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Share how living with this disease can and does impact your relationships. How do you cope? What questions to you have?
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ctravel12
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Postby ctravel12 » Tue Sep 19, 2006 5:41 pm

Ann, Lynne, Jan and everyone else, I have been reading the posts being sent to Brandy. How fortunate we are to have one another. I do not know what Brandy is going through but will always be there for her if she wants someone to talk to or vent or whatever. Time does heal and thank God we have that. I am so glad that she has her mother there as I know she is a comfort for her. Brandy, I am saying prayers everynight that God makes you stronger each day and Jan I am saying prayers for you everynight that
God heals you quick. Everyone have a wonderful and restful day.
Charlene
Taking one day at a time

brandy
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Postby brandy » Wed Sep 20, 2006 11:00 am

Charlene, you are such a lovely and compassionate person. I feel blessed to have you in my family. I join my prayers with yours for our Jan's quick healing. As far as an update from my end, I had a really bad day yesterday. In fact, it was the worst so far. I think it's just everything catching up with me. My soon to be ex didn't want the hassle of going through the paperwork. He just wanted me to hang on until he was ready. Mind you, he was not rethinking the divorce, just didn't want to deal with the hassle. At first I said okay, but then I took stock of how I was feeling and new I couldn't drag this out forever, so I called him back and for the first time in our marriage thought about what I needed and told him I couldn't live with the dread of what was to come and I needed to get it over with. He said okay and we signed the papers, but he also said some things that tried to put all of the responsibility for our divorce on me, even though he is the one that wants to be free to pursue other women. It's all just so hard. And wanting to do the right thing just adds to my misery because I can't see what the right thing is. Yesterday I had to come home early from work. For the first time in my life, I went to that place I go when I need the strength to keep going and there was nothing there. I came home and cried myself to sleep. To be honest, I was scared I was going to have to admit myself to a facility or something, like I was losing my mind. But, this morning, I am doing much better. I know that it is the prayers, thoughts, hugs and moon, from people like you guys that has given me this renewed strength. Thank you so, so much. I love you all.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer

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Postby Penguinrocks » Wed Sep 20, 2006 11:34 am

Brandy honey,

Boy, I am feeling your pain.
Don't try and go this alone or without help. There are more support groups out there for divorce than there are for RLS. Also, you may want to talk to your doc about Wellbutrin...just for a time.

Prayers and penguin hugs to you!!!
Beware the Penguin

ViewsAskew
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Postby ViewsAskew » Wed Sep 20, 2006 4:49 pm

Oh, my dear, you have strenght that you do not know you have. Just in case, you have your mom, your God, and your friends.

Your last post resonated so with me. Our capacity to be cruel is truly amazing. When you stood up for yourself, he needed to regain control. He hurt you in ways only he knew would work oh so well.

It reminded me of something my ex said to me. With that, here is the second (and last) part of "The List."

‘You know, the next guy is going to be younger,’ I declared. Leesa, Maggie, and Nic all agreed with me. Like girlfriends are supposed to in times of crisis.

‘Definitely younger. You can train them when you get them young,’ said Nic.

‘How young are you talking?” asked Leesa. ‘I know this cutie. He’s a friend of my younger brother – maybe 22 or 23.’

’23? What is the world would she have in common with someone who’s 23?’ asked Maggie.

‘I don’t know,’ I said, ‘but they say a woman hits her sexual peak in her late thirties or early forties, and a man does in his late ‘teens or early twenties. That sounds like enough in common to last, oh, several times a day for at least a few blissful weeks.’

We all laughed in girlfriend agreement again.

____________________________________________________

I juggled the phone from one ear to the other. Once I’d started talking, I hadn’t stopped. Although girlfriend talk is essential in times of crisis, this conversation had lasted long enough to cause pain in both ears.

‘I think the next one needs to make lots of money,’ I mused.
Nic agreed with me. ‘Definitely. Money matters. You know, it’s not everything, but it helps. Someone who can take care of you.’

