and not being sure if I’m going to make it or not.
Even if my full time job company does get the contract again, the terms may change, for example we may become hourly employees instead of salaried, or we may become contractors, or we might get paid less. And if they make structural changes to the job, it may interfere with my new part time job that I don’t want to give up. Or, if another company gets the contract, they may hire us former employees, but who knows if that would be on an hourly basis, or contract, or what. The part time job I got is something I’ve been waiting for 15 months for so I don’t want to give it up.
This week is especially busy. I try to plan my shifts at the new job so I’m never there 2 days in a row, which gives me time to do my other job and de-stress. But this week, I have to be at the new job for 3 days in a row due to some training on the day I would usually be off. That training is tomorrow. Also tomorrow, I have a dental cleaning in the morning and have to go walk my friend’s dogs because she’s out of town.
This morning, my dear little mini poodle got sick. He’s had some mild diarrhea for a few days. Yesterday he started getting lethargic, and this morning he was also trembling, which scared the crap out of me as I’ve never seen him tremble when he’s sick. I rushed him to the vet, even though I didn’t really have time for it because today I have to work both jobs. I was amazingly lucky that the vet worked us in immediately. We expect him to be ok; his bloodwork was good and he’s improving some already. Just some intestinal inflammation that he gets every once in a while that makes him feel really bad. He has meds for it now and I will be more attentive to the early signs when it starts up again next time.
As if all this weren’t enough, my car registration is overdue a month because the DMV appears to have lost my check. I am at risk of getting a ticket right now until I can deal with it.
Sunday some crazy lady in the store bumped into me and pretended like it didn’t happen, so I said “Excuse me,” kind of loudly, like a statement, ‘hey, I’m here you know!’ She took a step back, looked me up and down, and started yelling, “EXCUSE ME?! Well! La la la la! Other people need to shop too, you know!” It was so embarrassing because everyone in the store stopped what they were doing and stared. I just disengaged and walked away, but it was very upsetting to me because I couldn’t defend myself further, I just had to let her stuff fly because I was too angry and would have made it worse. I cried on the way home.
I am also having problems dealing with my mother. We do not have a good relationship. She is narcissistic and I have been deeply hurt by that over the years, to the point that our relationship is pretty much always on the rocks. I have tried to resolve it but have been unable because she can’t do her part; it’s all my fault. I am "too sensitive," etc etc etc. Last week, she called me and left a long message containing unsolicited advice on my voicemail, which made me mad because I’ve asked her so many times not to give me advice, yet she does it on my voicemail so I can’t stop it. So I just didn’t call her back. Then she sent me a two-liner email with the subject line, “I haven’t heard from you in a while.” The body of the message was, “How are you doing?” I didn’t answer that either. Then she called me again and left another voicemail. This was over the course of about 5 days. I finally answered her email and said that I was fine and I would call her when I could. I did not give word of when that will be, or why I can’t call now. In a few days or weeks, if I don’t contact her, I will get a hurt-sounding, dripping with guilt email, voicemail, or greeting card from her. Fun!
PMLS meds aren’t working that great right now either.
One thing I did do right tonight was I wrote this post in a word document so if something happened and the site crashed, at least I wouldn’t lose this long narrative of everything that sucks right now.
That's it...thanks for reading.