Ruined Relationships

Share how living with this disease can and does impact your relationships. How do you cope? What questions to you have?
debbluebird
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Ruined Relationships

Postby debbluebird » Mon May 27, 2013 1:13 am

I've ruined a few relationships in the last few years. That didn't happen to me to this degree before. What's left of my family doesn't want to be around me. Luckily my husband doesn't fee that way. Somehow I still manage to have friends. I guess this also goes along with being grumpy. Being exhausted most of the time doesnt'

Polar Bear
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby Polar Bear » Mon May 27, 2013 1:39 am

We are not the people that we were, an eagle can't soar if his wings are clipped.... and our wings are certainly clipped.

Folks ask each other... How Are You? They are being polite. If we tell them the truth they would run a mile - in general.
But if we don't tell them and we try to be 'normal' and if it is a day when 'normal' isn't manageable then we can come across as perhaps antisocial or disinterested.
If we do a cover up and put on our happy face that may work for a while but it's hard to act happy all of the time when some of the time we are totally miserable, exhausted and incoherent.

Some friends can make it through the bad times with us, others just want good times.
Those that are still with us knowing all of the difficulties and have sat in a restaurant while we stood up and did stretches are a joy.
But don't forget that relationships are a two way thing, and everyone has their quirks and annoyances.
If we are not always ideal company because of our symptoms and the damage they cause us, there will be other days and friends who find us a pleasure to be with.
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation

EeFall
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Location: USA

Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby EeFall » Mon May 27, 2013 6:30 am

I have moved around a bit in my profession, from job to job. I experimented from one job to the next as to just how I should go about being me. The sad thing is that I have to actually decide who I am going to be "this time", at any new job I have. It doesn't really matter one way or another - I'm going to be perceived as strange. I didn't used to have to pretend who I was, I just was me. I don't have any friends left, not really, not friends that can come over and play a game of snooker or something like that. I am actively seeking a new position and I guarantee you that I will NEVER comment on my health to anyone at work again - never. It is better that they think I am a workaholic (which I sort of am) and to just ignore everyone as much as possible.

As soon as I tell someone in my profession what I have they usually become hell bent on fixing it like, have you tried this, or my Aunt Sue swears by hypnotism or some off the wall BS like that. I decided before taking my present job now about 2 years ago that I would not mention my health but I don't think I was there more than two months when they said they were going to rotate everyone onto nightshift. I had actually lost a job a few years prior to this because working night shift is terrible for someone with severe RLS. I don't want to go into the details, but it wasn't good. My sleep doctor at the time was ticked at me for not telling him I had gone on nightshift, that I should never have done that and to never do it again. So I had to tell my manager, and then he had me tell HR, and then they approved it. People noticed but never asked me why I was never in the rotation for night shift but then I found out a note was sent to everyone but me explaining I couldn't work it because of medical reasons.

So then probably a third of my group thought I was trying to get out of working nights (the job that I was fired from I had volunteered to work nights so I could stay away from people). So anyways it is not a good idea in my view to tell anyone at work that....but then if you don't tell them then....they think you are a lazy b****** because you keep missing. work. A true no win situation....better to not to start a new job with anyone knowing your situation....imho

EeFall
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby EeFall » Mon May 27, 2013 11:57 am

OMG! I just slept another 5 hours! As soon as I sent the message above I fell asleep. I know this because I just woke up because I moved during my sleep and I barely stopped the laptop from sliding off my lap in time. I hadn't even had the chance to turn the lights off or put my VPAP machine on (which isn't a good thing). The pramipexole is working exactly how it should be working, my symptoms go completely away at .25 mg. I just don't understand why it only works for a while now, the last time it worked it worked for 30 days, I wonder how long I have this time?

Life is just so miserable without this working. Sorry to post to this Ruined Relationships thread, but I will say that it is like waking up from being in a coma and finding out that the world has moved on without you. I feel like I am well but my life is shattered around me and everyone is gone. Even if there was a way to change the monster I have become and say, "Hey come back, I was just sick, I'm alright now, I'm sorry." No one would give a damn and then what then? Last time I had 30 days in February (even that doesn't add up), I probably have even fewer days this time until I am back to being so extremely tired that my personality changes again.

EeFall
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby EeFall » Mon May 27, 2013 11:57 am

Double post.
Last edited by EeFall on Mon May 27, 2013 12:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

rthom
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby rthom » Tue May 28, 2013 6:22 am

debbluebird wrote:I've ruined a few relationships in the last few years. That didn't happen to me to this degree before. What's left of my family doesn't want to be around me. Luckily my husband doesn't fee that way. Somehow I still manage to have friends. I guess this also goes along with being grumpy. Being exhausted most of the time doesnt'



I have the same thing doing on, and because of my Illness history I never had many friends through life anyway. So now when I am faced with decisions about our family it is really tough, because they are my sole support--good or bad.
Makes it like having a conflict of intrest sometimes really.
Anyway, I feel for you deb. I hope your spirits pick up soon. Do you garden? Maybe a bit of being outside might help, even a little? :roll:

debbluebird
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby debbluebird » Tue May 28, 2013 1:40 pm

Thanks rthom. I'm up and down with my moods. Actually I'm up most of the time. What worries me is my relationship with my daughter. It's pretty much ruined. As far as the other relationships are concerned I have made amends and moved on. With her it's not that simple. I've done everything that I can. I just can't let her go. What makes it worse is I haven't seen her in a year or spoken to her since last Sept. They now have orders to go to South Korea in Aug. They will be there 2 or 3 years. So who knows how long it will be before I see them. Before all of the mess I would be seeing them before they leave. Now I won't. It's just hard.

