I'm just mad!

Share how living with this disease can and does impact your relationships. How do you cope? What questions to you have?
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Rubyslipper
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I'm just mad!

Postby Rubyslipper » Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:11 am

This part of the discussion board isn't used much so probably few will read this. Maybe that's a good thing because I'm going on a rant now.

I love my husband, I truly do. Most of the time he seems to understand the junk I am going through. But then he turns around and I realize he doesn't get it at all. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Maybe I'm just a whiner; but I am tired unto death of life as I know it.

Some of you know that my husband is disabled. A weird disease and he truly is disabled. I would not put up with a pretender. Besides, if you knew my husband you would realize that he is at heart a worker. Lately he has not been feeling very well and I'm afraid he is having a relapse.
This is a real cause for concern as his strength is not great as it is.

So what is my complaint? When I have a bad day, week whatever, he is sympathetic but that's as far as it goes. When he has a bad day or week, it creates new things for me to have to deal with. He gets tired easily but he can rest when he needs to. I do not have that luxury. I have been sick this week-end but I still had to help with the farm work (yes, the same farm work I stated that I love).

This is all just a bunch of sour grapes on my part I know. But I just feel that since I am still working, then surely I can't be in too bad of a shape. I get tired of the lack of concern by my entire family. Oh, just ask Kathy, she will take care of it. Whether it's in the capacity of mother, wife, daughter, sister or friend, there I am. And if I get up the nerve to confront them or say no, than I feel guilty.

Case in point (yes, it is petty but still...) I spent one whole day cleaning the carpets. No help from anyone. Moving furniture, the works. Got it done and it looks great. Hubby and I were having trouble getting the cows moved and he had to run in the house for a minute. Guess wha't now on my clean carpet. But do I tell him to clean up his *%$#@ mess or do it myself and fume. Is it worth the hassle and him getting on his high horse because it really wasn't his fault? I'm not sure what I will do. Whatever it is will cause stress. Guess what the dr told me was a large part of my problems? Stress of course. No matter what I do, I'll be ticked off.

Okay, this doesn't really make sense and besides I have no one to blame but myself. I'm just really tired of being the beast of burden. Suck it up and go on. Easier said than done!
You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself! (Glinda of Oz)

ViewsAskew
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Postby ViewsAskew » Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:35 am

I am sorry to hear that you are concerned about a possible relapse; I hope that is not what it is.

You are in a tough spot with your husband. With the rest of your family? With work? With the church? That may be a bit different. But one may feed the other (if that makes any sense outside of my head).

You are one of the nicest, most caring, hardworking, dependable, and truly concerned about everyone people I have ever met. That is admirable, but your body is pleading with you...

You mentioned that is wasn't worth it about the carpet - that he could get on his high horse and it wasn't really his fault. So, does that mean fault isn't the issue? Are you mad at the situation, or mad at him? When we are mad at the situation, that (to me) is the hardest. It's like a lose-lose - I'm still mad because of what happened and how it affected me, but I can't do anything by deal with it because it isn't something someone else is responsible for.

I'm probably not making any sense either, so I'll stop trying! I hope that you find a way to keep your sanity and step back from what people assume you are responsible for in a way that allows you to feel good about yourself.


Maybe
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

Managing Your RLS

Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

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Rubyslipper
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Postby Rubyslipper » Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:51 am

Thanks, Views. What you said made perfect sense. I know where most of my problems lay; I'm too involved in too many things. I get stressed then everything seems to go wrong.

Finding fault (whether real or not), guilt, the "what do I do now" issues are all hard to deal with. But they are a part of life so you can't just ignore them. It's learning how to handle them.

Thanks for listening to my rant and for your very kind words. I'm better this morning, just needed some time to cool off!
You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself! (Glinda of Oz)

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Postby Polar Bear » Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:31 pm

Oh... Ruby slippers .... that old guilt thing ( is it just a female thing) .... that stops us from making a scene cos 'we always cope/manage/don't want to be thought badly of'. It sounds like you were telling my story. The circumstances are different - but the principles are the same.

Why do we not want to make a fuss,? - cos we don't like to cause anyone upset !! But no-one makes us feel guilty but ourselves.

