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Share how living with this disease can and does impact your relationships. How do you cope? What questions to you have?
tazzer
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Postby tazzer » Mon Sep 11, 2006 3:40 pm

brandy i feel your pain, but let me tell you the next one you meet could be the answer to your prayers. i thought my ex was the ONE! boy was i wrong, he did me a favor by being a cheating jerk, because i found the love of my life. my hubby, i have him wrapped around my little finger and he loves me so much, because he tells me everyday and shows me too. I know its rough in the beginning and the ex ruined my trust factor, but there is someone out there that DESERVES YOU, don't YOU forget that. don't close your heart, just give it time to heal. go out kick up your heels and raise some he---umm heck! i did afterwards and believe me it does help. :twisted:

hang in there

dee
I feel like a science project!!!

“The syndrome is so common that it should be known to every physician.”
Dr Karl Ekbom, 1945

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Postby ViewsAskew » Mon Sep 11, 2006 4:09 pm

Dee, I have been lucky as you to have a similar experience! RLS was the beginning of a wedge between me and my "ex". We weren't married, but lived together almost 10 years and five of that we had custody of his two children (teen boys). The short of it is that he was the third failed relationship of my life, all at least five years in length and with men who either cheated on me or failed the relationship (and me) in ways that hurt tremendously.

I really hit rock-bottom - thought I was a worthless person as a partner, that I'd never be happy, that I couldn't manage a relationship (or pick a partner very well), that no one would love me the way I felt I had loved them. Besides, who wanted a 40 year-old reject?

My Dearest, that's who. He loves me (and I him) in a way I'd never felt before. I never knew what care and concern meant. Honestly. It's funny, after all those years of being with the wrong people, when I started dating DH, I was panicky that this was a dream! Sometimes I still am sort of awestruck that this is my life.

There were times in those past relationships that I wanted to die - felt like the pain was so strong I would die. When Geoff told me he'd been sleeping with a co-worker - I felt physically ill. Like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I didn't eat for weeks and lost twenty pounds. In those moments, I thought there was nothing ahead of me, nothing to look forward to, that the pain was unbearable and would never abate.

Like you, Dee, I also used that time afterward to heal and change how I dated! I'd never really "dated" before, always meeting someone and getting serious too quickly. It was really fascinating to date. Also scary and hard - who likes telling someone, "Thanks, but no thanks." I waited a long time and went through a lot of dates, something I'd never done before. It was still very hard to trust him; harder, I think, to trust that I was making the right choice - I'd screwed up several times before! But, trust I did and so far, at least, I find myself still both in love and loving him.

Time does heal, though it seems painfully slow when you are in it.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

Managing Your RLS

Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

Anonymous

Postby Anonymous » Mon Sep 11, 2006 4:17 pm

Brandy,

All I can say is that I am so sorry. I can tell from your posts that you are a strong person with a strong faith and those things will get you through this. You have many people here who care about you. I am one of them.

Emily.

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Postby becat » Mon Sep 11, 2006 7:40 pm

Brandy I would second just about evrything that has been written.
I, too, has a trainer husband that thought dating was for after you got married. Not that your husband is cheating on you. But I would have never known what God hads waiting for me in my husband now. Like Ann and Dee, the pain was just enough to burst your insides, but I used it to teach me what I did want in a man.
Yes, I cried, screamed, might have even throw something at him. But he set me into a pth that God meant for me all along. He would not have been the kind of man that would have understood, nor, shown empathy to me with RLS. My hubby now is all together a different man, more like me and less like me at the same time. I have always said that together we make one heck of a person.
I know it still hurts, and so I have not tried to do anything more than pray on that moon that your soul and heart hurt less each day.
I agree with everyone here, you are strong and you are going to see this through.
But I was serious about watching out for yourself. Like Ivana Trump, "don't get mad, get it all". Take no prisoners when it come to divorce. I do mean that. Protect yourself as you should.
I love you, along with everyone here.
I'll be back late Sat. Night and I'll check in here first thing.
Everyone Prya for Brandy and for Jan's surgery.
Love hugs and the moon
Lynne

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Postby brandy » Tue Sep 12, 2006 12:12 am

Hearing your stories was really helpful. I am in a great deal of pain and we can be our own worst enemies and I have been hearing over and over in my head that I will never meet someone who treats me well and who loves me madly. You all have helped keep the tiny flame of hope from dying out. Love to you all (and especially to Jan tomorrow).
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer

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Postby FidgetBoy » Tue Sep 12, 2006 3:46 am

ok, the "trainer husband" comment was hilarious... I'm still laughing over here. Too perfect!
Josh

