World War III - I pushed the button

[EeFall]

Two weeks ago a visit to our son's house turned into a mess (it was not my fault), but of course I was blamed.

A couple of days later there was an apology from them.
(I wasn't going to apologize, nor would I EVER, because it was not my fault).

A visit this weekend to their place and there were a few cold shoulders but we overlooked it.

Yesterday I texted my son a question and he never replied.
(I asked my wife about it, she was upset and I assume she texted him).

My son called her. He was upset and mad at me for going there and not apologizing to his wife, so in other words the apology from his wife was not genuine, it required that I apologize in return evidently.

I texted him today that, "You are dead to me." (button pushed).

Result - casualties of war: 2 grandkids, son, daughter-in-law, grandmother, and me.

Fix none[ {

[rthom]

wow- that's harsh--for all of you.

[Polar Bear]

What a sad situation for everyone -
I know that there are particular histories and everyone has their own issues but it's a big step to press the button.

[debbluebird]

I can't believe how our lives are so similar. I pushed the button, only in person, a year ago, aimed at my daughter. We have talked about this on here. I listened to your advice and have been receiving e-mails from her and I have been writing e-mails back. That might sound good, but I know that she will never come here again, and I won't see any of them again. I never thought this would happen in a million years to us.
I am so sorry for your situation too. I just don't know anymore. I my past I have apologized to people when I knew it was them instead of me. It's hard anyway you look at it. Time does heal. I hope. At least that's what everyone always says.

[ViewsAskew]

There's an old saying, Would you rather be right or happy? A psychologist asked my best friend that many years ago. When my friend told me, I can still remember thinking, "What do you mean? How could you even ask this! Right is what is important!" What a wry moment it was for me to come face to face with this.

For many years, I wanted to be right. fast forward 20 years and sometimes I still do and I still blow it. Fortunately, even if I choose right in the moment, I usually come back and choose happy a short time later and can amend the situation. Right doesn't help me sleep at night, it doesn't hug me, nor does it full me with the giddiness of endorphins that come from another's love, concern, and warmth toward me.

[EeFall]

I think it is not about being right, it is the realization I had today that I am still a father to my son even though he is going on 36 years old. They both need to understand that what she did, and then what he did are disingenuous, dishonorable, rude, and insulting to my wife (his mother) and myself. If I do not make a stand then like any children they will continue to do the same thing over and over again. I am appalled by their actions towards my wife and myself, if anyone else had treated us like that, I would never see them again until there was an apology. I am not going to allow them to hold our grandkids over us as a kind of blackmail. My wife would do this though, and I understand it, but I won't do the same. The flaw, if I have anything to do about it, will not be passed down to our grandkids if that is what it takes, then I will take on the burden. They will have to consider just why I will not allow things to go on as if nothing had happened. I thought I was done raising my son, but I guess not. It makes me sad, especially since I am sick but that is pretty much how my life has been going. Maybe it is partly the RLS and everything that goes along with it, but it is a part of who I am now and I can't see past it.

[rthom]

I agree with all three of you. I have the same thing going on here as you all know. And as with Eefall I just cannot allow the situation to go on as if there was no problem or as in my case I would have to accept the blame for things that do not belong in my court. This cannot be good for any of us I have recently figured out. For their lives I lived as Ann talked about because I believed hurt feelings can do more damage to the family than accuracy of talk/actions. So I allowed people to just go on as if there was nothing "that important" but as I found out, I cannot take on all the failures of this family on my shoulders alone and not be given the respect of acknowledging rights and wrongs done by others. Make sense? It is not about me wanting to prove others wrong-but to have others not lay everything at my feet, without being made aware that, that choice has consequences for others, me and them included.
In short I've become alot more honest about what happens here. I also believe family should shore up each other, and in the case like mine where everyone is over 25, that includes me. I cannot shore up the whole family any longer while putting up with their negative responses--etc.

[debbluebird]

That has been my whole dilemma this past year. My daughter had been treating me very badly, without respect (and more) since my divorce to her father. Last year I finally called her on it. Told her how I felt. Just like you said EeFall, I felt like since I was the Mother I should say something. She was also treating my new husband badly. On the other hand this situation has been killing me. I have been very torn as to what to do. So we have been communicating by e-mail and that's all there will ever be. I just don't know. She just doesn't seem to get it. She just thinks I want to start fights, when I would like to discuss it. A year ago, I didn't even raise my voice, or cry. (I usually cry). I was very calm. It's like she didn't hear what I was saying.
So I agree with all of you, including Ann. I believe the happy vs right too.

[rthom]

It's a fine line to get peace and reslution in these situations. I have always believed that because of my WED I have been too tired to fight with others, so I allowed a pattern of apathy to develop around here. And others took advantage of it, instead of caring for me and my feelings they were (doing what was more normal) caring for themselves pretty much exclusively. This would be something I taught them by being so careful to not do anything that was wrong or inconvient to others (being the best friend/father/husband--never do wrong if I care enough, idea). So I taught them that they and their lives/wants were more important than mine (or likely anybody elses), and it is not good for a longterm relationship--it just can't work that way. In short, my tiredness made a big mess of my relationships.

[EeFall]

What a dilemma. I think it may be partly that I too because of my RLS/sleep problems was trying to be overly nice to everyone since the turn of the century (wow that sounds like a long time), I just hadn't realized that everyone would run me over like a monster truck. Besides that none of my family, except my wife, realize what I have been going through with WED, it is just about more than I can take. I just don't understand where the compassion and understanding has gone. Maybe this is more common than I think (than we think) it is, that grown children still need direction from their parents and that everything isn't as nice as I assumed it would be with having the grandkids. We love our grandkids and our son and hope it all works out eventually. A guy I work with is having a similar problem with his grown daughter too, I haven't even mentioned this to anyone at work, and won't, after getting an ear full of it from him about his daughter but I think it may be pretty common unfortunately.

[debbluebird]

I called my daughter today. She answered the phone. It's been almost a year since I spoke to her. We had a nice conversation. I didn't bring up any issues, because that's when she shuts down. They will be moving in a month to Kentucky. She is driving next week to go and find a house. I feel better since I talked to her. It was making me crazy. Maybe the worst is over.

[Polar Bear]

debbluebird - I think that you can considered good steps have been made. And doors are always open.
If your daughter had not wanted any contact she would not have been talking with you, and would not be exchanging emails

[ViewsAskew]

I called my daughter today. She answered the phone. It's been almost a year since I spoke to her. We had a nice conversation. I didn't bring up any issues, because that's when she shuts down. They will be moving in a month to Kentucky. She is driving next week to go and find a house. I feel better since I talked to her. It was making me crazy. Maybe the worst is over.

I can "hear" your relief in your post. Good for you for reaching out anyway. It's hard to do.

[EeFall]

I wrote an email to my son, his wife, and my wife today and apologized! I had some really good sleep the night before. Yes, I am going completely insane without sleep, no doubt about it. Sleep makes all the difference. My son called me today and all is well once again and we are going to our granddaughters 1 year old birthday next Saturday!

[EeFall]

I called my daughter today. She answered the phone. It's been almost a year since I spoke to her. We had a nice conversation. I didn't bring up any issues, because that's when she shuts down. They will be moving in a month to Kentucky. She is driving next week to go and find a house. I feel better since I talked to her. It was making me crazy. Maybe the worst is over.

Awesome!