mothers day and tough times.

Share how living with this disease can and does impact your relationships. How do you cope? What questions to you have?
rthom
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mothers day and tough times.

Postby rthom » Thu May 02, 2013 8:36 am

So I'm trying to come up with a new (inexpensive) idea for my wife for mothers day. She will be spendig it for the irst time ever without her eldest son. It isn't that he is not around--but he will not be in contact--as he didn't get what he wanted and left our lives. She is devestated. Her uncle died a couple weeks ago and has a nephew dieng now and has not got the family contact she used to have because of a fight. She's very depressed and trying to keep moving forward. So I'm finding it hard to come up with something that will be meaningful but not reminder her of a current hardship.
Ideas?
I really appreciate any ideas. Even if I don't use it, it might spark an idea.

Polar Bear
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby Polar Bear » Thu May 02, 2013 11:24 am

That is so very sad, and as a mother I can totally try to understand your wife's emotions.

Sometimes I think that the simplest ideas are the best, they show thought and caring.
A day away, somewhere gentle and easy. A walk by the river, or the sea, or a nice park,
simple lunch somewhere, a wee posy of flowers hidden at home so that when you get home
and the outing is over, there is still another little surprise. A flower shop will often make up
a little posy to order, all pinks and lilacs, or all whites, and it needn't be a big expensive gesture.
Just a few flowers and some baby's breath to fill it out and a nice bit of tissue or raffia.
Sometimes I buy supermarket flowers which are excellent and then make them into a posy myself.

It won't take away the hurt she feels but it will show that she is still of value and cared for. :)
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation

debbluebird
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby debbluebird » Thu May 02, 2013 2:09 pm

So sorry to hear of here situation. My daughter has done the same thing to me. So I know how she feels. I think what PB said are good ideas.

rthom
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby rthom » Thu May 02, 2013 2:24 pm

TY both. I in fact, just tok her n a walk yesterday out in a place she had not seen (along the escarpment), took a lunch and the dog and made it a day. Good idea about the flowers--i do that with the grocery store flowers too(mix them with some out of our gardens--i have the green thumb--she hates gardning lol), anyway it's been about a month. So that's a good idea. I think though because i do it a lot i should try to think of someting different too. Thanks again

Polar Bear
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby Polar Bear » Thu May 02, 2013 3:00 pm

Afternoon movie with yummy chocolate....
And then early dinner on the way home.

And a note on her pillow. maybe with one of your hand crafted posies.
I think even just 4 or 5 blooms tied with a little piece of coordinating ribbon which makes it really personal.
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation

jakesmom
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby jakesmom » Fri May 03, 2013 12:00 am

This may sound a bit childish, but my mom apprecistes IOU's. Things your wife does, not because she enjoys them, but to keep the house running smoothly. Slips of construction paper in various colors with a different task. Redeem this for the dinner of your choice, or breakfast in bed, dinner at her favorite restaurant, or a day where you do nothing but relax and be waited on, a laundry free week, etc. I don't know how things normally run in your household. Who cooks, who cleans etc. as I said, it's a childish idea, but it always shows mom how much we appreciate her and all she does; it doesn't cost much, and depending on how much thought you put into it, it can be more valuable than any gift you buy in a store.

ViewsAskew
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby ViewsAskew » Fri May 03, 2013 3:47 am

jakesmom wrote:This may sound a bit childish, but my mom apprecistes IOU's. Things your wife does, not because she enjoys them, but to keep the house running smoothly. Slips of construction paper in various colors with a different task. Redeem this for the dinner of your choice, or breakfast in bed, dinner at her favorite restaurant, or a day where you do nothing but relax and be waited on, a laundry free week, etc. I don't know how things normally run in your household. Who cooks, who cleans etc. as I said, it's a childish idea, but it always shows mom how much we appreciate her and all she does; it doesn't cost much, and depending on how much thought you put into it, it can be more valuable than any gift you buy in a store.


I've done this with my MIL, my grandma, and a boyfriend. All liked the a LOT. My MIL won't ever ask for things, so this way she wasn't asking and didn't feel guilty. I'd already said I'd do it. My boyfriend got different things, lol, and appreciated them just as much. From a massage to doing laundry to making dinner to watching a "chick flick" of her choice, my guess is that your wife would like it, too. And, she gets to remember it every time she pulls one out.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

Managing Your RLS

Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

rthom
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby rthom » Fri May 03, 2013 5:19 am

Thanks for the input. I didn't know how to answer though, because I do the laundry, shopping, coking, gardening, repairs etc. I have tried the iou's as well, because my wife hates breafast in bed (she likes her routine) and I thought it would be a great way for her to control her "gift". The outcome was that she just never used it and did not seem interested at all, when I gave her the card. It was part of another gift at the time. So, for now I don't think I' going to re-visit it. We talked about it and she says she just never thinks about it..... She's not a motivated person when it comes to doing things (one of the kids was like that too--what a pain, it's like trying to excite a sloth--lol).

