How do you hold down a job?

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Taco Bill
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Joined: Tue Jul 23, 2019 8:00 pm

How do you hold down a job?

Postby Taco Bill » Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:41 pm

I haven't worked in over a year. It's killing me mentally. My work was one of the only things that kept me grounded and provided me with much needed structure and social interaction, not to mention money. My biggest fear has come to pass which is not being able to support myself. I can't pull my own weight. I am one step from living in my car. Suicide is on my mind constantly. Even though I am beyond exhausted and even when my legs are under control, the intense anxiety prevents me from sleeping. Most nights are all nighters. I try to get sleep during the day but my anxiety combined with feelings of guilt and shame over not working flood my brain and send me into a panic. I am really hard on myself. I live in a place with 3 other people. Every single day I see them go to sleep and wake up and go to work, while I sit rotting in despair. I feel like a total loser and a waste of a human being. I have an appointment with Dr. B in a little over a week. I am 46 and have no support at all. I am no longer useful and maybe I should just go off by myself and die. Never married, no kids, toxic family of origin. The loneliness is painful.

I am wondering if anyone else has had their work live destroyed.

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Re: How do you hold down a job?

Postby Rustsmith » Wed Aug 14, 2019 9:35 pm

Taco Bill, many of us have been where you are and have gotten through it. But it sounds like you need far more help than we can provide through this forum. Please go to the nearest ER and tell them your situation. They can provide you with help for your mood and also connect you with the appropriate local services for whatever other assistance you need.

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Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

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Re: How do you hold down a job?

Postby ViewsAskew » Thu Aug 15, 2019 5:54 am

Besides Dr. B, do you have anyone to support your mental and physical health? I remember a bit of your story, Taco Bill, and you have worked so hard only to be in this position. You need more people to help. I realize how hard that is.
Ann - Take what you need, leave the rest

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Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation, and are not medical advice.

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Re: How do you hold down a job?

Postby legsbestill » Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:06 am

Please cut yourself some slack. It is clear from your post that you would work if you possibly could. I too wonder constantly how people with rls manage a normal working life. My decisions regarding my career are blighted by it.

I thoroughly agree with Steve, you need - and deserve - extra help at the moment. It is very hard to take the steps to seek this when you are exhausted but your life sounds too difficult to cope with on your own.

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Re: How do you hold down a job?

Postby badnights » Sun Aug 18, 2019 6:55 am

Taco Bill - It's impossible to imagine now, but you have to believe me that this will end, and things will be better. I remember when I first came on this board, I could not see how anything was ever going to get better. Someone told me "suicide is a permanent end to a temporary problem". Turned out she was right, the problems that seemed insurmountable weren't - I just wasn't capable of imagining then how the problems would go sideways and stop being problems.

I lost so much that made myself me that I no longer knew who I was. My career was destroyed & my social life ruined, though I've hung on to my job (sort of). It helped to talk things out here. Remarkably, despite the ups and downs, I am now glad that I'm alive. I hate what I've been through - and some of what I'm going thru - but the ride is worth it. Honestly, I don't know exactly how I pulled through - but you're going to too. You're clearly tough enough.

One of the hardest things is to accept that we're less than we were. We're not actually less, we're just different, but it sure seems like less, and the challenge is to accept it. And as legsbestill said, cut yourself some slack. You're doing remarkably well considering that you haven't had a full night of sleep in forever. Be proud of yourself for what you're doing - living as a decent human being in the face of terrible odds. Acknowledge that even something as small as reading posts here is a valuable form of self-care; making that appt with Dr B even more so. You're on track to fix things.

You have more than one problem to deal with; it will help to sort that out in your mind. You know that there are treatments that will make your life better (like opioids for the WED/RLS); so now you need to believe that (even if it seems impossible now) you will find a way to get the treatment you need. We will help however we can, but most of the steps will be yours. Have you seen Dr B yet? What did he say?

Do you have access to any cash, so you can buy some kratom? That might give you enough sleep to hang in there. It's devastatingly hard to hang in there on no sleep.

No matter what, no matter when, remember there's people here who know how valuable you are, even if you can't see it right now. {{{Taco Bill}}} (those are hugs)
Beth - Wishing you a restful sleep tonight
I am a volunteer moderator. My posts are not medical advice. My posts do not reflect RLS Foundation opinion.

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