Sleeping Arrangements

Share how living with this disease can and does impact your relationships. How do you cope? What questions to you have?
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Scarlett46
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Sleeping Arrangements

Postby Scarlett46 » Wed Oct 29, 2008 4:03 pm

I'm starting to freak out.

Although nothing has been officially diagnosed (insurance and financial issues), I believe that I have some version of the following sleep disorders:
RLS
PLMD (maybe)
REM Sleep Behavior Disorder

My husband has said more often lately that he just can't sleep with me. It's either the yelling of profanity, the kicking and punching, or the constant moaning that keeps him awake. So we both suffer from sleep deprivation.

Although I am not kept awake from the RLS, or any of the above... I am definitely kept from sleeping soundly. Because I fight sleep all day long.

It was one thing when we worked different shifts... We could snuggle in the morning when he got home from work, and before I had to get up. Or on the weekends when our schedules could mesh for a few days. But there is no way I could deal with separate beds, let alone separate rooms! Just the thought of the possibility is stressing me out so much that I want to cry. We already have issues with intimacy (always tired... y'know...). I couldn't stand to lose any more closeness.
Last edited by Scarlett46 on Wed Oct 29, 2008 6:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"After all... Tomorrow is another day!"

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Neco
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Postby Neco » Wed Oct 29, 2008 5:36 pm

I think you need to consult some kind of specialist or qualified doctor about these issues..

Never heard of REM Sleep Behavior Disorder, but I am guessing that is where the yelling profanity comes from? Heh..

Either way, I think you guys will benefit the most from being able to talk to someone about your concerns and trying to figure out a way to deal with the problems, and treat them if possible..

Whether it is a doctor, or doc & therapist/counselor, whatever..I think you guys need some help to get a plan.

RLS & PLMD all by themselves can destroy marriages, as at least one member on this forum will attest to.. Whether it is the physical manifestations or spouses uncomfortable with medications (esp. painkillers). These kinds of issues can cause deep rifts to form and life together to end unfortunately.

Of course this doesn't happen to everyone, but it is a real issue that people should approach seriously.

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Postby Polar Bear » Wed Oct 29, 2008 6:50 pm

Hi Scarlett, thinking about you on this one.

I am 'fortunate' that it is 'only' rls that disturbs my/our nights. If I am overly restless, then I go to the spare room for a few hours, and when I settle I return to our own bed.
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
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ViewsAskew
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Postby ViewsAskew » Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:28 pm

Scarlett, I'm crying with you on this...

This, to me, is the worst part of RLS. The robbing you of your relationships with the people you love.

All I can say is that no matter how tired you are, you have to fight this. Work on it. Talk about it. Don't sweep it under the rug. If you don't talk about it and find some solutions, it will not get better in my experience, but will fester until something worse happens.

Also, try to find other ways to be intimate. I am with you on the "too tired' part. There are times I wish I'd never heard of sex. But, I have found ways to be intimate with DH so he knows I care and wish I felt differently. He goes to bed earlier than I. I go to bed with him, however, and snuggle. If he falls asleep quickly, I leave and come back up later.

If he seems that he wants more than snuggling, I help by fulfilling his sexual/intimacy needs, he falls asleep, and I get up until I can sleep.

We also struggled with the movement. We were able to afford a new mattress, but just as easily could have gotten two used twin beds and put them together with a mattress topper. Then, my movement wouldn't awaken him.

I am sure some other people have ideas, too.

My heart is hopeful for you. May you find ways to resolve this until you can get the medical help you need.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

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Postby Polar Bear » Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:43 pm

We bought a memory foam mattress which lessens movement, but to what extent I wouldn't be sure.

I know it's hard to snuggle at night when you get the 'I gotta move' signals. One good reason to make sure that meds are taken early enough to take effect, tho of course they are never just always 100%.

Mornings can be better!!

But this doesn't give you any answers for when you are 'on the go' all night.

I think you really need help to get some peace of body, to allow you to maintain your closeness and intimacy.

