Harassed by repair person

[leggo_my_legs]

I have just had an awful experience with a home repair person I have known and used for 4 years. This guy was referred to me by a man I knew and trusted, who had no idea that this repair person has the problem he does.

The repair guy, I'll call him J, has always been a flirt. I flirted back in the beginning, being rather naive to his con...I thought he liked me and might be serious about a relationship. Dumb I know. I was naive and lonely.

Anyway years ago I asked the referral source if J was married. He said he was pretty sure he was. I confronted J, told him I knew he was married, and told him to knock it off. J, of course, swears up and down he's divorced.

He stopped for the most part and it was ok. Until he started what I'll call his long con again. A fleeting touch here or there when I wasn't expecting it. And not every time. It caught me off guard.

Stupid me I thought if I didn't respond it would stop. I know better than that! I guess I didn't want to believe it was happening.

Until this past week, when he literally grabbed me in a forced hug. I am so disturbed by this incident. I tried to pull back but he held me there. I was so shocked that I didn't say anything and just gave in until he let go. It wasn't a super close hug but it was extremely disturbing to me. I tried to make eye contact with him after it as I was going to say something but he avoided my eyes.

There are no words to describe how I feel. I feel violated, disturbed, and angry. I know that this is literally how acquaintance rape happens. I certainly feel assaulted.

This man will never set foot in my home again. I just can't get rid of the dirty feeling. He also says classic creep things to me to make me think I'm leading him on. I have never touched him or joked about sex with him. I did, in the past find him funny and entertaining aside from his con. He seems to have interpreted that as sexual interest, which stopped long ago.

I am an intelligent, educated woman and I never thought something so creepy would ever happen to me. This person is a predator...he saw my vulnerabilities and exploited them.

I am left feeling silenced and deeply disturbed. I could file a complaint with his licensing board but I'm not sure that would be the best thing for me to move past this as it may just cause me more distress and also of course this jerk knows where I live.

I would love nothing more than to tell his wife, but that leads to the same concerns as above.

I will have to give it all some thought. Meanwhile, the dirty victimized feeling is hanging onto me. It's awful.

[Polar Bear]

I'm sorry you were subjected to this especially at a time when you were feeling lonely.

I'm also sorry to say that I reckon most women have at some time come across similar behaviour. Do you have a friend that you can talk with and bounce this off. J was certainly overstepping boundaries.

On two occasions this happened to me with the husband of a friend when I was in my late 20s.
First time, I had been visiting friend in hospital following the birth of her first son. She asked me to pick up baby clothes at her home and I called to do so. Her dh was also a friend, I'd known them for many years. When I called to the house her dh grabbed me in a (too close) hug which I put down to excitability on the birth of his son. However he proceeded to kiss me - I broke free and said .... if I get the baby stuff I'll get right back to 'friend'. It was not a kiss on the cheek so I tried to ignore it for what it really was and behaved like it had been just a friendly hug.
Second time, was years later in my home when he called (I can't recall why) and in my hallway dived in for a clinch..... I brushed it off and said 'Friend' will be waiting for you.
I knew that both these occasions were more than just being friendly but didn't want to ruin my longstanding friendship with Friend.
Thereafter there was never any time I was alone with him, I made sure of that.

Oh... there was also a previous occasion at his work where a complaint was made by a female staff member that he had been inappropriate, However, it eventually died a death and his wife believed it was the over-reaction of the staff member.
For some reason over the next year our friendship faded, friend became cool and eventually our communication ended. I often wondered if he had said something negative about me.

I do believe that if you feel the workman overstepped, then he did indeed overstep. Your gut instinct is unlikely to be wrong. You are perhaps feeling that you might have put him in his place at the time. And perhaps also feeling that you might have been aware that he was a fraud. That you missed the opportunity to deal with his behaviour at the time.

Look at it another way --- it shows what a nice person you are that you took him at face value. it was he who twisted the conversation to pretend that he thought you might be leading him on.

Perhaps you feel exploited and want closure - i.e. I am not a silly woman and you are a horrible predator.

I think talking it out with a good friend would be helpful.

[debbluebird]

This type always makes you feel that you are encouraging them. They are a predator. Try to let it go. If you can't, go and talk to someone.

