The Mrs and councellors who suck

Share how living with this disease can and does impact your relationships. How do you cope? What questions to you have?
rthom
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The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby rthom » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:47 am

Just wanted to drop a note (the sleepless half is watching but I get to spout). As the WED has gotten worse, the periods of extreme sleeplessness coupled with other life stressors have put us in a position where we thought a little outside help might be useful. The last bout Randy had with an ongoing period of sleepless days and nights ended up with him having a time where he was "insane". He was having waking "terrors" and was not able to make stable choices or assess what was happening to him in a rational manner. I had not experienced this extreme before and neither had he so we thought maybe a little help would be wise. We went for our first appointment tonight to a female councellor. We had agreed beforehand that Randy would lead off the appointment because the health issues he deals with are very much a part of what we need to get a handle on so that the other issues between the two of us can be approached. The first information she was given was about the WED, severe sleep deprivation and back injury and that he needed to stand. The councellor was very focused on getting paperwork completed and a series of questions she was reading off a paper answered. One of them was about what stressors we have faced in the last year to year and a half. We responded with some of the major life events: our dog being attacked by a pack of dogs that ended with him being put down (he was 15.5 yrs and very much a family member), several deaths in the family, house purchase, financial stress, Randy's doctor seeing fit to point out to me 3x in one visit that he was in imminent danger of a stroke due to high blood pressure, which he has been on Randy about for several months but has no way to improve the issue, a recent diagnosis of oral cancer in the family and the person may not have long, the move to the new house has also required a change to the focus of Randy's business, medication issues, etc. She wanted to know what we wanted out of the sessions. Our reply was that we were looking for ideas to help recognize and find a way to work together to help us through the times when things were out of control due to lack of sleep. Her attitude towards Randy was quite aggressive and she seemed to feel that because we had made the choice to let him speak first that that somehow signaled that I was abused or intimidated. (LOL, boy was she not paying attention ) Her suggestions were to get more sleep (obviously missing the point there) and that we should go home and think about what we each wanted to feel more supported in bad times. Randy was going over some information with her when she interrupted, looked at me, and said that if he always talked this much and was this overbearing she felt sorry for me! Needless to say, in my mind that ended any possibility of feeling she might be effective or have anything useful to contribute. Her attitude towards the RLS was the typical "oh yeah, I've heard of that" but continued to insist that the issues were psyche issues, and dismissed it from further consideration. I am so frustrated! We won't be back, but that kind of leaves us still stuck where we were and afraid of the next time. Ok, thanks for the rant space :wtf:

ViewsAskew
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby ViewsAskew » Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:28 am

I often wonder (with all professions) how some people manage to become whatever it is, why they wanted to in the first place, and how they can possibly stay in doing it (because they clearly are not competent). Mostly I wonder how people like you and me can avoid them...

Therapists are definitely not a one-size fits all, regardless of this ones competence or lack of. This one doesn't fit! I hope that you both can find it in you to try again. In the past, having been through a similar experience with a therapist as you just did, I've decided to interview prospective therapists before choosing a person. I make it clear that I need them to fit me, me to fit with them, and that we both need to meet for at least 15 minutes to get a measure of each other. This was relatively successful, though not perfect. But, much better than the other method!

My best friend was diagnosed with lupus, two other auto immune disorders, lost her mother, and had to stop an adoption process because she became ill, right after she'd bought a house and was terrified she'd lose her job and not be able to pay for it. She found a GREAT medical group that consists of physicians, therapists, and psychiatrists. The practice in an integrative care practice where the therapists help the patients deal with the fall out from medical issues. She is extremely happy with the therapist she sees.

I wonder if such a place might exist in your area?
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

Managing Your RLS

Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

badnights
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby badnights » Fri Jan 20, 2012 5:38 am

Randy's wife, hi! I';m glad you're trying to work together and are aware that a little outside help might be useful. Totally totally wrong therapist, I would guess wrong for everybody but maybe not; maybe she's great for abused women? Anyway, I hope, as Ann has said, that you give the process another shot. Sounds like the interview idea is a good one.