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Postby ctravel12 » Tue Sep 12, 2006 4:51 pm

Brandy, I do not know you personally, but I know you are a kind and generous person and will find someone who will love you for who you are. It seems bleak now but there is definitely a light at the end of the tunnel. I say a prayer everynight and will continue to do so that God makes you stronger everyday. Like I said before, I wish we all could be there and put our arms around you and tell you how much we love you. If I give you a big hug now will that help somewhat ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))). Please keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. I am glad that you are working as that is a salvation as it keeps your mind off of it for awhile. I am so glad that you are part of our family and always will be.
Charlene
Taking one day at a time

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Postby brandy » Mon Sep 18, 2006 8:06 pm

I reread your posts and they helped tremendously. My husband and I signed the papers today to "dissolve" our marriage. Isn't it funny that they use the term "dissolve" when that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing inside? I feel like my heart and stomach and eyes and head are all dissolving. Yesterday I came up with the perfect analogy. There is a character in Greek mythology who is tied to the top of a mountain and has his liver eaten out by a bird. The thing is, the liver grows back each day to get eaten again. The pain I feel is that way. I come up for air from the excrutiating pain and it just comes back again, as strong or stronger. Like being in the ocean. I get hit by a wave that takes my breath away, gasp just enough air to keep from dying and get hit again. I sometimes wish this would go ahead and kill me so I could get it over with. But, it doesn't work that way. Maybe there is an amazing person who could love me somewhere in my future, like with you girls. Anyway, thanks for the prayers, hugs and support. I'm going to hang on to them for a little while longer.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer

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Postby ViewsAskew » Mon Sep 18, 2006 8:28 pm

Somewhere from within the overwhelming grief will come a tiny questions, such as, "How dare he?" or "You *&^%$, how could you do this to me?" These little nagging questions grow louder and louder, until they are a veritable cacophony of angst, self-rightousness, and anger. Like kudzu, they grow quickly, soon consuming all other thoughts. For me, I think the anger was more consuming than the grief. I was furious!!!!! Somtimes 7 years later, I still am.

I wrote a short story sometime after I stopped crying and got mad. It's called "The List". Here is page 1. More to follow later.

‘I just don’t think we’re compatible. I’m not mad at you or anything. I don’t want to fight or argue. I’ve thought about it for months, trying to make it work. It just isn’t working.’

Brian continued to drone while tears sprang unbidden from my eyes. Traitors. My neck, nodding my head in agreement to his sad story, at least was on my side. He didn’t want a scene. I didn’t want him to think I cared enough to make one.

‘So,’ he finished, ‘I guess I’ll start looking for a place.’

‘Hmmm,’ I agreed, nodding again, hoping my nonchalance outweighed the tears, and then I casually walked out of the room. Up the stairs and to the bathroom. Washed my face. Walked back down the stairs, grabbed my keys and purse, and waved a cheerful goodbye.

‘I’m off to my meeting. See you later.’
__________________________________________

I cried in my car on the way to the meeting. For the next few days I cried everywhere. At home, in my car, while walking in the park, while talking to the dog. It was several days before I told anyone; I was afraid that once I started to talk I’d start to cry, and once I started to cry no one would be able to understand my words garbled by the wrenching sobs.
___________________________________________
Last edited by ViewsAskew on Mon Sep 18, 2006 10:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest



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Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

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ctravel12
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Postby ctravel12 » Mon Sep 18, 2006 8:36 pm

Dear Brandy, I just read your posts and my heart aches for you and wish that I could make the hurt go away. I know right now you do not see things getting better but it will and we will be here with you all the way helping you get through this tough time. One day you will find someone that will love you unconditionally. Please do not stop posting us so we know how you are doing and I pray that the time goes by fast and so does your healing. I read your post that you sent Jan regarding her surgery and the love that poured out of that post was amazing. You are one special lady and do not let anyone tell you anything different. May God be with you and watch over you everyday.
Charlene

Taking one day at a time

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Postby rfishburn » Mon Sep 18, 2006 8:52 pm

Brandy-
I am not as articulate as most on this board, however my thoughts are with you.
Randy

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Postby becat » Mon Sep 18, 2006 9:17 pm