[ViewsAskew]

Leggo - crap - meds are working and I am not making sense - had to delete what I wrote. I will leave this page open so I remember to come back when I am awake.

In the meantime - am thinking of you. Hope you can find a way to start letting go of any blaming of yourself. This is about him - not you.

[SquirmingSusan]

Ugh, what a creep.

[leggo_my_legs]

Look at it another way --- it shows what a nice person you are that you took him at face value.

So helpful! Thank you. Sorry to hear you had an awful experience too. Around the birth of your friend's baby too...that is so low.

I wrote about it...with the aim of publishing it somewhere. That helped a lot.

[leggo_my_legs]

Leggo - crap - meds are working and I am not making sense - had to delete what I wrote. I will leave this page open so I remember to come back when I am awake.

I want your med regimen!

Views, deb, susan...thanks for your support. It means a lot.

Yes I've improved with the self blame and feeling dirty. It took a week! That's a long time to feel so icky. In writing about it I found some freedom. I'm not sure if I'm going to publish it or not. Maybe in my professional organization's magazine...I work in mental health.

[ViewsAskew]

Crap - same again tonight....except tonight legs are bothering me while my eyes are barely open.

See if I can write this....

I was emancipated from my parents and on my own at 17. So, summers during college I would stay with whomever would have me. One year a college friend, one year my closest friend from high school, etc. My HS friend was married and they had a two bedroom. I paid rent and was only there three months. I worked nights as a server in a restaurant, so I would often be up late. One night around 2 AM, the husband of my friend came down from upstairs and wanted to talk. Sure, why not. I won't get into the details, but soon he has exposed himself to me. I left and went to bed.

Needless to say, that was a very, very, very screwed up situation. About 20 minutes later, I was asleep and I felt an object in my hand. Yep, husband was sitting in my bed with an erection and put my hand on it. My friend was in the room next door!!!! I jerked my hand away, took my clothes, got dressed in the bathroom, and left the house.

It was already August and I couldn't decide if I should tell my friend (and not have her believe me, most likely) or wait and hope he didn't say. Well, he said. And, as expected, she believed him and they kicked me out with about 2 weeks to go before school started.

She and I did mend fences after she divorced him and she found out other crappy stuff he did.

Glad you have stopped blaming yourself - it is NOT about you. Say that as often as you need!

[badnights]

Your gut instinct is unlikely to be wrong. You are perhaps feeling that you might have put him in his place at the time. And perhaps also feeling that you might have been aware that he was a fraud. That you missed the opportunity to deal with his behaviour at the time.

Betty is bang-on, as usual. I have felt exactly like that when I was taken advantage of. The absolute worst part is doubting yourself when he succeeds in making you feel guilty, as if you did something wrong - or is it much later, when you've realized you did nothing wrong, but you also realize you were too slow to catch on, you missed the opportunity to shut him down with the right words, body language, tone of voice; or even by slapping him - or kicking - haha these are all the things I wished I had done, afterwards.

[Polar Bear]

badnights --

[leggo_my_legs]

I won't get into the details, but soon he has exposed himself to me. I left and went to bed.

Needless to say, that was a very, very, very screwed up situation. About 20 minutes later, I was asleep and I felt an object in my hand. Yep, husband was sitting in my bed with an erection and put my hand on it. My friend was in the room next door!!!! !

Awful!!!! So sorry you went through that. Gross gross gross. Some people cant take no for an answer. In today's world you woulda whipped out the cell phone video and he'd be in the paddy wagon!

[leggo_my_legs]

The absolute worst part is doubting yourself when he succeeds in making you feel guilty, as if you did something wrong - .

Well said. Applies to multiple kinds of harassment [ie my neighbors too]. Is this really happening? Is it my fault? Maybe I'm just "interpreting" it wrong. At first, anyway!

[SquirmingSusan]

Ugh. As "leggo" said, that is gross, gross, gross! And we're surrounded by it these days.

[ViewsAskew]

Given how often we hear about the abuses women (and men) suffer at the hands of those in power, I imagine some other woman has a similar story to mine and it happened more recently. I hope all of this attention is helping women in all kinds of situations to speak up.