There is nothing nothing worse than lack of sleep, and the first thing you need in a therapist is one who understands that Randy suffers from physical conditions that prevent sleep, and the second thing is that s/he understands the devastating effects of chronic sleep loss. If you presented yourselves half as clearly as you wrote here, the therapist should have understood what you needed from the therapy. It sounds like you did everything right, and she just couldn't hear what you were saying because of pre-conceived notions.
Beth - Wishing you all restful sleep tonight
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torrekay
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby torrekay » Wed Jan 25, 2012 7:30 pm

My ex was a heavy drinker and used to kick the heck out of me each night, to the point that I moved into another bedroom.
Not only did he kick me, was wiggled all over the bed and kicked lamps & phone off the night stand, even to the point of cutting his foot (and, no he did not wake up through any of this).
He wanted me to move back into his bed and I said not before he went to the doctor about his kicking.
Surprising, he did go see his doctor, but when asked if his condition was effecting his relationship, he said 'no'....so, nothing changed and I am gone!

rthom
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby rthom » Thu Jan 26, 2012 3:32 am

Thanks, all
We will try again and are definately looking at the idea of interviewing them first. I am fortunate to work for a terrific company and we are able to access the councelling thru their services. I am going to talk to them first to describe what the issues are as an overview and see if they are perhaps able to be a little more specific with their recommendations. Only fair to give them the info they need to provide the best suggestions for the situation. I really appreciate the feedback, for so long it felt like we were a community of two. I would not ever wish this on anyone (not even that councellor :lol: ), but it is easier when you're not alone. Randy does't the chance to kick me, bless his heart, we had to separate rooms a long time ago. Not just the kicking but the need to have the TV on most of the night and be up doing things. Unfortunately, separation creates it's own issues too. My best goes out to you all, thanks for being there.

ViewsAskew
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby ViewsAskew » Thu Jan 26, 2012 8:02 am

Not sure that this will help....

Counselors believe in different philosophies regarding treatment. There are behaviorists, cognitive, cognitive-behaviorists, humanists, and many more. It's important to match what you want to solve to the approach they offer - and most of us don't have a clue how to do that!

This list may help a bit: http://www.strisik.com/therapy/approaches.htm or this one http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/r ... thods.html . They give a bit of explanation about what difference therapists believe in/follow/do. If you can find out the person's approach before meeting with him/her, you can weed out ones that may not fit what you need.

For me, for example, talk therapy seems pointless (again, to me!) and I would be restless and bored and feel I wasn't getting anywhere. Cognitive-behavioral on the other hand provides clear steps to follow and being active in the approach appeals to me.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest



Managing Your RLS



Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

rthom
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Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2011 3:03 am

Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby rthom » Thu Jan 26, 2012 3:00 pm

thats helpful, thanks

Baffledsilly
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby Baffledsilly » Wed Feb 29, 2012 11:13 pm

Sounds like your having a harder time than me. I am alone and don't have to watch someone I love go through this and try fight of the anger issues and the depression and pain from depression on your own. I feel for you and all of us when we get that blank stare when we tell people about our disease. Like we're freaking crazy, or just empty attempts to console you because they can't imagine what your going through. Hang in there, I know it seems bleak but hopefully you can find someone who understands the disease and knows how to not just treat the disease, but the damage it has done to the rest of your lives.

badnights
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby badnights » Sun Mar 04, 2012 3:29 am

hopefully you can find someone who understands the disease and knows how to not just treat the disease, but the damage it has done to the rest of your lives.
a beautiful hope. I share it.
Beth - Wishing you all restful sleep tonight
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Discussion Board Moderator's posts don't reflect the RLS Foundation's opinion & are not medical advice

rthom
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby rthom » Sun Mar 04, 2012 3:50 am

Thanks for the hope. No luck so far and we now have to start looking farther afield :yawn:

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Rubyslipper
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Re: The Mrs and councellors who suck

Postby Rubyslipper » Sat Mar 10, 2012 9:02 am

I just started with a counselor last month for reasons beyond RLS/WED, although we talk about that too. I was lucky, she is great. Finding the right one can be hard, just like finding a doctor who will deal with RLS. Plus, as Views said, you have to know what kind of treatment will best suit you. I like the talking/questions/response sort of treatment. I walked out of the first session feeling better than I have in quite a while.

Hang in there. The fact that you both agree you need the outside help is a huge step in the right direction. You didn't mention how his doctor is handling any of this. Sounds like it could also be a medication issue (if he is on medication). Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.
You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself! (Glinda of Oz)


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