Ch ch ch changes

[brandy]

As many of you know, I went through a very painful divorce back in August. I had a difficult time for a while, but I am right as rain now and grateful to my ex-husband for deciding he'd never been in love with me. I'm happier now than I have been in ages. I am dating a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. The thing is, my husband was a taker and I'm a giver and I basically spent the entirety of our marriage exhausted. He did not work regularly and dropped out of 3 master's programs (while I would work 3 jobs and go to school full-time as a master's student). The thing is, I currently work as the Admissions Director for the school from which I graduated. I took the job because my husband had put us so deeply in debt and refused to work more than part-time. My dreams of working with AIDS orphans had to go on the back burner indefinitely. My current job involves a great deal of travel and is rather like a sales job which does not fit with my personality at all. It, too, has exhausted me. And I don't even have to tell you how much RLS can exhaust you. After augmenting several months back, fighting with doctors and treatments and still going through periods where I don't get a good night's sleep for days or weeks, I am physically exhausted, too. Well, for the first time, perhaps in my entire life, I'm going to take care of myself. I have given notice of my resignation. I love the school, but the job is sapping the teensy bit of energy I had left after an exhausting marriage and and exhausting lifestyle of maintaining a 4.0 in my master's work and working up to 3 jobs and fighting RLS. My plan is to get a job with an office managment temporary agency (with which I worked several years ago) so that I can have regular hours, no investment, no travel and no nights or weekends. I can spend the rest of that time rediscovering who I am, what I like/want to do and research Ph.D. programs and prepare for all of the application rigamarole. All that said, I ask for your thoughts and prayers because my parents will not be happy about this decision and I seriously doubt that very many people are going to get why I'm doing this. But, I want to start my Ph.D. program with my glass full, rather than hanging on by one frazzled thread. Sorry about the long post. Thanks for listening and any advice on how to deal with people who are not supportive would be greatly appreciated. I am a people-pleaser, have always been the "good kid" and am not sure how to do what I think is best and not let the benefit of my choice be shot down by my acceptance of judgment and criticism of others.

[sardsy75]

((((HUGS)))) first up for you Brandy

My divorce became final in mid-October ... and it was messy and nasty. Heck ... I cant help it if I'm not the one who's got a corporate ladder to climb and can only work the hours my body will allow me ... and neither can you.

My current job involves a great deal of travel and is rather like a sales job which does not fit with my personality at all. It, too, has exhausted me. And I don't even have to tell you how much RLS can exhaust you. After augmenting several months back, fighting with doctors and treatments and still going through periods where I don't get a good night's sleep for days or weeks, I am physically exhausted, too. Well, for the first time, perhaps in my entire life, I'm going to take care of myself. I have given notice of my resignation. I love the school, but the job is sapping the teensy bit of energy I had left after an exhausting marriage and and exhausting lifestyle of maintaining a 4.0 in my master's work and working up to 3 jobs and fighting RLS.

Your body has obviously been screaming "Enuff already" at you for quite a while, so my advice to you is take some time out for yourself ... and by "some time out", I mean a good 2-3 months, even more if you can. Rest as much as possible; do the things you enjoy doing, even if its reading a book or doing craft. Your health comes first. I learnt that the hard way & ended up in Emergency at 3am with a full blown anxiety attack ... all brought on because I was so utterly exhausted both physically and mentally, from: my job, lack of sleep, hiring and firing neuros, changing drugs every other day in an attempt to find relief ... it finally drove me over the edge!

"Take stress leave" was the advice from my former colleagues ... b*gger that!!! I wasn't stressed ... I was simply exhausted ... BIG difference; and besides, here in Australia, despite "stress leave" being the "in thing", it actually puts a big black mark against your name for the rest of your working life, as when you apply for any positions in the future, a prospective employer will see "stress leave" on your resume' or hear about it from a referee and automatically think "uh oh ... can't handle pressure". However, I digress.

I ask for your thoughts and prayers because my parents will not be happy about this decision and I seriously doubt that very many people are going to get why I'm doing this. But, I want to start my Ph.D. program with my glass full, rather than hanging on by one frazzled thread. Sorry about the long post. Thanks for listening and any advice on how to deal with people who are not supportive would be greatly appreciated. I am a people-pleaser, have always been the "good kid" and am not sure how to do what I think is best and not let the benefit of my choice be shot down by my acceptance of judgment and criticism of others.

Brandy ... this is YOUR life. Not your mom's ... not your dad's ... not your friend's ... it's YOURS ... and you are FREE to do what you like. I feel like you and I are going through exactly the same thing, only the timing is different. I have lost so many friends over the past 2 years because of my marriage break up its beyond a joke. I used to wonder what i'd done wrong ... now I say "their loss!". I choose to live my life the way I want; doing the things I enjoy. If you've been reading my posts, you'll know that i'm in a relationship with the most wonderful man ... who also happens to have full custody of three children. My mum didn't take my initial marriage separation to well ... nor did the divorce sit well with her ... but to have her eldest daughter involved with a man with kids??? That's just not on! Well, it IS on!!! I love him, I love the girls, and they all love me. We're happy ... and that's what you're striving for ... happiness!

