Taking hints

Share how living with this disease can and does impact your relationships. How do you cope? What questions to you have?
rthom
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Taking hints

Postby rthom » Tue Apr 02, 2013 6:53 am

I find myself frustrated (unspoken--thus the post) sometimes by my lack of being able to pick up on hints. As the tiredness increases it's olbvious that we don't catch on as fast. However in my life anyway it seems to hapen the same way all the time. I need sleep and no one feels it a good plan to point that out when thing in my relationships go off the rails. I don't know if they drop hints or not, but they do know when I do and don't sleep and I get frustrated because I don't think they are responsible for me or my sleep, however I can't see how badly I needit until I get it, wich is too late here. Do we expect too much or what should we expect of our familes? Speaking of letting us know when we need sleep. :roll: :?

badnights
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Re: Taking hints

Postby badnights » Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:14 am

Just ask her to tell you. There is no magic answer to inter-personal communication. It's different for every couple, and everything is normal, even if it's not average. So, if you can't tell when you need sleep, but you know that your wife can, what would be wrong with asking her to let you know? She could say "remember you asked me to tell you if I thought you needed sleep? well, I'm telling you".

But .... my serious question here is, what on earth could you do about it? I frankly go nuts when my buddy says "get some sleep". I want to smack him upside the head, because he should know that I can't just go and get some sleep! So... aren't you in the same situation?
Beth - Wishing you all restful sleep tonight
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rthom
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Re: Taking hints

Postby rthom » Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:28 am

Agreed on both counts, but I have asked her to tell me but she doesn't (just doesn't recognise it maybe?) anyway, it is on my shoulders to not affect the family negatively and I was hoping if she was to tell me 2 things would happen, 1 she would understand things may not be as they seem and 2 I would understand it's really bad and I have to put myself to sleep no matter what the personal cost.

And yo are right I also initially would want to throttle her for making a comment like that--it's just about bringing it to both of our attentions before we have those conversations that just end up hurting each other because things are bad again. We should know by now it's not about (what-ever the topic) it's about the stress.

badnights
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Re: Taking hints

Postby badnights » Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:46 am

Ahh... so then a better approach might be to stop and take stock whenever there's animosity, and at that point instead of carrying on with whatever is going on, stop and say to her, "is this a real argument, or is it stress induced?"

That way, you're notifying yourself as well as her, to look for the real issues. It's also a way of addressing the problem that does not involve trying to change her. This is important, because we have to remember that in any relationship, the only person we can change is ourself.
Beth - Wishing you all restful sleep tonight
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rthom
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Re: Taking hints

Postby rthom » Tue Apr 02, 2013 1:24 pm

Exactly my problem, I believe just that and apprroach everything from that point of view, my problem is that we have huge problems and it all makes sense at the time but if I get some sleep although nothing has changed and everything said was still accurate--the problems seem much less of a deal. This is where i am at a loss. Olbviously at least part of the problem is that I am not dealing with life ok and If I got sleep at that time--likely the problems are manageable. But given the scope of the discussions I am very sure I am too far gone to be able to remember to do what you suggest. This idea you suggested is my normal pattern, what a frustration eh? Neither one of us seems to know or be able to see that we need not talk if I need sleep or when I need sleep. I had made a rule that we not have any serious discussions or decisions made at night (I fnd my choices not as good at night--more impulsive maybe?? Don't know, but definately more frustrated/ angry if not going well), but she doesn't remember not to engage me and as I'm a rule follower or fixer I continue on through till it's finished (usually not as happy about the outcome in the morn if I've had sleep).

badnights
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Re: Taking hints

Postby badnights » Wed Apr 03, 2013 12:19 am

that sounds like a good one to try to follow - to not make impt decisions or engage in impt discussions at night.
Beth - Wishing you all restful sleep tonight
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ViewsAskew
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Re: Taking hints

Postby ViewsAskew » Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:19 am

Maybe you could agree on a signal of some kind. A small flag to wave when it means, "Please stop for now. This is important and I need all my faculties to have this conversation. I promise to have it tomorrow."
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

Managing Your RLS

Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

rthom
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Re: Taking hints

Postby rthom » Wed Apr 03, 2013 4:27 am

That would work if i thought there was anything wrong with me. Everything seems ok or normal, but clearly is not to the general population.

badnights
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Re: Taking hints

Postby badnights » Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:25 am

so the big problem is your own lack of awareness of when you're too tired to be making sense - you don't recognize the exhaustion, and you're thinking it would be nice if she did, and could notify you somehow?

ya, I dunno. If she's willing, and understands what you want, and is capable of recognizing when you're too tired to make sense, then it's a viable idea. If any one of those conditions is not met, don't bother trying to make it happen.

yikes no battery on this laptop
bye
Beth - Wishing you all restful sleep tonight
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rthom
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Re: Taking hints

Postby rthom » Thu Apr 04, 2013 11:07 am

exactly the problem, it's bad enough that it is going to end our marriage of almost 25yrs. Seems so unnecessary to me but yet unfixable at the same time--it's sad neither one of us wants away but yet......continuing to hurt each other......flippin WED.......