Nic must have felt the beginnings of a feminist meltdown in my head. ‘You know, not in that way. I’ve always had a career. I stayed single for years and always looked out for myself. But when I got married, I wanted the option of someone to take care of me.’

I paused a second and thought about what she said. ‘I’ve put men through school, bought them cars and clothes, financed vacations, etc. Now I want to be able to say ‘Gee, honey, I think I do want to go back for that PhD after all. I’ll be done in five years.’

‘Yeah, that’s what I meant.’ Thank goodness for girlfriends.

________________________________________________________


I stopped crying. Well, more accurately I stopped crying on an hourly basis, and then began to get mad. Really, really, really mad. I mean, I felt the same way he did, I just wasn’t expecting him to have the guts to do anything about it. So why was I so sad anyway? Besides, some of the things he had said to me over the past few weeks finally had crept into my consciousness.

‘He said that you weren’t compatible?’ Joelle asked. ‘Then why the hell did he get involved in the first place?’ We were having coffee and birthday cake after dinner. A birthday dinner to me from the girlfriends.

‘I think it’s all a lie anyway. That’s not really what the problem is. The problem is him. He’s afraid to make commitment," Nic said and most of the women nodded their heads in agreement.

‘Doesn’t really matter, though, he said it and it’s a stupid thing to say.” Joelle looked affronted.

'I asked him about the compatibility thing," not willing to let go of that topic quite yet. 'Lately he'd been playing golf at least four days a week. I don't know what possessed me, but I asked, "So, would it have been different if I'd have golfed?" He looked at me and said, "I think it might have." Duh, of course, that's all it would taken to have have made it all better." I shook my head in anger. "How unbelievably stupid," I muttered.

I stopped for a deep breath, and continued before they could say anything.
‘If you think that's bad, that's only the beginning,’ I supplied. They all looked across the table at me, expectantly. I looked down at my hands, somewhat embarrassed. 'He told me that he never should have moved in with me. That he had a gut feeling that it wasn’t right.’ I looked up as I spoke.

Their incredulous faces swam in front of my anger and embarrassment.
‘Funny how he managed to stay with you for nine more years,’ Maggie coughed indignantly.

‘I asked him about that. I was so shocked when he said it. He said that he had no idea why he did. He went on to say he had no idea why he had ever dated any of the women he eventually got serious about. That it always seemed okay at first but never worked.’

‘What did you say?’ Leesa demanded.

I looked around again for support. The mutual indignation and anger was palpable. ‘I didn’t say anything. I was too shocked. All I could think of was what the common denominator was. And it wasn’t that all those women had the letter A in their names.’

My friends laughed and nodded. Through the anger and the fire I felt their support. ‘I think it’s a requirement that the next guy I date has to have a brain.’ We got up, put on our coats, and headed through the wind and the cold to the theatre.

_______________________________________________

We left the theatre and headed home. Maggie caught a bus, Nic walked to her apartment, and Leesa, Joelle and I headed to Joelle’s parked car.

‘How are you?’ asked Joelle, eyes ahead on the road, arms extended and both hands on the top of the steering wheel. Leesa leaned her head against the headrest in the back seat.

‘Fine, really,’ I said, ‘I’m starting to feel less sad. I knew for awhile that it wasn’t working. I just kept thinking it was all the other things in the way, and that when they were solved, we’d be like we used to be. Sounds silly to say it, but I didn’t make the connection that other things would always be in the way; or maybe I didn’t want to make the connection.’

Joelle nodded. ‘Well, you said something was wrong months ago. I think you were working on it then. You mentioned how he’d been distant, that you thought he might have been having an affair. You were concerned about his not wanting to do things with you.’

‘I was,’ I nodded thoughtfully and to myself. ‘You know. . . the next one does have to be younger. In attitude. I was joking before when we talked about dating younger men. It’s not really how old he is, it’s that willingness to participate, to try new things, to be free and open to new experiences. That’s really what’s on the list.’

