Dog's Best Friend

[Walking After Midnight]

OK. So I'm over at my buddy Dan's house. He's got two dogs. They used to be Great Danes but now they're a Great Dane and a Pitt Bull. I'm trying to establish a replenishing of dogs to you...one dies and another pops up at Dan's house. He’s always had a couple dogs running around. And…it's always the same thing there, it goes like this; (1) I step in the door and (2) get mauled by the dogs.
The first thing I have to do, every visit, is go into the bathroom, which is five steps from the front door and wash the K-9 mucous off of my hands. I guess I should be glad the dogs think so highly of me, but truthfully, I don’t like them nearly as much as they like me.
Dan is a good friend; I've known him since high school when he was the Drummer for the best local High School rock band around..."The Days of Youth". He's one of those guys who you just want to hang around with. When he plays the drums, and I can remember this from my early teens, he's got this kind of Mick Fleetwood type of face...serious and almost expressionless but you can still tell he's having the time of his life. He’s into a lot of artsy type stuff. He’s ingenious and creative. One time I remember he made an electric guitar out of a wooden chair seat. He does a lot of stuff like that, still. And...he loves big dogs.
So there I am walking in the front door and getting licked to death. Lately, I've started to put my hands up in the air, or stick them in my pocket and say things like "YUCCKKK. DOG SPIT!", and Dan and Jane laugh and say..."Floyd stop bothering Randy". But Floyd STILL bothers me every time. He sticks his nose in my pocket and licks my hand. He loves my hand and I don't know why. He likes to make me move in weird ways by darting between my legs when I’m walking. He likes to act like he’s going to jump on me. But mostly he just licks me. Sometimes I think about rubbing chili powder or some sort of nasty oil on my hand so when he licks them he starts yelping. But then, how am I going to explain THAT to Dan?
And sometimes I think I'm just going to sit Dan and Jane down and go..."Look. You guys know I like to come over, but your Dogs are putting their gross tongues all over me EVERYTIME". But what kind of person does that? It’s not like Dan’s dogs are attacking me, they’re just licking me. What kind of creep says..."You're OK but I hate your dogs"? Nobody I want to know.
I almost got in a fight one time with my Brother in Law. I'm pushing six foot, so it’s not like I’m helpless, but Troy is 6'4, young and ready. We're over there for a cookout and here comes his Lab. This dog thinks that everyone loves him and so he’s being “friendly”, trying to breed with the kids, jumping up on people and I see him wagging the tail and heading my way. So I take the stance...Hands In Pocket. He starts licking my wrist. Troy is laughing. I go..."Hey man. Why don't you put this thing on a leash? I don't even like dogs and I gotta get a friggin’ bath by this fleabag. It's nasty." And Troy comes unglued, then we're in each other's face and I'm actually glad the women are stepping in 'cause it hurts a lot to get beat up now. Anyway, I found out where I stood with Troy that day: a couple steps below Duke. Or King or whatever his name is.
The truth of the matter is, I don't even really dislike dogs. I even consider myself sort of a Dog Fancier. I have actually bought Dog magazines to take to work and keep myself occupied. I recognize lots of different breeds..."Say. How old is your Dachshund?" and "Your Basenji is very well behaved for a breed known to be erratic." Stuff like that. I admire Dogs, but I don't want one. And I don't want to be licked by one.
Have you ever seen the commercials on TV for like, flea collars or dog food where the Dog's owner is on his knee rubbing the shoulders of his best friend after a game of Frisbee and the Dog is licking the person all over his lips? The DOG IS LICKING A PERSON ON HIS MOUTH for crying out loud! How sick are people? Where has that tongue been? Then the guy stands up, gives the wife a kiss and asks what’s for dinner?
We were watching the Westminster Kennel Club show one night, I’m not sure about this, and I hate to think this is the truth but it looks like the Handlers are keeping some sort of small sponge or something in their mouths, then taking it out and letting the dogs lick it for a reward and then putting it back in their own mouths. It can’t be happening though. I refuse to believe it. And have you seen the judges at those shows making sure a male dog has both of it’s…uh…(as my Dad says) seeds? I saw one elderly woman judge. She had on a long black dress, nice diamond ear rings and necklace, looked like she had just left the Governor’s Ball. Every dog was fondled. I’m wondering if she was that picky when she checked her possible future Spouses out. Opened his mouth, looked at his gums, stood his ears up, did a seed check, patted him on the rump and asked him to walk down, then back.
The truth is, I’m just too much of a wimp to actually say anything to Dan or Jane. It’s probably better that way anyway. I think they’re kind of catching on that I’m not as much of a Dog Lover as they are and I know they’re not going to put Floyd and what’s his name away every time company comes over. Maybe I’ll buy a raincoat.

