alcoholism

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Sadiegirl
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:19 pm
Location: Avon, IN

alcoholism

Post by Sadiegirl »

I was wondering if anyone has experience with alcoholism. I have a cousin who has been drunk now for 3 months. Yesterday her blood alcohol was .4 (In Indiana .08 is legally drunk). She needs her gallbladder removed, she is being treated for pancreatitis, and yesterday was diagnosed with hepatic liver which I guess is what comes just before sclerosis of the liver. I have talked with her, prayed for her, encouraged her but nothing seems to work. She recently was in a car accident and now has a DUI. Her license was removed, she lost her job, and she is going to lose custody of her child and lose her home. Is there anything that a person can do who is watching a loved one destroy their life. She says she doesn't want to die, but what is it going to take to make it real enough that she stops drinking.

Desperate to help but feeling helpless. Thanks for listening.
Laura

becat
Posts: 2842
Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2004 11:41 pm

Post by becat »

Hi Laura,
We (many of us ) have seen those types of trainwrecks coming and the truth is, there is little you can truely do for her.
Your love does not mean that you have to save her from her own hands. Your love does not mean that you must step in a fix what she alone is responsible to fix.
You can love her, hand her hand, pray for her and above all be honest with her and yourself.
Take care of yourdelf first and pray for her.
Hugs to ya .
Lynne

ViewsAskew
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Post by ViewsAskew »

Laura, that is so hard, isn't it. To love someone so much and watch them destroying their life and body. Does she have other close family members? You could try a professional intervention and see if it works. My stepdad is an alcoholic. When my sister was about 12 and my brother about 7, my mom and they decided that he had to stop or had to leave. They each decided on a particular story to tell him about why they loved him and why he was important, but how they needed him to leave if he couldn't stay sober. He agreed.

There are many theories on why people drink. Chemically, the brain's dopamine system is thougt to be involved and the brain is actually changed because of addiction, making it so difficult for people to stop. People also often drink because of pain- emotional, physcial, spiritual. She must be in a lot of pain to have liver damage, to have lost her job, and know to be facing losing her child and still feel the need so stronly to drink. Maybe she feels there are no other options.

There are probably some good books out there on doing interventions and things you can say to reach people. Ultimately, she will make the decisions, though, so please be careful of yourself. Please try to remember that none of us ever had the power to "make" anyone do anything, or that if you only would have done "x" she would be better. Make sure she knows you love her. Make sure she knows you care. Make sure she knows you will help her as best you can. And then let go and let God. It is out of your hands.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

Managing Your RLS

Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

jan3213
Posts: 1706
Joined: Wed May 26, 2004 8:46 pm
Location: Illinois

Post by jan3213 »

Laura

I can see how very much you love your cousin....but, I'd like to tell you my experience.

I have a brother who is an alcoholic. He's 12 years older than me, but looks like he could be my father. I honestly don't understand how he is still alive. But, he is. He's had many, many health problems because of his drinkng (or his drinking certainly attributed to these problems). His drinking has affected his relationship with his immediate family so badly that several of his children have had problems from severe emotional problems to dealing with addictions, themselves.

He and his wife have suffered so much. I hate to think what he has put his family through.

His drinking affected our relationship. Far too long, we had none. And, when I was a child, he was my "night in shining armor"--my beloved brother.

I say all of that to say this: It is ultimately his responsiblity to drink or not drink. However, I let my love for him fade. And, that was wrong.

He is now an old man (although he was old beyond his years before). His wife, who has stayed with him, says she is so glad she did. He has a relationship with his family and a "different" relationship with me---we love each other very much, but it's not the "Courier and Ives" family I always wanted.

I recently found out that my brother has PLMD. I also know that alcoholism "runs in families" and it's a sickness. I'm not taking any resonsibility from him. But, I don't belive, at this age, he can quit. He is much better--relationships have been healed and his wife, God bless her, is an absolute angel.

I guess what I'm getting at is let your cousin know that you love her, that you care deeply for her. I think back and wonder if I had been more loving, if that would have made a difference. Maybe not... And, believe me, I know how hard that is. There were times when I was so angry with him that.....well, let's just say I really didn't care what happened to him.

I wrote a letter to him one day---I thought he might tear it up. I spoke about what he had meant to me when I was young (I don't know if I had ever actually told him before). I talked about relationships and how easily they can be damaged. I talked about his health and what how much I worried about what his drinking was doing to him. I said a lot of things and didn't know if that would be the end of a very precarious relationship. However, a few days later, I received a dozen long stemmed red roses signed with a name I called him as a child.