Leesa’s eyes were closed and she was smiling slightly. The streetlights of the expressway flooded the car’s interior like a strobe light. I closed my eyes, too, leaning back against the warmth of the seat cover.
Last edited by ViewsAskew on Wed Sep 20, 2006 10:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

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Postby ctravel12 » Wed Sep 20, 2006 6:28 pm

Brandy, you are one special lady and have so much love to give and will definitely get it back. I definitely agree with Penguin about a support group for divorce. You know we will always be here for you no matter what. I just love the post that Ann sent. Really neat. Good for you for standing up to your ex - doing it when he is ready???????? Brandy, I really and truly pray for you everynight and like I said before there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Healing time may take some time but when you are finished healing someone will be at the end of the tunnel waiting for you. You deserve better and will have it. I was glad to hear that this morning you are doing better and each day you will get stronger. You certainly have alot of family here to help through each day. I guess you can say that I am one of the old cronies on this board. I did not get married until I was 34 and now am 67. Whether that means that I am wiser; well that remains to be seen :lol: Brandy, anytime you feel like venting, talking, etc. I am always here and so is everyone else. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. We all love you very much. [/b]WE ARE FAMILY
Charlene

Taking one day at a time

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Postby neelia » Sat Sep 23, 2006 12:41 am

The best advice I was EVER given when I got divorced was to make a list of peoples' phone numbers to keep by the phone. The people on the list were to be people I could call, day or night, whenver I needed to talk, cry, vent or just be talked to. Tell your friends you are making this list, and ask if you can put them on it. When you need someone, you call the numbers on the list until you reach someone.

Hang in there.

Aileen

brandy
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Postby brandy » Sun Sep 24, 2006 2:40 am

My mom left today. It's been a tough day. I am typically a pretty strong person. I mean, I'm a minister for crying out loud and did hospital chaplaincy where I worked with sick and dying people! But, I can't seem to pull myself up right now. I think because I am the minister and the strong one that I have stuffed all of my feelings into this suitcase in my heart and whatever was necessary to keep it shut (sit on it, stand on it, yank on the heavy-duty zipper), I did. The problem is that this divorce has broken my suitcase. The things my husband has said to me were just the limit. The zipper broke and there is pain everywhere. I can't even find it all, much less make it go back into the very precarious position it was in to all fit. My family lives 12 hours away. My best friend is 2 hours, and I'm so dead set on helping everyone else that the only friends I have in the area are ones that I've helped or supported. I know support is a phone call away, but what about a shoulder? And I know in 6 months or a year I'll feel better (that's what everyone keeps saying), but what about in 6 minutes or an hour? Everyone in my life is glad I will no longer be married to my husband. They are not grieving with me. My head knows this is best, but my heart refuses to listen. What do I do? The strength I always use to power through is nowhere to be found. I still have a job to do and bills to pay. I could pack up and go home, but I don't want to make any decisions right now when my head is so foggy. I've lost not only the future I thought I had, but the past I thought I had, too. And I've lost the reason I get up in the morning. I have a good job, but I don't love it. I have it because this is what we needed to get financially secure so we could think about the next step and move toward my Ph.D. and having children. Now why do I go to work? Why do I get out of bed? I know I have future, but what about the present? How do I deal with now? It hurts so much.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer

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Postby becat » Sun Sep 24, 2006 3:24 am

