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Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Wed May 23, 2018 10:23 am
by legsbestill
I should have said that a practical step we took was to get individual single quilts so that the constant movement doesn't result in one person getting all the duvet coverage. Since moving house we are in a much smaller bed - a regular double but the individual quilts helps to keep a personal comfort space.

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:32 pm
by Sleepless in Florida
This is my first time on this site. I am very grateful for the support this site offers because I thought I was the only one with this problem. My husband has RLS and I am the one who gets "kicked out" of the bed. He refuses to discuss his issues with me. He sleeps like a baby while I am the one who must find someplace else to sleep, usually the guest bedroom. Believe it or not, he becomes very upset and hurt by me leaving him in bed alone and lets me know it. If I stay in the bed, I do not get much sleep. I am darned if I do and darned if I don't. I have been apologizing for over one year thinking it is my fault. I tried sleeping on an air mattress on the floor near his side of the bed. This was not such a good remedy and he complained I needed to sleep in the bed with him. I have been sleeping the guest bedroom for months now because I can't sleep with his RLS. For over one year (we have been married less than 2 years) I have tried to tell him we need completely separate beds because of the bed "wobbles" when his RLS kicks in (no pun intended). He didn't agree with men and blamed it on my light sleeping habits. I am so sad and hurt I am becoming depressed.

We have tried it all from California King, to King platform bed two twin mattresses (that worked well) to sleeping in separate beds. We bought memory foam mattress (mattress was great!) and bases including a board to go underneath for support for our California KIng, but the bed still wobbled when he kicked. So we sold that brand new mattress and bought two twin XL foam mattresses and tried that. The mattresses are great. However, the bed still wobbles when he kicks because the beds are on the same frame. He promised if this didn't work with the two twins he would build a frame for each twin bed and set inside the California king set. This would literally create two separate beds on two separate platforms. But this morning when I tried to discuss the topic he was upset and didn't want to discuss it.

Are there any spouses out there who are the victims of their spouses RLS? Please help! I would like to know if there are others out there like me?

Thank you,
Sleepless in FLorida

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2018 4:09 pm
by Polar Bear
The difficulty of sharing a bed is so unfair when the symptoms of RLS come into the equation.

I am the sufferer in our relationship. Fortunately my husband is usually able to sleep through my symptoms because as soon as they start I get up out of bed and take myself downstairs and find something to do.

When you speak of when your husband's symptoms 'kick in' is he awake and aware of his kicking, or is he asleep. You say he sleeps like a baby.
If he is asleep it might actually be PLMS and not RLS. With my RLS I don't kick or wriggle during sleep, I wake up and find them troubling me and then can't get back to sleep. If I was to stay in bed and wriggle then that would likely be a problem for my husband.

When I am up and about and if the rls starts to settle to a stage where I might think I could try going back to bed, I usually go to the guest bedroom. That way I can be somewhat restless if needs be. If I sleep and then wake up, (I have awful insomnia) I usually go back to the matrimonial bed and read/sleep. So.... we start off in the same bed, after he is asleep I will likely be up and about and spend some time in the guest bedroom, then be in our own bed come the morning.

Many sufferers find that the twin beds work well. It would be helpful if your husband could understand that you are not criticising him, just trying to find a way together, to get some sleep. He probably is feeling guilty and frustrated with himself that his symptoms have created this problem.

Many folks with RLS also suffer from PLMS and the treatment is similar.

However, you do not mention if your husband has seen his doctor and is receiving treatment. Has he had a firm diagnosis of RLS.
Does he experience the irresistable urge to move and does movement help? The urge to move, when symptoms occur while awake is an urge that cannot be ignored.

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:35 pm
by Rustsmith
Sleepless, although I am the one with RLS and PLMS, I am also a very light sleeper. My wife has recently developed a mild form of PLMS, so I have an idea of what it is like to get kicked. She is the sound sleeper, so she sleeps through most of my tossing and turning.

Our solution was the California split kings on separate foundations. So, it is physically two mattresses but pushed together into a single king. We get the benefit of sleeping together without causing the bed to move around. We also bought the adjustable foundation, which my wife uses to raise her legs and/or head. She will do this several times each night and the only time I am aware of her side moving is if my foot happens to be over the gap between the mattresses and I can feel her mattress start to move.

