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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 5:31 am
by leggo_my_legs
Hi everyone,

I need to feel cared about tonight. I have so much going on and would just like to check in.

I have a long list of stressy crap all going on at the same time. I got sick in early August with a sinus infection. Amazingly I am still sick, though now it's just the post-viral bronchospasms and inflammation. Laughing or talking sometimes triggers the spasms and I can't breathe and I have a coughing fit. I am so exhausted from coughing for 6 weeks. I'm on Asmanex inhaled mist and tesalon pearls cough suppressant. I’ve improved some on these meds, but seem to have plateaued and am still coughing. I may need to go back to the Dr, but I don't have a dr right now, mine stopped taking my insurance. So I have to find a new one, which is harder than it seems because the last time I needed a new primary care dr people kept refusing me because I take an opioid, even though they wouldn’t have to prescribe it. It was crazy.

In the middle of all of this, my full time job is based on a contract with the state, which has been sent out for bid and we may not get the bid again. We are waiting to find out, hopefully Monday. So I am facing some employment uncertainty. Because I knew this uncertainty was coming up, I got a part time job, which I started in July. I work at the new job for about 10-12 hours a week. There is a huge learning curve at that job, so when I go there I feel a tremendous amount of anticipatory anxiety, like I'm going to the gallows. :shock: I like the job itself; it’s just the learning curve and not being sure if I’m going to make it or not.

Even if my full time job company does get the contract again, the terms may change, for example we may become hourly employees instead of salaried, or we may become contractors, or we might get paid less. And if they make structural changes to the job, it may interfere with my new part time job that I don’t want to give up. Or, if another company gets the contract, they may hire us former employees, but who knows if that would be on an hourly basis, or contract, or what. The part time job I got is something I’ve been waiting for 15 months for so I don’t want to give it up.

This week is especially busy. I try to plan my shifts at the new job so I’m never there 2 days in a row, which gives me time to do my other job and de-stress. But this week, I have to be at the new job for 3 days in a row due to some training on the day I would usually be off. That training is tomorrow. Also tomorrow, I have a dental cleaning in the morning and have to go walk my friend’s dogs because she’s out of town.

This morning, my dear little mini poodle got sick. He’s had some mild diarrhea for a few days. Yesterday he started getting lethargic, and this morning he was also trembling, which scared the crap out of me as I’ve never seen him tremble when he’s sick. I rushed him to the vet, even though I didn’t really have time for it because today I have to work both jobs. I was amazingly lucky that the vet worked us in immediately. We expect him to be ok; his bloodwork was good and he’s improving some already. Just some intestinal inflammation that he gets every once in a while that makes him feel really bad. He has meds for it now and I will be more attentive to the early signs when it starts up again next time.

As if all this weren’t enough, my car registration is overdue a month because the DMV appears to have lost my check. I am at risk of getting a ticket right now until I can deal with it.

Sunday some crazy lady in the store bumped into me and pretended like it didn’t happen, so I said “Excuse me,” kind of loudly, like a statement, ‘hey, I’m here you know!’ She took a step back, looked me up and down, and started yelling, “EXCUSE ME?! Well! La la la la! Other people need to shop too, you know!” It was so embarrassing because everyone in the store stopped what they were doing and stared. I just disengaged and walked away, but it was very upsetting to me because I couldn’t defend myself further, I just had to let her stuff fly because I was too angry and would have made it worse. I cried on the way home.

I am also having problems dealing with my mother. We do not have a good relationship. She is narcissistic and I have been deeply hurt by that over the years, to the point that our relationship is pretty much always on the rocks. I have tried to resolve it but have been unable because she can’t do her part; it’s all my fault. I am "too sensitive," etc etc etc. Last week, she called me and left a long message containing unsolicited advice on my voicemail, which made me mad because I’ve asked her so many times not to give me advice, yet she does it on my voicemail so I can’t stop it. So I just didn’t call her back. Then she sent me a two-liner email with the subject line, “I haven’t heard from you in a while.” The body of the message was, “How are you doing?” I didn’t answer that either. Then she called me again and left another voicemail. This was over the course of about 5 days. I finally answered her email and said that I was fine and I would call her when I could. I did not give word of when that will be, or why I can’t call now. In a few days or weeks, if I don’t contact her, I will get a hurt-sounding, dripping with guilt email, voicemail, or greeting card from her. Fun! :roll:

PMLS meds aren’t working that great right now either.

One thing I did do right tonight was I wrote this post in a word document so if something happened and the site crashed, at least I wouldn’t lose this long narrative of everything that sucks right now. :lol:

That's it...thanks for reading.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 8:41 am
by legsbestill
Wow; you certainly put my travails into perspective. No wonder you are feeling miserable. That is a LOT to cope and some of it sounds like it will only be resolved with the passage of time which is disempowering.

I can absolutely relate to your problems with your mother. I also asked my mother to stop giving me advice. She maintains that she suffered from RLS when she was younger but I'm starting to doubt whether she actually had it. She is so dismissive - resentful even.

I am thinking of you and hope things gradually resolve in the best possible way. Am delighted that your poodle is on the mend at least. That was truly the icing on the cake.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:37 am
by Polar Bear
Sometimes life just seems too much and when we are feeling low it feels out of control.

