For those with Grown kids?????

[tazzer]

ok your kids are grown out of the house, did any of you have a kid that just drove you insane????!!! i have a 15 yr old, that in 5th grade read at a 10th grade level, made all A's and B's until she hit high school and now we got the friggin attitude and grades that suck. i mean this child has been in pace classes (advanced classes) . i know i had attitude when i was a teenager, but i kept my grades up. she acts like she is just gonna slide through life and not have to lift a finger. i know she is mad because we moved from texas, but i am at the end of my rope.

please feel free to overload me with advice!

note her high school is overcrowded, and the new one wont be finished for 2 yrs. the teachers apparently don't care because they never call or let me know she isn't doing her homework, i just get a progress report in the middle of the six weeks. her dad and i are going next week to meet with somebody in charge of that school and get some answers why i am not informed that this child is not doing her work! i can't make her do something that i don't even know she has! aaaghh!!!

dee

[Rubyslipper]

My kids are all grown and gone but I remember the "attitude" especialy in our youngest daughter. It sounds like your daughter has a lot going on in her life and it isn't going the way she wants. We nver tried counseling but always thought it was a good idea. I think you are on the right track by going to the school and asking for accountability from them. Remind them firmly that they are there to educate and support your daughter. That means letting you know if there is a problem and finding a way to fix it. Maybe she is bored since she is so smart and needs a challenge. Maybe something even outside of school that she is interested in. Of course, that depends on how her grades are also. I really feel for you because it is all so frustrating. If you knew what the probelm was, you could start working on it. Hang in there and let us know what happens.

[eliza]

Hi Dee,

I do have an abundance of advice on this one. This is a tough age for many girls and parents. For some it is just a stage (which often resolves by the end of their 16th year), but unfortunately for many there can be damage lasting long after. One fairly obvious consequence is that a low GPA and poor choices now will influence college entrance and scholarship possibilities. Unfortunately in some cases, that is the least of the bad consequences. There are several things you should do ASAP.

First, it is imperative that you find out what is going on. You or you and your husband (not sure if you’re married) should meet with each teacher separately. Approach them positively. They will be more willing to help you as you go through this. You should give your daughter a heads up that you’re meeting with them. Get as much information out of them as possible. While they technically cannot tell you about other students, some may give you extremely valuable insights. Ask them if you should be concerned about your daughter’s friends. Ask them what your specific concerns should be. If you’re lucky, they may tell you what the concerns are with specific friends. At least in our state, students will confide in counselors because they, by law, cannot relay any of the information to anyone. After you are armed with all the information from the teachers, go to the counselor and he/she will probably help you by phrasing things in generalities at the very least. If you find your daughter’s friends are a scary influence, I would highly recommend you ask the counselor to make sure she is not with them in any of her new classes next semester – without your daughter knowing it was your request. Without the negative peer pressure, she may again find her “self.” But, if she finds you caused her to be separated from her friends, she will blame you for her “terrible” life.

Second, if this is an annoying stage, or a serious one, it is critical that you learn ways to keep open lines of communication and a positive relationship with your daughter. You have to “learn” ways to talk to her so that she will listen. It will provide a relationship that you can rely on in good times and bad. There is one book that I would recommend. I’m not sure I can post it, but I will email it to you. The philosophy is simple and you don’t have to analyze every single statement to figure out how to respond. There are specific key phrases that are easy to apply. But it still is not a parent’s natural response – that’s why I say you have to learn it. The basic philosophy is to know what “you” can control and what you cannot. “You” cannot control your daughter’s behavior at school. However, you can very strongly influence her decisions with what you can control. You can usually influence her decisions to the point that it becomes a no-brainer. Yet it is her decision. She can’t blame you.

You also need to be careful not to express anger. This gives her just the excuse she needs to blame you and cut off communication. Learn to empathize. When she makes a poor decision and things go badly, with empathy say something like – “What a bummer – what are you going to do?” It is an amazing learning opportunity for her. You’ll be amazed at what she may come up with for a solution that avoids that consequence in the future. I have found, the smarter they are, the better you have to be at knowing how to communicate. They are more clever and can more adeptly apply their smarts to failing if they feel pressured to do so or are rebelling.

Also, if her friends are not dangerous, make them welcome in your home. Most kids aren’t “bad” but many are troubled and tragic. You will begin to understand why your daughter feels for these kids. When you empathize about them with your daughter, you may be surprised at what she may confide in you. At that point, she will most likely accept your concerns that she not go to their house, especially if you encourage her to have them at yours. You may soon be able to talk about how to help them without jeopardizing her own future.

Finally, find out the positive things that she enjoys and facilitate them to the greatest extent you can. It may be a community college class in the arts, or travel, or science, or even crew rowing lessons. It is a time to encourage her to dream big. She is smart enough to know what she needs to do to accomplish those dreams. Do what you can to provide the means to achieve those dreams starting now.

Your daughter is very lucky to have caring parents. Let us know how it goes. You will be in my prayers.

Eliza

[Neco]

I'm not a parent, and I have no plans of being one, but I can still relate to your problems.

I was taken out of the public school system in the middle of the 5th grade, and put into some state funded crap for "special kids with special needs", told I had emotional problems (which oddly enough never surfaced until I started going to the school) and a multitude of other crap. The end result was me dropping out after my second year of 9th grade, and finally just getting my GED, license and a job at 24. Growing up I was widely regarded as "the smartest" of my two siblings, always being told how smart I was, simply because I learned computers inside and out from a real early age.