I still can't think of anything. It makes it hard because we are having trouble right now. Life can be very heavy sometimes.

jakesmom
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby jakesmom » Fri May 03, 2013 8:37 am

Does she read, crochet, like puzzles etc?

What kinds of things does she enjoy doing?

Not trying to be nosey, so I apologize in advance if that is getting too personal.

rthom
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby rthom » Fri May 03, 2013 8:51 am

she loves to read and has an electronic reader--(doesn't want books anymore--we ae busy tryin to get rid of the ones here) but that is all she likes. As a child she read all the time even at the diner table (was an only child--so did nothing, literally {had bro's and sis's but they were all grew up before she was born}). She likes to sit and read--nothing else. not talking etc.. She has no friends, never has--no ambition to have them , or talk etc. I once bought us a cruise (she was aware) but had to return the tickets, even our wedding she did not take part in, or invite her fmily to etc. She is extremely uninterested in life as a concept.
Not too personal, no worries.

jakesmom
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby jakesmom » Fri May 03, 2013 9:19 am

Is she depressed? It sounds like she just wants to isolate herself from the world. Boy do I know that feeling.

The only things I can think of would be her favorite teas or coffees or wine to sip while she reads, a comfy chair in the yard or a porch swing where she can read while enjoying the fresh air, or just a card, blank on the inside, and you tell her what she means to, what kind of mom she has been, and you remind her why you guys made it when so many fail.

rthom
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Joined: Sat Dec 31, 2011 3:03 am

Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby rthom » Fri May 03, 2013 9:24 am

I don't know if she is depressed because she has been like this all her life and as long as we've been together (except for about 6 months dating), her previous marriage was the same. I know she is somewhat with all the crap in our lives right now (got her to see the dr next week), but, really her activity level is the same only her grumpyiness is different.

I am going to do the card thing--I've been sending facebook funny notes or mails, but it's not the same,
I usally cook her special things--but it's been so long (about 24yrs now) that, the concept is no longer special.

Polar Bear
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby Polar Bear » Fri May 03, 2013 9:28 am

If your wife has little interest in anything, or what is going on around her, it does sound a lot like depression. it could of course simply be her own personality - has she ever seen her doctor about this. Is she content to be like this, or is she just like this because she doesn't know how to be any different.

In light of your recent information I'd be inclined not to do anything that asks too much of her in the way of enthusiastic input, because you in turn might be so disappointed that your efforts have been unsuccessful that it puts you in an unhappy place as a couple.

Hmmm... does she like to have her hair done.
A voucher for the hairdresser or fabulous nail manicure and gel polish, or a pedicure, and then after she's been and is feeling nice, then a movie/walk/dinner ... whatever.

If you definitely know that she will not be responsive to any of our suggestions, it may boil down to keeping it really simple so that she does not feel pressured to 'enjoy and be enthusiastic' in an unnatural fashion. Jakesmom suggested favourite teas/coffees, a nice chair for the garden/porch, they sound good.

I appreciate your thoughts in trying to do something special, if your wife is unreceptive it may not be the right time for an extravagant gesture.
I applaud your efforts, I have been in the same position as you, many years ago.
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation

jakesmom
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby jakesmom » Fri May 03, 2013 9:30 am

My coworkers are constantly trying to find me a man. Truth be told, I am happier single. True I get lonely and bored and talk to my 4-footed family members way too much, but I just don't have the energy to be in a relationship.

rthom
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Re: mothers day and tough times.

Postby rthom » Fri May 03, 2013 9:55 am

I believe it's a bit of both. She did not have to do anyting but sit and read as a girl. No sleep overs, no games, teams, hobbies etc. As an adult she only hung with people when she needed something (thus the 6 mnth dating thing, we did all kinds of stuff until she knew I was staying--then nothing) So if you don't practice it--being happy not just sedintary, it's much easier to become depressed. If she ws in the habbit of acknowledging the possitive things, people bring into her life (even if she did not want to actively participate--not do it just say thanks, and notice the positive ), then it would help just that littl bit more to keep from becoming blue or depressed.
Also, it would allow people to feel they have a place in your life, heart etc. and they would be more inclined to try.
Truth be told it's been over 20 yrs and I can't can't carry the motivation in our relationship anymore. Thus the insistance on finding something---to keep some hope in my heart just one more time.
Truthfully I think she would be better off without me---this would mean she would have to do it for herself and not worry about my concerns.
It's just way too hard on both of us.


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