This is probably what happened during the incident in the supermarket and why you were upset, it felt like another turn of the screw.
It seems trite to say 'This too will pass' but some of it will pass.
Your car registration will get sorted.
Your employment will have decisions made and then you will know what you are dealing with - uncertainty is horrible, I think it is anxiety superload.

This may sound silly - but would a 'to do' list help, ticking off little accomplishments is very liberating. I sometimes do this when I feel overwrought. Very soon you'll be ticking off your car registration issue.

Stressy crap is the pits. And to cap it all you are feeling ill. I think you really do need to see a doctor. Our system here in the UK is different and to not have a doctor would be unusual so I hope you do get yourself seen to soon. It's hard to see the positive while feeling poorly for so long, it pulls you down.

Especially hard having a new learning curve. I don't know what age you are (I am retired ) but from my own perspective a new learning curve is welcomed if it's of my choosing. However, if it was a learning curve that I was getting paid for, had targets and responsibilites, my performance anxiety would show itself. I know I will perform well but that doesn't stop the anxiety - I think I understand how you feel on this.

Please see a doctor regarding your ongoing illness, when you feel better physically other matters may not seem so daunting.

Take care.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:25 pm
by ViewsAskew
I hope sharing helped. Sometimes writing it down helps me, maybe for you, too. And, you know we have your back here! If I could help, I would. Sounds as if the worst is almost over....hope you hear soon from your job so you can plan. Not knowing is so stressful.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 5:47 pm
by yawny
Leggo, you're not alone in your misery, anxiety, worry, anger, frustration, and sadness. Forgive me if I attribute an emotion here that doesn't apply but these are the feelings I'd have if going through what you described. And I have had very similar experiences. I've gone through weeks where I wondered how I'm going to make it through the next week and somehow things do get better. Time passing, a good movie/show, cuddling with your poodle, connecting with a kind person, an episode of Oprah, rest and relaxation, a huge chocolate cupcake...they all can help. Best to you.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:23 am
by leggo_my_legs
Thank you all for your kindness. I am a little too overwhelmed to respond to each in depth right now. Your replies are seen and appreciated.

On the way to my training at my new job today, I got a slow leak flat tire. [At this point it would be reasonable to wonder if I'm a sympathy-seeking troll. But nope! This is actually my life this week!] :( :lol:

I was able to drive the car to the training and arrived safely and completed the training. Now I am waiting an hour for roadside assistance to tow me home. Then tomorrow I have to tow to the tire store as I don't have a spare. Oops I forgot about that.

It's manageable but I wish I didn't have to turn around and come right back to the new job again tomorrow afternoon. But alas, I do. I'm new and have already been out sick so I want to attend as scheduled.

On a positive note, my dental.appt went fine.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 4:26 am
by ViewsAskew
At the point of the flat tire, I'd either be crying inconsolably or laughing so hard I was crying....

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:00 am
by debbluebird
Hope stuff starts to improve soon. I've been at the end of my rope, and was able to get through it, you will too.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:34 pm
by Polar Bear
Oh no... a slow puncture... thank goodness for roadside assistance.

Finding that soft tyre I'd either have kicked it, or banged my head off the road in frustration. Well done - you were able to get to work.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 2:39 am
by Yankiwi
It seems as if Murphy is well and truly in charge of your life. I hope things get better soon.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:06 am
by leggo_my_legs
legsbestill wrote:Wow; you certainly put my travails into perspective. No wonder you are feeling miserable.

It is my pleasure to be your downward comparison. :lol: :wink: Sorry to hear you have mom problems too. Mothers and daughters...very difficult.

I'm still pretty scatterbrained so I'm going to reply to replies in separate replies. :D

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:14 am
by leggo_my_legs
Polar Bear wrote:Sometimes life just seems too much and when we are feeling low it feels out of control.
This is probably what happened during the incident in the supermarket and why you were upset, it felt like another turn of the screw.


Yes, tomorrow morning I'm going to the DMV to get the car reg done. [Makes me mad I have to go in person now because they lost my check but I guess that's the way it is. I could mail it again, but it takes awhile and I don't want to add getting a ticket to everything else I'm dealing with.]

Today I got the tire fixed...slowly but surely...and tomorrow is Friday! They were able to repair it which was nice, didn't cost me anything except time.

You are right, I absolutely need to go to the doctor. I'm getting stuck in my doesn't have to be my forever primary care doctor...I just need to get to A DR. I can worry about finding the long term doctor later. Even urgent care would be good enough. I will see if I can do that this weekend. At least to get a second opinion. I've had this post viral bronchospasm/asthma/inflammation before; I'm pretty sure that's still what it is, but I may just need some different meds than I'm on now to help it.

Ok I'm going to get to the rest of the replies another time...meds are kicking in, hopefully I will sleep well tonight.

I appreciate you all so much!!!

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:22 am
by debbluebird
Did they do a chest x-ray? Sometimes, walking pneumonia.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 6:34 am
by Polar Bear
You are sounding much more positive. One step at a time.

Re: Vulnerable

Posted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 7:00 pm
by ViewsAskew
Hope you slept well. That makes things even harder, as we all know.