[ctravel12]

WAM that is so cute. You made my day. I needed that one. Keep up the good work. BTW I am a dog lover and have one too

[Rubyslipper]

My daughter has a big black lab that is the friendliest dog in the world. My husband hates him. For some reason Jimbo fixates on Kenny's shoes. He licks and licks and Kenny fusses and fusses. He's not too smart (the dog, not Kenny) and thinks he's a lap dog but he's just a big cutie (again, the dog not Kenny). Even though they now have my wonderful grand-daughter, Jimbo is part of the family. When I come to visit they start saying, "Jimbo, look it's GRANDMA!!! The poor dog gets so excited (why, I have no idea) that he pees all over the place. Now I don't care for dogs licking me all over either; but I would much prefer the dog lick my hand than pee all over my legs and shoes. (He IS a big dog). I have a beagle and a bagel (bassett and beagle mix) and a red-heeler. But they stay outside so don't cause too much trouble, at least until it's time to leave. At that point the heeler, Ranger, tries to bite your tires until you are out of the drive. WAM, I love my dogs but I promise that if you come to visit, they won't even be allowed near you. Maybe instead of rubbing something on your hands that tastes yucky, you could bring in a couple of big bones for them to chew on. Open the door, toss them in as far away as possible and see which one wins the popularity contest--you or the bones.

[walkindafloors]

My dh has always been a dog lover and I like dogs, but not 50! We are now breeding pits (the bully style, not the fighting dogs) and I can't stand it when I get the dog slobber all over me when I'm out there feeding and messing with them! If the truth be known, WAM, that woman judge is missing something in her life! (Don't you wonder what the dog is thinking!) And the TV commercial...well, not only who knows where that tongue has been but rather YOU KNOW where that tongue has been!!!
If you friends are truly friends, you should tell them how bad the slobber gets to you - we only keep one dog in the house, but when friends come over that I know don't have dogs (a sure sign they are not going to love mine) I put Ike in his kennel. If my dh did not put up with my slobbering mess when my rls kicks in, I'd put my foot down about his dogs, but it's a compromise of sorts. Maybe next visit you should walk in wearing your rain coat, gloves, boots, etc. then make a joke about the slobber...a fun way to let them know may break the ice and open up the discussion for them to HEAR how bad it affects you (or is this one of your creative stories to get folks going here!). Some of these dog lovers (not only the tail wagging ones, but especially the tongue licking ones) are immune to realizing some people don't share their passion.
In my work, I encounter lots of people and their dogs...once a little one kept humping my leg as I stood there interviewing the woman so I just raised up my leg to "push" it off and she about had a heart attack, saying I kicked her baby and had to rush it off to the vet (probably to avoid answering my questions). The think I hate worse of all, even more than the slobber, is when the dog keeps having to smell you (not just your pant leg) and the owner won't call em off!

[b_rwhite5]

Hi WAM. I loved your post. You seem like the type of person who has a great sense of humor. I got my Associates Degree a few years ago and I have worked in several Veterinarian hospitals. I was a Vet Tech but decided the job wasn't for me. Anyway, I am like you, I can't stand getting licked by a dog. Even if their months are "clean". I have a White German Shepard and a English Springer Spaniel who both are fenced in in my yard. They know better than to lick. I love my dogs, but I can't stand their slobber. I never understood how people keep big dogs in their house. I guess the must have a pretty big house and lots of room. I am a neat freak to, but thats just me. I think if it works for them then thats great, but its not something I am comfortable with. I agree with walkinthefloors. The raincoat idea might not be such a bad idea. Or like you said, you could put something that tastes terrible on your hands so that the dogs would think twice next time. A cayenne pepper is a good idea, you could always so you were making chili. If it was me, I would just tell them, but sometimes my mouth gets me into trouble. I tend to speak my mind alittle too much. You could tell your friend in a serious but nice way that you would appreciate it if the would not let their dogs lick you. The dogs probably like your scent so if you would have something alittle less appealing they might stop. Another idea, you could put something sour or that tastes really bad in your pocket and see if that works. I think that if your friendship means that much to Dave, he would understand that you don't like to be licked.