That suitcase maybe needed to be opened. No it's not the fair side of life, but for you to walk this path is just the only way to go forward.....to end up where you need to be.
I wrote the following to someone asking me a question about faith, relationships and karma. I'm not sure it will help, but I wanted you to read it.
******************************************************
As a Christian I will tell you that the glory in God is your faith. Faith that he is with you at all times. Faith gives us the courage to carry on when we are too scared, too tired,too confused, or too overwhelmed to think we can.
I don't think that he promises NO PAIN, because as humans we fail. Sometimes we fail each other. "...Forgive my sins, as I forgive those that sin against me...." The pain is not in learning of God or coming closer to him. Pain is a powerful reason we seek him. Pain is always equal to the love we share(think that is a Beatles song, but it's so true) You simply take a chance to love, all things must come to a physical end. Yet, if strong enough they rarely end on a spiritual level. That love is always apart of you. Maybe you haven't found your mate because your soul is not ready. You will when the time is right, your heart is right, and your life is ready to be shared. God is ever faithful to you. He does answer all prayers, sometimes the answer is no. Grace is knowing when to accept that his answer is just. He may have a different plan for you, different than you thought you might live.
Forgiveness is a powerful thing. It doesn't mean that a heart forgets, it means a heart does not habor the burden. If you are able to forgive, your heart opens, releases it's pain, and begins a new beat. This is your best bet against terminal pain. We all have pain, we all share someone else's pain. It's just life.
We as humans often do not grow without the pain. Pain is not welcome, but leads us to a place where we can appreciate a better time and place. It teaches us that what we had or might have is all we ever needed.
As for Karma, yes I believe in that as well. My American Indian background tell me that you create your own. You could smile while doing a kind gesture, but have a cloud in your heart. True intentions are known even if they are not spoken. Lead your life well, with a kind heart, a clear mind, a healthy body.......your spirit will show itself to others before you do. Pure spirits call to others just as loud as bad ones.
Your destiny is your own, yours to create. The difference in any life is not what happens to you, but how you react.
I can see that you are in a wild place right now. It's not the best place, but it is your place. You will come out of this too, time......time......you need time. Don't give up, the sun does come up and you are will rise with it. Because you are here, you are Worthy.
God be with you.
********************************************************
Brandy,
The pain your feeling is telling your alive and you loved. No, it's not the best answr and it doesn't fix anything right now, but it may show you that what you are at this very minute is less than you'll be in five more. In Five minutes you can grow, blossom, take a deeper breathe. Maybe that suitcase was too full Brandy. You minght not see it right now spilled out in front of you, but the woman in you is going to be new one day. Stronger and wiser. I would not be one to tell you not to hurt like you are. I think it is fair to cry, scream, and down right get mad. Even my own divorce hurt, I simple grieved for it 5 yrs long, before it ever happened. And no through out it all, I would never change a thing. I have my son, my new heart, a greater sense of my own self worth, than I might have had if I had stayed where I was.
What you can't see right now, is less important, than what you will see in that time to come. But you won't get there without walking this path. God holds you as close as he does anyone else. He carries you no less than those without him in their hearts.
What do you do? You take it as it comes. Somedays it's a minute at a time, other can carry you for longer. But never under estimate the power of your own heart and soul, your will to heal thyself.
I am sorry that you don't feel everyone's grief for you, about your husband. But I know that we do in a strange way see with different eyes that your worth more than he offered you. That is where, maybe, others don't grieve for him, only for you. Maybe your right we should grieve for him, he'll only find out to late what he truly gave up.
What do you do? you go as far each day as you can. You dial those numbers and know that someone is caring you for you, your heart. No some of us are not close enough to hold you, let you cry, hold your hand while you do. I would if I could and that I swear to you. Your not expected to be strong all the time, no one will put that on you, so don't do that to yourself. This is hard. It is. Your aloowed to hurt and to suffer your thoughts of what you thought life was, was going to be.
But I don't want you to give up on yourself. Our hearts are fickle things, they just keeping beating, sometimes for the very things we need to aviod. But they keep beating honey........And it's ok toneed some help every now and again. If I can learn to reach out, so can you. I promise that I will be reaching back to catch your hand.
my love to you
Lynne

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ctravel12
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Postby ctravel12 » Sun Sep 24, 2006 3:26 am

Dear Brandy, you said that you are a minister but you are also human too and the pain is too deep but it will heal. I know that it takes time and I wish that I could take the pain and hurt away for you but all that I can do is be there for you whenever you need someone to talk to. You have family on this board and will be here for you too no matter what. I know that this does not make much sense to you right now but I promise you will get through this. You are a strong person and like I said before there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I say a prayer for you everynight and will continue to do so. Please continue to post to let us know how you are doing. I care and so does the rest of us. I ask God to keep you strong.
Charlene

Taking one day at a time

becat
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Postby becat » Sun Sep 24, 2006 4:56 am

Brandy,
I've already gone to bed and still you hold my heart tonight.
I need to say this to you, maybe others will help me understand or make sense of this.

