ANOTHER BAD NIGHT

[jan3213]

I was up all night again--- well, actually, I DID sleep a couple of hours. It's not my RLS. Since I went back on Clonazepam, it's under control (along with the Mirapex). I just can't sleep. And, it's getting to me. Big time.

I was up by 1:30 am (went to bed at 10:30 p.m.). I wrote a long, pitiful post (which I later deleted), but I wish I hadn't now. I'm just a mess! My husband and I have had the flu--high fever, aches, bad cough. I'm sure that has contributed to my latest inability to sleep. But, I've been going downhill for awhile. I lose track, actually. I have huge dark circles under my eyes, my color looks bad, I look soooooo old and I always looked younger than I really am.

We're meeting my daughter's future mother-in-law for the first time this weekend. She's a cop, small, cute. And, there's me. It's not about me, but I can't help but compare myself to her. When you don't sleep, you all know how bad things look, anyway.

I know Mirapex can cause insomnia, but I can't live without. Yet, I can't live this way. For the first time, I really feel like I won't live long if i keep this up. I'm going to be 60 in August. 60!!! I feel 80 and think I look older than my own mother did when she died. She was 85, for Pete's sake.

I don't know if all of this is the result of being under so much anesthesia when I had my back surgery in September, or what. I know I've been through a lot physically and emotionally. I had a big surgery. But, I thought I looked so much, I felt so much better. I was sleep so good there for awhile, but I was on pain meds. I'm on no pain meds now. I have an appointment on Wed. with my neuro surgeon. I don't know how he'll feel about me being on pain meds. I kind of need them, but I feel kind of, I don't know, bad about asking for any more.

I have to sleep. I just have to. I can't keep this up. Night after night. I hate the bedroom, I the family room, I this stupid computer. LOL

I'm not gonna delete this post. I always tell everyone to vent and I've vented plenty of times myself. But, I'm just getting tired. That's all, I guess.

I haven't even been a good member of this forum. I use to always greet new people with "Hi, it's Jan". Now, I don't. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to say anything or think of what to say to anyone.

Thanks for listening.

Jan

[SquirmingSusan]

{{{{{{Jan}}}}}}

It's such a bummer not to be able to sleep. For any reason. Try not to feel guilty asking the docs for help. That's their job. At some point, you just need to decide to do what works. Lack of sleep will kill you faster than any drug that's used for legitimate medical purposes.

We're with you. And we understand.

Susan

[ViewsAskew]

I was so hoping that the relief was permanent, as I bet you were, too. I hope the doc will work with you to find a plan of attack. This, to me, is the hardest part of this dratted disease.

[becat]

Hi Miss Jan, I'm so sorry for your lost zzzzzz's.
Ok, Dr. Mom was right you did need cough meds with codiene, because you needed the codiene. LOL awwwww hun, I know how it is, but i'm not even there to hug you. If it's not cloudy the shine is for you and everyone else, it's the love we all send up thinking of each other.
I honestly think our bodies forget how to sleep or that maybe our brains figure no sleep just keep running.

Jan I know it was wonderful for a while and it can be again. Dr P is a wonderful man, yes i said a nice thing about a doc....but he was awesome. He will listen and likely learn what he needs to help you.
I have faith in him and you can tell him Hi for me, and fix my friend!!!!!!!

And so what she's a cop. You telling me she could have run your office for all those years like you did? God Bless her for the job she does, but past that she just has accessories. LOL I can get you some mace and a cut off broom handle, you can tell everyone it's a billy club. LOL
Come on My sweet Jan, don't make me say nasty stuff to you. STOP IT.

You are smart, charming, lovely, and she ain't got nothing on you. Your no better and certainly no worse. Your going to do fine and you need not to makes any excuses for yourself. Your a wonderful woman. Not old, just right for your age. LOL
I'm glad you vented. Post the first draft it's what you meant to say. LOL
Hugs to you and my love,
It's not that far to the tree......
Lynne

[jan3213]

Well, I'm sitting here laughing so hard, I'm about to fall right out of my chair. And, with my lack of sleep, I may not even feel it! LOL A can of mace and a broken broom handle! I needed that laugh!

Ah, you know me. I'll be fine---I just get in the "feel sorry for me" moods. Yes, Dr. P is wonderful! The best doc I've had besides Dr. G. I have faith in both of them. Now, my PCP, that's another story........ I'll tell Dr. P my beautiful friend from Texas said "hi". He remembers you!!!!! And, not because you made him give me a private room! LOL Because he thinks you're pretty great, too!

I will be all right. We will ALL be all right. Every one of us!!!!! That old moon is big enough to shine on everyone. If I'm up tonight, I'll look through the clouds to see if I can catch sight of it. But, hopefully, those zzzzz's will be the sound of me snoring! LOL

Thanks, my friend in the woods.
Love
Jan

[Sojourner]

Jan, Been there lots and know it's no fun. But, this too shall pass. Wish I could offer more but we're here with you.