What I'm trying to say is ... STOP living your life to please other people and start living your life the way you want to live it. We work to live, not live to work. If it ruffles a few feathers, raises a few eyebrows, and you lose a few friends along the way, so be it, they were obviously not true friends to begin with ... and as I said earlier ... their loss!!! Your parents will get used to all the changes; just give them time. As my dad would say "You're big enuff and 'ugly' enuff to look after yourself" (no insult intended, purely tongue in cheek) ... so do just that!

Happiness is your goal Brandy. You've found your dream man ... you know that its time for some "YOU TIME" ... you know what you want to do to slow your working life down to a manageable level ... you know where you want your life to head ... so by golly gosh ... go do it girl!!! Its time for you to live your life the way YOU want to ... not how other people think you should. You have my full support girl.

Love ... ((((hugs))) ... the moon .... and positive thoughts to help you on your journey of life changes ...

[ViewsAskew]

Thanks for listening and any advice on how to deal with people who are not supportive would be greatly appreciated. I am a people-pleaser, have always been the "good kid" and am not sure how to do what I think is best and not let the benefit of my choice be shot down by my acceptance of judgment and criticism of others.

Isn't it ironic that some people would never need to ask this question? They just live their lives! I used to wish I were like that. Now I'm glad I worry about others in some way - it makes me feel more human and related to the world. But, I have learned that I don't have to act on those feelings all the time.

When people are not supportive, it can be devastating to us. We want others to understand us and "get" what is important to us. . . maybe because that is what we naturally do for them. But, being able to do that is a gift. Maybe it's innate - maybe it's learned. But it is a gift and as such, not everyone can be lucky enough to have it. Since they don't have it, I have to accept that and let it go.

Although I can't make them get it, there are some things that sometimes help. You can simply tell them that this is what is important to you. Explain that your hope is that they will not only understand it, but will back you up completely. If they can't/don't/won't, explain that you understand that they are not able, but need them to at the least accept it and not say anything else to you about it. If they do, you'll have to decide what to do.

Standing our ground can be hard. But, you can do it.

[tazzer]

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!! It's apparent you have found the "mythical" Mr. Right, and your life is changing for the better. That is so great! I told you your ex was doing you a favor by being a jerk! Now you have the right one! YAY!

hugs and best wishes on all your endeavors

dee

[Walking After Midnight]

Brandy...you're not getting a tattoo and your nose pierced are you?

hee hee. just kidding.
Actually don't tell anyone but I've been thinking I might get a tattoo. (you can forget the nose thing though) We'll go get one together. At the tattoo store...two for one.

Congrats Brandy. Hope you're given all of your heart's desires.
There's people I listen to, and those I don't. You know who they are in your life. There's still people who are worth our trust and have valuable stuff for us...but you know, usually anyone who judges or criticizes, are not going to be those people. I'm starting to try and act like I know what I'm talking about...so...uh...I will shut up now. Just wanted to know I wish the best for you.

Randy

[ViewsAskew]

You might as well act as if you know what you're talking about - most of the rest of us do What makes you so special?

[brandy]

Thank you all so much for your support. This is such a strong group. RLS can make you strong in many areas and I think having to fight for yourself with regard to your healthcare leads to a willingness to fight for yourself with regard to other parts of your life. I just have yet to make the transition. Nadia, I'm so happy that you have made it through your own hell. It blows my mind to read your post. You sound so strong and determined and I know it wasn't always that way. You have traveled a bumpy road and now you are happy. I would love to have some of that spirit myself. It's not there yet - I'm not yet at the place where I can do what I want and not care what other people think. But, I have made the huge leap to doing what I want. I still care what other people think, but I'm doing it anyway. Baby steps, right? Now, if I can only get this know of anxiety out of the pit of my stomach, I'll be good to go. Oh, and Randy - that's one of my good girl/minister secrets - I've always wanted a tattoo! We can go together and maybe get an extra discount if we get our names on our tattoo because they would have to make such a tiny change from one to the other! And while you're high from all that ink, I'll sneak you over to the piercing parlor and get that nose ring in you and take a picture. Then I'll offer it to the highest bidder on the RLS board (I have a feeling that Dee [tazzer] might end up in the lead). Hey, who needs a job when you have a picture of a tattooed and pierced WAM?

[sardsy75]

Hey Brandy

When I first joined this board I decided that my "motto" would be: one step at a time, one day at a time, and most importantly, Stay Positive!!