We didn't have an intervention so to speak, but since the time I wrote that letter and the fact that my sister-in-law stood by him--my brother is a changed man. He drinks, but not nearly as much as he did. In fact, I'm not sure he gets drunk anymore--could be because he's so used to the alcohol. He loves life again and knows that he is loved.

Your cousin is young. An intervention might be a great idea. She needs help before she kills herself or someone else in a car accident. You need to be honest with her. You can't do this for her. And, she'll have to face the consequence of her actions. But, don't do what I did. Don't let yourself quit loving her. Even if you and your family have to show tough love, let her know that you love her.

I hope anyone reading this doesn't think that I take any resonsiblity away from my brother. I don't. Because of his drinking, a lot has been lost that can never be regained. But, my mistake was being selfish---not loving him anymore. You can throw your hands up in desperation---but love her, love her always. Because, you never know. Lives can be changed through love. They can.

God bless you.

Jan
No one is alone who had friends.

Sadiegirl
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:19 pm
Location: Avon, IN

Post by Sadiegirl »

Thank you so much for all your replies. Many of her family and friends and even her attorney are tiring of her and turning their backs on her. My aunt, who lives next door to her, is trying to keep her safe and keep others safe from her. Aunt Janie is physically and emotionally exhausted. I will keep on praying for both of them and loving them. I will continue to encourage her and help pick up the pieces if need be. There is a fine line between helping and keeping her safe and enabling her. We don't want to enable her.

I keep thinking there is a reason people are put through trials in their life. One day we will all know the reasons for the trials in our lives.

Thanks for all your advice and encouragement. An intervention may be necessary if she can't do this herself. I pray the health problems now with her liver will be what scares her into sobriety.

Laura

ViewsAskew
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Post by ViewsAskew »

Laura, it is hard to stay supportive of someone when they are that self-destructive. It's hard to believe that they "can't" make better choices and to find empathy. You are so right about the fine line regarding enabling. She is lucky to have you.

Have you heard of the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" written by Rabbi Kushner? It is a very well written book and, to me, is very helpful with the idea of whether or not things happen for a reason. It is especially helpful to people who believe in a Judeo-Christian God, but helpful even for those who do not.

It's possible, as Rabbi Kushner suggests, that not everything is ordained. That there is randomness and that there isn't always a lesson to learn or a reason for everything.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

Managing Your RLS

Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

jan3213
Posts: 1706
Joined: Wed May 26, 2004 8:46 pm
Location: Illinois

Post by jan3213 »

I just want to make it clear that I never enabled my brother. Never...
Sorry for my long-winded post.

Jan
No one is alone who had friends.

lyndarae
Posts: 620
Joined: Mon Jul 19, 2004 6:55 pm
Location: pocatello,Idaho

Post by lyndarae »

Hello Laura, I am Lyndarae and I am an alcoholic. I have been in AA for almost 3 years now. GOD willing I will be sober 3 years on May 31st. I'm sorry to hear about your cousin she has a disease. And it probably runs in the family. We are powerless over alcohol. There is nothing you can do for her until she is ready to stop the addiction. Has she been to AA? It saved my life. I would probably not be here today if I hadent had a miracle happen to me that sent me running through the doors of AA. WE alcoholics can not do it alone, it works because we are one alcoholic helping another. We understand each other. I can suggest to you and any other family members to look in your phone book for the closest Al-Anon group ( for families and friends of alcoholism). I go to an Al-Anon meetings on friday and it is a wonderful way to learn how to deal with your feelings. And how to deal with your cousin. If she is saying she is ready to stop you can also call AA and tell them you need a 12th step call. That is where two alcoholic women will come to your cousins house and talk to her. They will take her to a meeting if she will go, and they will support her all the way if she wants it. An intervention will only work if she wants to stop drinking.. It is the hardest thing for a normie to understand we alcoholics do not like ourselfs and the pain we cause in fact the guilt and shame is so painful the only thing that can take it away is alcohol for a while. It is not in her heart to be hurting everyone she is sick of being sick and tired. Most the time alcoholics feel the only way out of it is death. That is how way sick our minds become. we actually believe that everyone would be better off if we were dead, and it seems normal to feel that way. I have a very dear friend right now who I met in AA but she went back out, I helped get her into a treatment center and she checked herself out. I have helped her all I can she called me not long ago and I could here the sickness in her voice I did not answer the phone, it breaks my heart but I can not keep her sober only she has the power to do that. I wish you and your family all the best and I will pray for your cousin,God knows I know what she is feeling~~~~~~~~~~~Lyndarae