Low GPAs definitely signal some kind of problem, but the problem with that (another problem?!!) is, there are so many problems that may be the problem.... Are you still with me? heh..

She may be bored in class. My brother had the same problem with math in highschool, he was bored, never showed his work because he often just did it in his head, never got good grades because the teacher apparently thought he was cheating or something.

Or it may just be that she's mad you guys moved, that is very true. Her way of acting out, which she may not even realize, is this attitude change. When I hit 12 things between my dad and I were kind of rocky, and at 14 it was anything from who could fit the most curse words into an insult, to him kicking (literally) my **** out the door with no shoes and me sleeping in the woods (he came looking of course). Many holes in the wall, etc. I think we finally parted ways after I systematically destroyed my bedroom door with my bare hands (I'm scrawny, not built at all) after a big shouting match. After that is was just another person in the house when we saw or passed by each other. (Now we see each other a lot being in the same line of work)

I never performed well in school, but when I chose to actually do something I could do an entire days worth of classwork in 2 or 3 hours tops. Smart kids with emotional trauma are often the ones who suffer the most. One situation leads to another, leads to apathy, leads to falling through the cracks.

Give your daughter some space, but try to talk to her from time to time. Whether it is taking her out somewhere "special" for no reason and then ambushing her when her guard is down (you'd be surprised how easy it is to make kids talk) or try and have a serious discussion. All I can say is, don't convey (or appear to) dissapointment. Say something like "I don't care about straight A's or a 4.0 GPA I just want to know what's bothering you".

Each kid is like breaking a combination lock with a million different combinations.. But if you are persistently unintrusive, you may get good results without her even realizing it.

[ViewsAskew]

You've gotten such wonderful replies, Dee. I have a few off-hand things to add.

As a parent, I found it sooooo hard not to take things personally - other people's advice included! What was easier for all of us was a neutral party. That can be a counselor at school, church, or private place. Or even a mediator. Anyone who can empathize with both of you, but listen without getting panties in a bunch . It doesn't have to be everyone, either. Sometimes a neutral third party can just help you see things from a different perspective.

One thing that I definitely learned is that if you keep doing what you have always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got. Something has to change. . .and it's probably got to be you and your husband (at first). She'll change, too, but that will be when you change how you talk to her and what you expect from her. If we always confront, we get the same response. If we always avoid, we get the same response. Whatever our natural inclination to conflict, if we don't change it, we can't get different results.

I heard several recommendations about listening. I couldn't agree more. It's just really, really hard to do. Listen without judging. Letting her stuff belong to her. Just empathazing, and not trying to save her. Very, very hard. But, it really does work amazingly well.

I wish you well, Dee. I lived through two boys - a year apart, both step-children that became part of my life when they were 14 and 15. We had some very rocky times. We got through them, though at the time I wasn't sure we would.

[jan3213]

Hey Dee

I've read this thread several times, and decided I'd chime in.

You've received some great advice. All I'm going to say is we have twin daughters and a son---all grown up now. And, one thing I now is that being a parent is the most frustrating, exasperating, wonderful job in the world. All of those things.

I know you're on the right track going to school and talking to your daughter's teachers. Something is definitely bothering her and I know from person experience that she will probably not want to tell you what it is. But, maybe you'll get some hint by talking to people who see her every day outside of her home.

Ruby had some great advice, also, about making your home welcome to her friends. When our girls were in high school, and jr. high, our home was "the" home for their friends. Sometimes it was crazy around here, but I knew their friends and they talked to me. The same with our son. We had rules, etc., but they all seemed to like coming to our home.

Our daughters were competitive and always made good grades, but our son had learning disabilities caused by his premature birth. So, we ran th gambit as far as grades were conerned---from valedictorian to our son, who was very smart, but struggled in school. We never compared him to our daughters and vice versa.

We weren't perfect parents by a long shot. I would lose my temper, so would my husband. I know I made mistakes---I'd like to see the parent who doesn't. But, your daughter is a very lucky young woman to have such caring parents. That's the most important thing. You love her, you care about her future and what's happening to her now. That will go a long way, Dee.

My husband works in a special education district and he sees all kinds of home environments. Too many parents are too busy or too wrapped up in themselves to care. You aren't and that's a big plus in my book.

Good luck, Dee. I know with the love you and your husband have for your daughter, everything will turn out good. Please let us know.

Hugs
Jan

[Walking After Midnight]

It's probably that music she's listening to.


Sorry Dee. I'm not making fun or light of the situation, but it just came out...you know 'cause I was giving you a hard time about your music.

I hope it works out for you Dee. I'm sure it will. I know we had a problem with our youngest son, his grades started falling, was getting into a fight EVERY week, and it lasted for a year...then he changed back and started working at it and getting good grades again, stopped fighting, and is a pretty pleasant kid to have around right now...he's a sophomore. I hope it's over.
But I feel for you. It wasn't any fun as a kid to not get along with parents and it's not any fun as an adult to not get along with a child.

[tazzer]

oh you would faint and fall out if you listened to her music, even i don't care for most of it! lol one word Slipknot! lol they are so lovely with their kabuki and clown masks on.

anyhoo, thanks, at least I know that I am not the only one with a pain in the butt kid at the moment!

dee