That motto certainly hasn't changed ... and it's gotten me through some very dark days.

You are at the beginning of your journey. I know you have the strength and determination within yourself to do this ... you showed that when you took your first step and handed in your resignation. Now, as you said ... its baby steps ... one step at a time. You obviously have the support of a wonderful man, so that's an added bonus too! You also have a wonderful second family here who will support you no matter what.

Yes, you'll have days when you go sliding backwards, but you'll find that after the initial "ARGH!" ... your determination will return with a vengance.

So ... Brandy, my dear ... take it one step at a time ... one day at a time ... and most importantly, STAY POSITIVE!!!

Love n (((hugs))) to you ...

[tazzer]

ladies do not reveal where their piercings or tattoo's are

dee

[becat]

Hello to all,
Brandy I was a "good girl, no waves, do as I was told" for a long time. Nope not lately, Randy.... I still have my moments and have to stop myself. As for being a Good Girl, I did for most of my life and I ended up living inside a life I would have never chosen for myself. My choice to stay until I saw the light, but I bet that won't happen again. So you go girl.

It's ok to want to please people, its a good thing to make others lives better, more comfortable, etc. You know when its a bad thing, because your heart and mind will constantly remind you of it.
The line in the sand, is when it comes to be a burden in your own life. If we all went through life not looking for what our own soul dreams, wishes, or wants, we end up bitter and feeling like we missed out on something. Not in a selfish way, just there are some things we do in our lives that are just for ourselves and that is ok. Its ok for you to make this choice and honestly, I'm proud of you. So very proud.

How could your parents not be proud of you? Please, first off your charming, smart, beautiful, ........please! and going for your PH.D., come on. If they say anything negative, just say it's their fault, lol, they raised you to follow your heart honestly and to do good. Have you given them reason to doubt you? I think not. Your young, live it up a bit, get your time off and relax, build your body and mind back up to full strength, then go for it.
I'm happy for you my dear.
Love ya,
Lynne

[ViewsAskew]

BTW, what is the PhD going to be in????

[jan3213]

Hey Brandy

This is coming from the president of the "People's Pleasers Club".... doing something for yourself--especially after all you've been through--is not a bad thing. Like Lynne said, if it wasn't right, your heart would tell you. It sounds like a very healthy thing, to me---taking some of the clutter out of your life and simplifying it more so you can listen to your heart and learn more about yourself in the process. I think that is going to benefit you so much, and and in the process, others as well. I don't think it's a selfish act at all.

It would be so easy to stay right where you are, Brandy--filling your life with work and trying to achieve the success the world sees. But, I think you are going to be much more successful in the long run. You'll be more complete, more whole. You've got such a great spirit, Brandy. I think you are realizing what's more important much earlier than many of us ever do.

Your parents love you and want the best for you. Being a parent myself, I know that what I think is the "best" sometimes turns out not to be. You are so mature. Your parents should be very proud of the way they raised you. This is a compliment to them as well as to you. I hope they see that.

And, by the way, I am so happy for you in finding someone who sees how great you are!!!! Yahoo!!!

Love
Jan

[ctravel12]

Hi Brandy Good for you in taken care of yourself. That is wonderful that you are going to go into a different field. Changes are a good thing.

I am also that glad that you have a wonderful man that is treating you like a lady, which you most certainly deserve.

You know Brandy at this stage of your life, you have to be sure that you are happy. The only one that you have to answer to is yourself and from the sound of it; it certainly seems you are making the right decision.

Please keep us posted on how your new job is coming along. It will be great to have the weekends and evenings to yourself.

You are young and will do just fine.

I know when I was 25 (years ago lol) I was single and working in Michigan and my girlfriend and I decided to make a move to Calif. We only $500.00 each - did not know where we were going to live and did not have a job to go but we made it. It was an experience that I will never forget. My parents did not like it, but I had to do it for myself and never regretted it nor did I look back.

You go girl. Really proud of you doing this.

[Neco]

Sometimes I wonder if I should even bother trying to date, when I read about how many marriages and relationships RLS has ruined, lol

Wait.. should I be laughing ?

[jan3213]

Hi Zach...

Well, it probably seems that way when you hear about failed relationships. However, I can tell you that I was married for 5 years the first time to a man who was not in the marriage at all--frankly, he sounds a lot like Brandy's ex-husband (as much as I know, anyway).

After my divorce, I met a wonderful man---we'll be married 31 years on April 24. I think because I had a bad experience the first time, I really appreciate the good in my husband. Oh, he's not perfect (neither am I), and we've had our "moments". But, we are best friends and I can't imagine my life without him.

Relationships are work, there's no doubt about that. But, as far I'm concerned, the work is worth it. And, I'm a pretty darn independent person, by the way--I don't need a man, just glad I have someone whom I love that I can share my life with---even with RLS!

Have a great day.

Jan