I don't think that if I had the power to take your pain, I would this time.

There is a personal risk to trusting others enough to love them. And when others let you down, or try to tear you down, just hurt you. You need to know, your heart needs to know when something is real or not. People make mistakes, have bad days, so something or say something without thinking, meaning no harm, we, our hearts understand mistakes.

Divorce is different. It the kind of pain that is personal, physical, and mental. You've made a choice to marry someone and you one day find out you were wrong. Either you or they were not who they thought they or you were. It's about learning what your heat and mind needs long term. Trust, respect, goals, dreams and fears that are given by both, on the same level.

There is a day that you think "how wrong could I have been to see what I thought he was?" How could you have known what you would really need as the years went by, things just keep changing in a marriage, the longer your together........The needs change. This is no easy lesson, by far my dear. But it is a lesson that will serve you well. You'll grow in a good, stronger direction as you stand up again.

No tonight, right now, I would not take your pain. I would listen, hold your hand, lend my shoulder, and mostly my ears. But my heart would really want to tell your heart that it's growth and it does stretch the bark. Your an Oak my dear, you may bend under the pressure right now, but your strong and will not this be your breaking point. My faith is with you and in you .
hugs love and the moon that shines for each one of us.
Lynne

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Postby ViewsAskew » Sun Sep 24, 2006 5:36 am

I may be speaking too boldly. I hope what I say does not hurt. Are you expecting too much of yourself? Are your standards too high? Why should you be able to pull yourself up in a matter of mere days after one of the most intensely devastating betrayals a person can experience? You love this man. He hurt you in ways that are unimaginable. How can you expect to reconcile these is such a short time? If you were one of your consituents, what would you tell yourself? Probably to allow yourself to feel badly, to grieve, to feel the loss of the love of your life as it comes and until you are ready to do otherwise.

Lynne had some wise thoughts. Everytime you put something in your suitcase, you cut it off from you. Now all of those compartments are integrating themselves back where you took them from. The are part of you - accept them, pain, warts, and incongueties all. Love them as they are all parts of you. They may not be what you want, but they are what you have.

Many people, when in such difficult circumstances, see someone that they trust, be it a counselor, priest, social worker, etc. You have offered so much of yourself to others; there must be someone in such a capacity that you would trust to share your pain and hurt with. Another minister at a church in a neighboring city, perhaps. You are as deserving as those you help.

Get out of bed just because. Because someday, sometime, some future place, life will be different. You will be different. Go through the motions. Live as if. As if it mattered. As if you cared. As if it was important. One day, it will be.

Embrace yourself, your humanity,your pain, your godliness, turn your love for others inward, accept your own compassion - give yourself all that you would freely give another.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest



Managing Your RLS



Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

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Postby Penguinrocks » Sun Sep 24, 2006 11:44 am

Brandy,

I would like to share my story. It may help, it may not, but it is something that is close to your situation.

In 1987 I met my ex. We lived together for awhile then in 1990, I find myself pregnant. Being from where I was from, I thought I had to get married. I didn't love him, but I didn't want to be "alone". Well. I knew what he was. A drunk, a druggy, and a woman beater. But, I got pregnant, so i had to marry him. (parents shouldn't teach their daughters this)

anyway, at 5 months pregnant, we got married. during the course of my pregnancy, it was not unusal for him and his friends to be doing lines of coke in my house that i was preparing for my baby. There were nights that he'd throw me down on the floor just because i was standing there. Before having Kathleen, he lost his license (drunk driving) and I had to drive myself to the hospital for tests. When I failed those tests, that's when they induced.

all this time, he's not working. Mine was the only income and now a baby.