[SquirmingSusan]

Well, here I am up at 3:19 am. But it's too frigging cold to out and look for the moon I actually feel asleep without a sleeping pill during Ferguson. Work up at 1 am in some kind of blissed out state, and proceeded to clean my basement. Some charity is doing a pickup on our street tomorrow, and it seemed like a good time to declutter a bit.

Oh the things that go on in the middle of the night! You know, I was always amazed when I delivered newspapers how many people are up this time of night.

It's kind of nice, really. Peaceful, no phones ringing, the rest of the family sleeping and not making demands...

I don't have to get up in the morning and go to work, though. I do hope that those of you who need the sleep tonight, get your sleep!

Love to you all

Susan

[jan3213]

Well....... I SLEPT last night. I went to bed at, ummmmmm, 10:30 ish and don't think I got out of bed until 5:45 a.m. I was ready by that time. I did take a hydrocodiene (I have a few left) before I went to bed and am sure that helped a bit.

I must have been exhausted (I was) because my sheets weren't messed up like they usually are.

Mark, this is a cycle I go through---have for years. But, it's just been getting worse. However, I think it was good that I posted yesterday. Maybe I released some anxiety or something. Because, I slept!

Susan, I've done just what you're talking about---worked all night before. Just can't do that much anymore---my back, you know. I'm going to take a shower, get dressed and go get the makings for a huge pot of vegetable soup. We're supposed to get a "heavy wintry mix", so I need to get going.

Just wanted to let you all know that I slept!

This would be a good place for anyone to write when they can't sleep---not that you can't post anywhere you want. LOL Susan, hope you get some rest today! Take a nap with your puppy. How's she doing?

I may take one myself later on. LOL

Love
Jan

[Penguinrocks]

My Jannie,

I'm so sorry for you and everyone who cannot sleep. I know I've been quiet but, I feel like i complain too much.

Anyway, I am glad you finally got some sleep! The body can only handle so much.

this is such an awful "disease". i just wanted to let you know that i love you and think of you all the time. My heart is always with you!!!

love you
Penguin

[ctravel12]

Oh Jan I just finished reading your post. What do you mean not being a good member on the forum. That is alot of hogwash lol. You have always been there for me especially when I had the deal with my kidneys and you are always there for everyone else.

Please do not say that you will not live long because of this. I do not know what you are going through (well sleep deprivation I do), but you know you can talk to me anytime you want to. I am here for you no matter what.

I am glad that other members posted. You have soooooooo many here that think the world of you and I am one of them.

You have been on my mind all of this past week and I am sorry that I did not post or call you. Here you were being miserable and I left you alone of course not on purpose. Please forgive me.

Take care my friend and please vent anytime you want to. We are all here for you.

[becat]

Hello Everyone,
First Jan, I thought I'd raise a smile of some kind......mace on it's way babe! LOL
Penguin, this is the place to whine, we want to back! Whine if you want, I will too, and we'll call it WHine Night. I love you and you are sorly missed.
I look for your post my dear. You not only understand support, but you offer warm Penguin Hugs when they are most needed.
Charlene,
I wanted you to know it was not that long ago that I felt like RLS was sure to do me in. Really, not because it's a deadly disorder, but my body was eating itself from sleep deprivation. It's not just the mind that starts to go. It turned into stomach problems, chronic fatigue, the list just grows after awhile.
I always felt like if I could sleep I could handle most everything. Things would get better and they did. Still are, Thank God. But there are days and weeks that when my sleep goes through that cycle, like Jan said. I feel done for.
Jan will make it through this, as we will all. But I have known others that have said the same thing.
Not that we wish it that way, I don't. It's just hard to ignore sometimes.
I love you all, smile cause I can't see the moon tonight, using my faith to send you all love.
Lynne

[Rubyslipper]

Jan, remember when we first met? (We'll always have Gingham's!) The first thing I noticed about you was your smile, then your kindness, then your laugh. So what if your daughter's mother-in-law is small and cute and a policeman to boot. I just hope she's nice to your family. Looks and carer don't mean squat if you have a hard heart. You are loved and will be loved by your son-in-law because you are Jan, you are the person you are right now; lovely, kind, concerned and loving. You may not be at your best becasue of all you have gone through in the past year and because lack of sleep just wipes us out, but if others can't understand that, then too bad for them. They obviously aren't compassionate like you. My bad night was last night. We all have them; when things look like they will never get better. I understand where thoughts of suicide come from at times like those. But for all of us, that's why we have these posts, to let others know what we are going through, to let others help us and in turn so we can help others. Penguin, stay with us darling, no matter what you need to say! Love to you all.