It is likely that you are/were feeling is not really about the carpet.... well it was the carpet... but probably the carpet was just the catalyst.

This is not a case of sour grapes at all.... it was a crap unfair event.

Views has got it, its a lose-lose.
You feel bad if you give off cos hubby didn't mess up the carpet intentionally, And if he is not well you do not want to be unfair. But you also feel bad cos your hard work got spoiled. Stress either way, cos 'Who looks out for Kathy'.

If you do not normally lose your temper, perhaps a short sharp shock could get the attention focussed on just how much you do -

However, gee, who am I to talk...... I can talk the talk, but walking the walk is different.
Betty
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becat
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Postby becat » Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:53 pm

I think this is the hardest part for many of us.

I know I have pretended I can keep up with everyone for so long that it seems as though my "little health issues" are not much concern. Certainly not to many others.

Since many of us have lived this way, it's likely your in the same boat as Ruby, as I am. I know that your hubby is kind and a hard worker, but I know this of you, too, Ruby.

We have to learn that it is ok to say NO or yes with help.

That one is so very hard for me. I feel like a huge failure to have to ask for help. However, I am not my mother, nor my grandmother, both woman that worked like oxes and never showed a bit of harm from it. But I know the harm that came with it and my body simply shows it. What I would dearly love to hide from all, is given up by my body and it's lack of willingness to heal or rest.

Ruby, it's ok to get mad. True, wise, and expected sometimes. But don't think your doing something wrong by saying it out loud. What we harbor does hurt us, in ways that many will never know. So it's up to us to change it for ourselves.

That does not mean that you think less of hubby, but better of your relationship. You work ever so hard, I know it for a fact. Say no, people will not think less of you. Standing up for yourself is a great thing.

I should have come this weekend, been with you, as I needed the work.

Got any trees needing to come down? LOL

I love you and your rants. You still inspire when you least expect you would.

Love and a moon full of hugs,
Lynne

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Postby ViewsAskew » Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:24 pm

becat wrote:We have to learn that it is ok to say NO or yes with help.

Lynne


Yes, we do. Taking it one step further, we need to learn that the world will NOT fall apart if we gently, kindly, but firmly state what we need and to say yes or no to ANYTHING.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest



Managing Your RLS



Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

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Rubyslipper
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Postby Rubyslipper » Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:31 pm

You have all given me very good advice and wonderful support. I just hate confrontation, it literally makes me sick at my stomach! But holding it all in isn't fun either. Maybe in a small way I even like being the martyr. Who knows? Anyway I go, its a pain. It does make me feel better that I am not alone in feeling this way and dealing with it the way I do.

You all are the greatest! I appreciate all of you and your concern.
You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself! (Glinda of Oz)

ViewsAskew
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Postby ViewsAskew » Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:20 pm

Oh, I'm with you on the confrontation part!!!!!

But, it's gotten a LOT better. A few years ago, I took a class in conflict resolution. My friends all see me as a peacemaker (because I can't stand people in conflict!) and I thought I'd try it.

Who knew that I'd certify as a mediator and eventually become a trainer of new mediators and find myself mediating some pretty tough cases (I am a volunteer).

People think it's so noble to do this...but I get much more out of this than I could possibly give. I've learned to sit with conflict. I've learned that conflict doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong, won't ever talk again, or create untenable circumstances that MUST be overcome.

I still need to learn a lot. But, this has been so wonderful for me.

Just last night I was talking to my mom about this. She is all alone in her large home, thinking she needs a housemate. I agreed with her. Then she says it can't work because she has early hours and has to go to be early in order to get to work on time.

Huh?

She's so afraid of a conflict that may never happen, she won't even try! Wow. She could put an ad in and simply say, Hey, I work early and go to bed early, so need someone on a similar schedule. If someone comes and says, Oh, I stay up late, she can just say, thank you, I hope you find something soon. Period.

I apparently learned at the feet of a master, lol. This is so incredibly hard for us. But, I realized during that conversation how much I've learned in five years. I've learned I CAN stand up for myself in a nice way and that a fight probably won't even happen (I worried so much about what MIGHT happen that I wouldn't do things...uh, like my mom, apparently!).
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest



Managing Your RLS



Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.


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