In 1992, he drank/drugged my bank account dry and we were evicted. We had to move into his mother's house. Still, no job. Since his mommy is an enabler, it was easy for him to go out and party all he wanted. He'd come home, rape me at times, but mostly beat me and verbally abuse me. This was my nightly routine until 1998. Yes, it took me that long to get him out of my life. (he's not out cuz Kathleen still sees him but i don't have to) A judge ordered him out of the house. I had been sleeping in the dining room to get away from the nightly terror. The last time was the worst time. My ex-father in law ended up standing over me guarding me from him with a baseball bat while the cops came and it took two cops that were 6 ft something and 200 something pounds to take him down...now for my daughter this was NOT the way I wanted her life to be lived and something that she needed to deal with. She needed to have a happy childhood.

I guess what this all boils down to Brandy is this. It has been 8 years. I'm not over it. I'm 85% better than what I was. The fear of dying alone is so strong in me that I do find myself looking for things in places i shouldn't. Strong one? I have to be for Kathleen. Human, yes I am, and as soon as I fully accept the fact that I can't be Wonder Woman, the better off I'll be. It's not easy for any human to admit defeat or failure. The way I've begun to look at it is this....for me to have gotten the "evil" out of mine and Kathleen's life, my failure may be my biggest triumph.

love you Brandy....keep the chin up...

Penguin
Beware the Penguin

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Postby brandy » Mon Sep 25, 2006 2:10 pm

You all are so amazing to be willing to share such personal stories. And you are all amazing for the people you were then and the people you are now. I am up and at work and that is my victory for today. I'm going to try my best to work as hard as I can because I have a big trip starting tomorrow that will either be my salvation because I will be too busy to think about things, or will send me completely over the edge because it will be more than I can handle when added to everything else. One of the hardest parts of this is the physical part. I feel this in my chest and in my stomach and I'm completely exhausted every second of the day, and my eyes and heart are so full of tears that hanging on to them until I can be some place private is a physical effort. I am considering some decisions now, but don't know what the best one is. As I said, I'm miles away from family and friends and can imagine that a move closer to home might be the best thing for me. At the same time, my mom just helped me fix up my new apartment and maybe I shouldn't make any decision when I am hurting so much. On the other hand, I am in so much pain with so little nearby support that I'm not sure I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. Everything here was for him, for us and now there is no us, so maybe it's time to think about myself. I don't know. Anyway, I'm struggling. But, it helps so much to have you all with me in spirit.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer

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ctravel12
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Postby ctravel12 » Mon Sep 25, 2006 5:55 pm

Dear sweet Brandy. I am saying prayers everyday that God gets you through this and that you grow stronger each day. Did you consider taking a leave of absence and go back with your family/friends for the time being. Being there everyday for you I know it is very painful and brings back memories so that is why I suggested another environment where you will have a clean slate and no reminders. Don't get me wrong, you will still have the memories but will not be there as a constant reminder. I do not know if this makes much sense to you but wanted to throw this out to you. Did you ever get in touch with a support group for divorce, maybe not there but if you go back with your family it may be something to look into.
This might be one of the options that may be worth looking into. Please hang in there. I know that is easy for me to say as I am not in your situation, but I do care how you are doing. I know I do not know you, but we are all family but what happens to you really touches all of us and we just want what is best for you. I am going to give you a huge hug ((((((((((hug)))))))))))) and wish I could take the pain away for you. Love you and God be guiding you all of the way.
Charlene

Taking one day at a time

brandy
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Postby brandy » Wed Sep 27, 2006 3:56 pm

I wanted everyone to know that I will be out of commission for a couple of weeks. I am with my parents, getting the help that I need, but will have no access to the internet or my voicemail for a couple of weeks until I can get back on my feet again. I'll give you an update as soon as I'm a little better. Love you all and will be with you in spirit and the moon will be over us all. Brandy
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer


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