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2018 12:11 am
by ViewsAskew
Both hubby and I have sleep disorders. I am the lighter sleeper - he only notices my movements when he happens to be falling to sleep. he, on the other hand, has PLMS along with his sleep apnea. His movements can drive me crazy!

We also changed mattresses. Any form of visco elastic foam will help isolate the movements. Won't help if you are being kicked! Separate mattresses in a king size would, though.

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2018 5:20 am
by badnights
How come you say that your husband has RLS/WED? Was he diagnosed? From your description, he doesn;t seem to have the disease. If he did, he would be awake and suffering from nasty sensations, including an urge to move. These sensations are impossible to sleep through, and people with WED/RLS are among the most sleep-deprived on the planet. If he is sleeping soundly while kicking madly, he probably has PLMS (periodic limb movements in sleep). If there is no other sleep issue, then it can be called a disorder (PLMD). Unlike in WED/RLS, the movements of PLMS are involuntary and so can be slept through. Not by a bed partner, though!

So there seem to be two problems, the disruptions to your sleep caused by his PLMS, and something else that prevents a non-emotional discussion about it. I suspect that your husband doesn't realize what his body does when he's asleep - he may think he kicks you now and then, and that's it. To educate him about what's going on, you'll need to reverse your previously apologetic stance. You may have a hard time getting him to listen, especially if you're meek. You could try setting up a video camera to record a few hours of movements and see what he thinks when he sees it. You can also show him sleepdancer's video - she recorded herself and put a link to her video in her signature line, under every one of her posts on this board - - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jE7WA_5c73c

There's also the emotional factor. Being unable to sleep with your partner can be very stressful. Maybe he's feeling a fear of abandonment when you sleep elsewhere, and his emotions about it may have nothing to do with anything that;s going on in your lives - maybe for some reason in his mind, sleeping in separate beds is a harbinger of the end of the relationship (I felt that with my husband). This might cause him severe anxiety and he may not be aware of why he feels it. Hopefully you can figure out what's going on and have an open discussion about it. But first make sure he knows exactly what his body does at night and for how long.

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 12:45 am
by Sleepless in Florida
Thank you all so very much for your input and knowledge. My husband is a retired physician and has made his own diagnosis of RLS however, it does seem like he has this PLMS because he sleeps like a baby and thinks I am exaggerating. Because he is a physician it is terrible difficult discussing anything medical (about him) with him. I actually went to my physician to get meds to help me sleep. Nothing helped until I moved out of the bed.

HOWEVER, Rustsmith gave me the answer, SPLIT KING!!! Our new split California king frame came in today and I will sleep with him for the first time in months tonight. This frame allows two separate (memory foam) mattresses to be on two split frames. I tried wriggling the bed with the new frame and the mattresses are separated enough that the wriggling seems to be isolated to just one mattress. I think this will work!!! I'll let you all know.

I was telling my personal physician about him and she said I have done enough by taking lorazepam and melatonin pills. Now it his turn to take some lorazepam to calm his twitching. If the separate split king doesn't work I will tell him what my physician said. He is not one for taking responsibility for this since he says he sleeps just fine.

Thank you all so much!!!
Sleepless

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 4:38 am
by Yankiwi
Congratulations on your new bed, hope it is the answer to being able to sleep together.

I sleep like a baby: sleep for an hour and a half, up for an hour or two, sleep for another hour or two, up some more etc until morning. Luckily I am retired and most days don't have to get up early.

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2018 7:42 pm
by Polar Bear
Congratulations, I hope you have a great night's sleep.... together.

Yankiwi, I like your 'sleep like a baby', hmmm.... I also sleep like a baby, pretty much the same pattern as yourself. So I could be up early from 6am, or perhaps only getting back to sleep a 5am. SAlso so lucky to be retired.

Re: Sleeping Arrangements

Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2018 2:16 am
by badnights
SLeepless, I\m glad the bed looks like it's going to work out.
Someone needs to remind him (& who else but a loving wife ) that doctors should never diagnose themselves even though they always think they can.