Polar Bear
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby Polar Bear » Tue May 28, 2013 4:55 pm

Oh Deb, from another mother I feel so much for you.
I don't know how near or far your daughter is living from you, but would it be possible to contact her and say that you'd like to see her, put differences to the side, agree to differ, and have a coffee or whatever together. Just a little step ??
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation

debbluebird
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2012 3:27 pm

Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby debbluebird » Tue May 28, 2013 5:45 pm

She is a two day drive away. I can't drive myself anymore for that distance. She said she would never come here again. So there you go.

rthom
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby rthom » Tue May 28, 2013 7:20 pm

I don't know if you remember but last sept we had a lot of stress with our son too. He has since moved and we are not allowed to his place--having done nothing wrong--even by his standards it's very tough. (his new wife says the bible says he is to "leave his parents and cleave to his wife") So we have had no contact since christmas day. Both my wife and I have had Bdays (mine 3 days ago) and still no contact. The hard part for us is that we a house we bought for them to live in (our son wanted to start renting houses--so we used our retirement to buy a first one to start off, we were to live in one part and him the other, then in a few years buy a second house etc...) so now we have no contact and all our money tied up in something he has rights to, and txes etc. need to be done. You get it.
As if it wasn't bad enough to have to deal with the emotional stuff-there always seems to be complicating factors. I'm sure it is the same for you both. (my wife hasn't been sleeping much {and she NEEDS her sleep, or she is really hard to be around}, and has started int the change of life thing--full fledged, bad sweats every few mins etc. It's just making things here so much worse between the two of us lacking in sleep. Also The dr said she is severly depressed. Antidepressants seem to be making things far worse. Anybody know what healthy choices there are that seems to work for the menopause thing? Or doesn't.

Back to the message--I really hope with time and coler heads your daughter learns the value of your friendship deb. You will be in our thoughts. 8)

Polar Bear
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby Polar Bear » Tue May 28, 2013 10:13 pm

Deb and rthom - My heart is with both of you... and I hope that in time things will mend.

rthom - regarding the menopause I don't know much about it.... I was through it without realising, so lucky me.
But if your wife is having such severe hot flashes and stuff she possibly needs to go see her doctor and have her hormone levels checked. Already done perhaps.
And if the AD is making her worse it sounds like she needs to try a different one.
Betty
http://www.willis-ekbom.org/about-rls-wed/publications
Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation

debbluebird
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby debbluebird » Wed May 29, 2013 4:13 am

So sorry about your situation. Regarding your wife, here's what I know. Black Cohosh (20 mg to 60 mg, 3 times daily, Vitamin E (400 to 800 IU daily) to help reduce hot flashes and night sweats, Vitamin C (1,000 mg to 2,000 mg daily) helps absorption of Vitamin E and decreases capillary fragility. There are a few others, but these are the main ones. I agree with PB, she should probably try another antidepressant.
It sounds like you don't have anything in writing with your sons house. I'm sorry but your daughter in law sound like she is out in left field with her religion. Yes cleave to your wife, but that doesn't mean don't talk to your parents. I'm so sorry. My daughter just doesn't want to see me or talk to me. She does e-mail me once in awhile. So my situation is a little better than yours. We went from what I thought was a good relationship to what it is now. Maybe some day it will get better. It just gets to me. I guess the worst part is I haven't seem them in a year and now they will be gone 2 or 3 more years. The kids are 6 and 8 now.

rthom
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby rthom » Wed May 29, 2013 5:17 am

Grandchildren make it much worse, i figure. It's just not the natural course of events I figure. I am glad you have at least some contact.

badnights
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby badnights » Wed May 29, 2013 5:56 am

deb, can you simply say that, in a short email to her?
eg."Maybe I shouldn't assume that you know this already; so I'll tell you. I would love to see you and the kids before you go; I feel pain to think of going another 2-3 years without seeing you. It is awful to think of. I just wanted you to know how I feel."
Or something....
Just something that maybe wouldn't change anything, but at least she would know how you felt. I think it's important that she know...

I am super lucky to know a couple of people who still like me. I guess they are the ones who saw through me, and when the disease came, they could still see me. How this disease can change things! I can't begin to understand it, but the effect on relationships is profound. I guess because relationships take so much energy? And most people will not expend the effort if you can't reciprocate.

rthom, your wife's depression is probably separate from her menopause, and probably has been there for a long time, from other comments you've made. Remember, lasting depression is not caused by life circumstances, it's caused by a chemical imbalance and can happen even to people with "perfect" lives; just as people with lots of problems to deal with can be non-depressed. If the medication she is using is not helping - or making it worse! - definitely she should see her doctor and request a change. Depression is not fully understood and the medication situation is a lot like RLS/WED - you have to experiment, and what is good for one person may be bad for another. So if she has just started on these, she may have to try a few.

Maybe you almost don't dare to hope at this point, nut it might be a good beginning.
Beth - Wishing you all restful sleep tonight
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rthom
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Re: Ruined Relationships

Postby rthom » Wed May 29, 2013 6:12 am

She has low bp normally and it is dropping her BP to the point of passing out. 3 guesses, what he Dr is doing about that problem with it and what the recomendation was.


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