Separate beds would drive me crazy also but I think Anne's suggestion of twin beds pushed together is good. I think that is ok, still together but without disturbance. Separate - but still together. :wink:
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
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Scarlett46
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Postby Scarlett46 » Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:25 am

We do have a king sized Sleep Number bed with separately adjustable sides. Unfortunately, that doesn't help the moaning. I wonder if he would be able to sleep with ear plugs?...

I wake up when he's not in bed with me... and find him sitting in the family room watching TV. I feel so bad, because I know it's because of me... :cry:

We are planning to switch sides of the bed soon, too. We switched a little over a year ago, because he had rotator cuff surgery, and wanted to keep that side as far away from me as possible. His pet name for me is accurate - "BooBoo"... Maybe a subtle change will help things for a while.
"After all... Tomorrow is another day!"

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SquirmingSusan
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Postby SquirmingSusan » Thu Oct 30, 2008 3:15 am

I didn't think I could ever get used to sleeping with ear plugs, but after a few nights with them, I really started to like them. If I were to sleep in the same bed as my dh, I would have to wear them because he snores like a chainsaw.

They're cheap and quite comfortable. And he'll never know unless he tries. As for the kicking, maybe you can put something between you in bed, like a pillow (or a dog? LOL, I'm looking at my 100 pound dog).
Susan, squirming Image

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ViewsAskew
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Postby ViewsAskew » Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:26 am

Good idea about the pillow - I put a full length pillow between us.

I also use earplugs for snoring. Works a charm.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest



Managing Your RLS



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mackjergens
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Postby mackjergens » Thu Oct 30, 2008 5:42 am

You do know that sex can often help rls. So maybe this might help with your being too tired? Worth trying and then both would benefit!

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Aiken
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Postby Aiken » Thu Oct 30, 2008 8:27 am

ViewsAskew wrote:Good idea about the pillow - I put a full length pillow between us.

Years ago, my wife went through something for a year or so that was causing her to move her legs around in her sleep, possibly acting out walking and running motions from her dreams.

After about the fifth time she raked her toes down my leg, to my abruptly-waking dismay, we figured out that a rolled-up beach towel *under* the fitted sheet would stay in place and block the motions nicely without taking up as much real estate as pillows. If you only block the bottom few feet of the bed, it also doesn't feel like you're isolated from your honey. Just safe. :)
Disclaimer: I often talk about what I do and what works for me, but these are specific to me and you should always consult a healthcare professional before trying these things yourself, lest you endanger your health or life.

ViewsAskew
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Postby ViewsAskew » Thu Oct 30, 2008 8:45 pm

Good idea, Aiken. I remember vividly the day my ex screamed in pain, shortly after we fell asleep and proclaimed he was moving to the spare bedroom. It was the fifth or sixth time my toenails had racked his shin during PLMs.

That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I won't say that sleeping apart was our only problem, but that it allowed us to start to drift apart.

So, anything that you can to do keep that intimacy...it's important.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest



Managing Your RLS



Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

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Postby Polar Bear » Sat Nov 29, 2008 11:21 pm

Hi Scarlett
Just wondered how you were doing, have you managed to better your sleep.
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation

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Scarlett46
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Postby Scarlett46 » Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:28 pm

Hey, thanks for checking in on me...

Actually, life has been so busy lately that we have not made any changes to our sleeping arrangements yet. Seems that we've had less "bad" nights lately. I think he's been more tired, and sleeping more soundly.

Adding another chink to the problem...
In trying to save money this winter, we're using the wood stove to heat the house. Well, it works great for the addition part of the house - kitchen, family room and our bedroom... But not for the front part - all the other bedrooms and the living room. So this week, we will be moving a hide-a-bed into our bedroom for our 11 year old daughter to use during the winter.

So now, in addition to the current intimacy challenges... we'll have to be creative in our timing and location as well!!! I think the most important thing is for us to talk about it.
"After all... Tomorrow is another day!"

Polar Bear
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Postby Polar Bear » Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:01 pm

Hmmm... timing :lol:
Betty
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Neco
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Postby Neco » Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:32 pm

If you really want to be proud of yourselves you could pull it off when she's asleep / not looking..

Ok that's horrible, I'm sick I admit it.. Partition?

Sometimes you just have to hand the kid a space heater and say hit the road.


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