Sadiegirl
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:19 pm
Location: Avon, IN

Post by Sadiegirl »

Lyndarae, Some of the things you mentioned are so on target. I have heard from my cousin how ashamed she is, embarrassed, how much pain she has caused and how much she doesn't want to drink. She is so sad and depressed because of her actions she has thought of killing herself. She has also been cutting herself. I know she has so much pain, guilt, shame inside. I also know she has alot of love, compassion and goodness in her. She has been to a rehab hospital (in patient) a couple times. She has also been to AA meetings. She is supposed to go every night and get paperwork signed to prove she was there, however, she has not been going. She also has a psychiatrist that she is to see but she has cancelled some of those appointments. Even though she has been to AA meetings in the past, would a 12 step call be of help do you think? I have not heard of this. Thank you for your sharing your experience with me. I believe there are reasons for some of the trials we go through and I believe one of them is to help others through the same trials as you have done. God Bless you. Laura

lyndarae
Posts: 620
Joined: Mon Jul 19, 2004 6:55 pm
Location: pocatello,Idaho

Post by lyndarae »

Dear Laura, YOu can't even imagine the shame an alcoholic lives with,but it's not really living we don't know how to live because we are living in a lie and it's a never ending circle. There are alot of people who come in to program with slips from the judge they have to attend meetings. Most of them do not want to be there. 1 out of 30 will get sober and that one doesnt have a very good chance of staying sober. The odds are against us. I consider myself a miracle.............BUT there is no cure and a drink is only a arms length away everyday. the thing with program is you have to try alot of different meetings until you find one that fits for you alcoholics always feel alone even when they are in a room full of people. You have to put yourself out there and ask for help. If she has asked for help you can ask her about a 12step call. But if she doesnt agree to it then it's of no use. Maybe you could tell her you will go with her to a meeting. Here we have a womens meeting and it's awesome. For some reason alot of people think we are a bunch of people sitting around smoking and whinning about ourselfs. It's nothing like that. If she wants to get sober she can do it. I wish I could help more because she is in a bad place with all her health issues on top of the alcoholism. And she might have already given up. I hope not, but if she has been to AA and went back out and not going back she probably wont go back. It sounds like most the family has given up on her as well. For me to get sober I had to loose my family..........as sad as that sounds thats what it took for me to get it. and admit I AM powerless over alcohol~~~~~~~~~~Lyndarae

Sadiegirl
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:19 pm
Location: Avon, IN

Post by Sadiegirl »

I just wanted to post an update on my cousin. She no longer any money so she is resorting to $2 mouthwash to get drunk. Did you know listerine has 26% alcohol in its mouthwash? I didn't. She called me today wanting a ride to the store to get mouthwash not knowing I knew about the alcohol content. Also, today her attorney who was going to represent her in the DUI hearing and her custody hearing dropped her. He too is a recovering alcoholic. He basically gave her a two hour lecture of where she is headed and the picture is not pretty. He asked that he be invited to her funeral when she dies. He suggested getting her a picture ID made now so they can identify her when she is found dead. He told her, her chances of getting any kind of custody of her 3 year old boy was gone. She will be lucky to get supervised visitation at a 3rd neutral location.

This is a very sad situation for her. I can only imagine what how much power and control alcohol can have on some, many people. How desperate you become to get it. I pray for her safety and her recovery.
I know this is not an AA forum so I thank you for listening. :(

jan3213
Posts: 1706
Joined: Wed May 26, 2004 8:46 pm
Location: Illinois

Post by jan3213 »

I'm so sorry, Sadiegirl. I wish I could say something..........

Jan
No one is alone who had friends.

lyndarae
Posts: 620
Joined: Mon Jul 19, 2004 6:55 pm
Location: pocatello,Idaho

Post by lyndarae »

Sadiegirl you are doing the only thing you can do for her is praying she is in GODS hands and he is the one in control. She is in my prayers and so are all of you she is hurting ~~~~~~~~~~~~~Lyndarae

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