debbluebird
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Re: Taking hints

Postby debbluebird » Thu Apr 04, 2013 12:29 pm

My husband will say to me, what's wrong ? Or, you seem crabby. Another one is, he says that I don't always make sense. Plus I don't remember a lot of that. When I hear those remarks from him, I know that I haven't had enough sleep. We've only been married a few years, 5, but we are very honest with each other. We tell each other how we feel about everything. In my two other marriages, we didn't do that. They failed. My husband knows me so well, that I trust him explicitly. Also, when we do have a fight, once it's talked out, it's over. If he's the one who's very angry, then I let him calm down, then we talk. Marriage isn't easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

EeFall
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Re: Taking hints

Postby EeFall » Fri Apr 05, 2013 10:53 am

debbluebird wrote:My husband will say to me, what's wrong ? Or, you seem crabby. Another one is, he says that I don't always make sense. Plus I don't remember a lot of that. When I hear those remarks from him, I know that I haven't had enough sleep. We've only been married a few years, 5, but we are very honest with each other. We tell each other how we feel about everything. In my two other marriages, we didn't do that. They failed. My husband knows me so well, that I trust him explicitly. Also, when we do have a fight, once it's talked out, it's over. If he's the one who's very angry, then I let him calm down, then we talk. Marriage isn't easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.


We have been married 37 years and my wife knew me from childhood. I have had severe RLS for 13 years. For 24 years of our marriage I virtually, we virtually, had no health problems. We meant in grade school 49 years ago when she was 8 years old and I was 9. So the fact is that she has known me for 36 years as one person and 13 years as who I am now. That turns out to be 64% of the time she has known me, the guy she married, was as healthy, normal. The other important fact about RLS/WED for me, and most sufferers (from reading mostly from this site) is that once in awhile RLS sufferers get very close to getting back to their healthy selves (I don't believe that my wife for instance can tell that when I appear normal that the drugs are always there and I am never totally free of it). So occasionally she see me again as my old self.

People in general remember the good times. My wife remembers the good times. It is strange but I will be talking to her about a period of time when I virtually did not sleep for years but she has little recollection of it, it was not good times. So much of the past 13 years of my condition she has put out of her mind! I am absolutely positive about that, it is weird but she remembers the good times and throws out the bad. So instead of the 64% of the time she has known me as healthy, the value has been tampered with by her memory that remembers the good, and suppresses the bad (like most normal people) so I don't doubt that it appears to her that I have been healthy more like 90% or more of the time that she has known me.

Thus the unsolvable problem continues, she continually puts out of her mind the bad times, and I am left wanting.

rthom
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Re: Taking hints

Postby rthom » Fri Apr 05, 2013 4:14 pm

That is very kind of her, I'm glad you have someone as special as she is.

EeFall
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Re: Taking hints

Postby EeFall » Sat Apr 06, 2013 12:13 am

rthom wrote:That is very kind of her, I'm glad you have someone as special as she is.


I know it is strange but when I was a child living in a different state I dreamed about meeting a certain girl. I actually daydreamed about her. I'm talking about when I was between 6 and 8 years old. She didn't exist, it was like a little fairytale kind of thing. Then when I moved when I was about 8 to a different state, in the middle of the school year, I saw her, she was at that school. It is not like an 8 year old is going on a date, but I just sort of thought about her as I was growing up.

Then I guess I must have been about 17 or so and I meet her at this party and we are busy talking to each other in a crowded room and I pull out this money in my pocket, a few bucks in change and tell her that I bet her that money that I can kiss her without touching her. So I kissed her a very long kiss and I hand her the money and told her that I guessed she won because I did have to touch her. That is how we started dating and after several breakups and dating other people we were married while we were both going to college. We were so poor we rented a 30 foot long trailer in a trailer park where I worked as the handyman while I continued going to college. I remember that trailer had a 2 gallon hot water heater, not a 50 gallon like we have now :lol: we had to take some very quick showers then.

jakesmom
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Re: Taking hints

Postby jakesmom » Fri May 03, 2013 9:01 am

This may or may not apply to you, but where I am now, my meds screw me up more than sleep deprivation. Mirapex has made me paranoid, and to some degree, delusional, not to mention the memory loss and the lost link between brain and tongue (what I want to say doesn't always come out right.)

My point here is that is it possible that meds are playing some role in you not knowing when to waive the white flag and taking a nap?

I have a friend I hold dear and we fight like crazy. I often look back and have to acknowledge the me that picked the fight or said things I would not normally say is not the real me. I started Mirapex a year after I met him. He doesn't know the meds I take, aside from knowing they make me tired and incoherent. What he does know and tells me often, mostly in anger, that I need help for my mental condition and I need drugs. I dont need more drugs, i need less. i know I am not the person he met 13 years ago.

I am going in a huge circle. I am not trying to assign blame (except maybe on the meds), but merely making the suggestion that, while your situation is real and the actions and words you use are real, could the meds be affecting your perception?


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