Hi to all,
Brandy, I'm with Ann on this one. There comes a day that you start asking yourself, was I worth what he was offering? The honest answer is, no, I'm worth more than that.
When anyone puts them self into a relationship fully, honestly, and honors that, you only deserve that back. That is not what he was offering you, thus he was not offering you what you were, ARE worth.
I think it's a slow process, like grief, but baby when that torked off stage hits, use it well. That is the time that pain or not, you know your worth and you'll protect it too!
I was told that I was fat,.......when I was pregnant! :shock: DUH! But what my heart and emotions heard turned that silly stupid worthless statement into a world of hurt after my son was born. I let someone else put inside my heart a feeling that was not there before. And I allowed to myself to become less than what I was worth. Hard to admit, not sure I ever have, but I was 103 lbs for almost 5 yrs after the birth of my son. I'm 5'7" and should be around 130. I looked ill, in fact so ill my mom almost started to legally take my son from me. Nope, I don't think I've really said that to many people. Wow, it hurts, like it did then.
So I guess I could say that look at me now, look at Ann, look at so many of us that let others treat us for less than we were worth. Not anymore and never again.
Your worth is awesome and amazing. And yes I agree with Charlene that what love and support you showed to Jan, is just the same as what you should give yourself. No, this kind of pain is different and so many of us understand that all too well........BUT we also know that worth is going to make you rise, well above what this man failed to offer or show you.
Honey, take a breath and know that this too shall pass and you'll be in side the right path for good things to happen as planned.
God Bless You and your heart.
Love, many hugs, and the moon shining for you.
Lynne

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Postby brandy » Tue Sep 19, 2006 1:54 am

You guys are (I thought and thought and couldn't find a word beautiful enough to encapture all that you are so I'll go with) amazing. Your posts put little drops of sunshine in and very gloomy day. Lynne, thanks for the call. My mom is here this week turning my apartment from a hotel room to a home. Next week when I'm alone, you might very well hear from me. Thank you all. This is so much for than a site for RLS. It's a family. And I feel blessed beyond words to have you all. I might even choose RLS in order to have this family, and as you all know, that's saying a lot.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer

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Postby jan3213 » Tue Sep 19, 2006 5:05 am

Sweet Brandy

I have been down this road--it's funny, well not "funny", but interesting---I'll bet all of the men who have treated us that way are WEAK. They are little boys who never want, or never DO, grow up. And, the women here who have shared with you their stories are STRONG. So are you, Brandy.

Lynne said that her husband told her she was fat when she was PREGNANT. Mine told me that, even though I put him through college, when I wanted to go, I wasn't smart enough (I even wrote some of his papers, was smart enough to do many, many things for him while he obtained his degree). When I got my long hair cut short, he told me that only "pretty girls look good in short hair." Well, I may not be much a looker now, but I was attractive enough then to turn enough heads. He's had three wives since me--he's a miserable old man, as far as I know. My second (and current) husband is perfect for me (notice I didn't say "perfect", but perfect for me). I wouldn't have appreciated him as much had I not gone through the first bad experience.

Everyone has commented on how you have cared about me during my recent trials. AMEN! You are a extremely smart woman, capable of many, many things. You have such a gift, Brandy. Compassion and overflowing love shine through to everyone and your light will shine the rest of your life---if will only grow brighter and brighter. And, you are BEAUTIFUL!

I wish I felt more like writing right now. And, I'm on pain meds, so hope this all makes sense. But you, my dear friend, are very loved here and, I know, many others who cross your path love you, as well. How could they not?

You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this man could ever be capable of offering you, Brandy. I know I'm only repeating what Lynne, Ann and others have said, but it bears repeating. I promise you that, while you will never forget what has happened, time will heal your heart and you will look out and see the sun shine again and it will be shininig for you. He is the loser--he just doesn't know it yet. Maybe he never will realize what he's lost, but, honey, you will be the WINNER.

God bless you.

Jan
No one is alone who had friends.

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Postby ViewsAskew » Tue Sep 19, 2006 6:07 am

Jan, you made a really important point - in similar situations (and whether we are the man or the woman in them) we aren't the ones who look back and wonder about what we lost! They are. Somtimes they even come back looking for us, saying they made a mistake, etc.

My DH, a wonderful man, was in a similar situation with his ex. She cheated on him, he forgave her. Over time, their problems grew. He begged her to go to counseling, etc. She wouldn't. Eventually he said either we work on it, or we divorce. She wanted the divorce. Two to three years after the divorce, he and I met, our relationship grew, etc. The very weekend (two years after we met) we discussed making it permanent - of sharing the rest of our lives together, she called him and asked to meet him for dinner - saying she needed to talk. They met at a restaurant. Now, remember, this is about five years after their divorce, and they were married for 17 years. She tells him that she now realizes she made a mistake. That she really does love him afterall. That she didn't realize what a great guy he was.

I wonder why it took her 22 years to figure that out? I knew it the first night I met him :) . And, I haven't forgotten it, either.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest



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Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.


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