Suboxone - Living on the Edge

[EeFall]

This is not a disease for wimps! I suppose no disease is, but this really really is not!

Today I worked. I had hoped that I would be normal (whatever that is) now that Suboxone is allowing me to sleep but I'm not. I have to build my walls up higher to keep my emotions and feelings in check. I can't afford to quit or get fired. My wife and I would lose everything. I have lost so much money in lost wages in the last two years from medical leave (which they would not pay me any benefits for) that I can't afford to miss any work at all.

I am making errors that I am not even aware of which is really scary to me. The other day I found out I made an error because I didn't read something correctly. I had read it several times but my mind did not see it. It isn't like me at all. I have to work even harder now because I have to constantly double check what I am doing.

I don't know why this is happening. I thought most of it was from a lack of sleep but now I am getting 6+ hours a night sleep, up to 8 hours a night. It might be the Suboxone, it might be because the sleep is the result of Suboxone. Maybe it is the RLS itself, it is still there it is just being masked. Maybe it is messing with my mind. I am getting to the point that I have a kind of panic attack, it is like I am not in control and it scares me.

While all this is going on I have a job to do and I have to be "normal". There is no part of the day that is more enjoyable than when I walk out of the office. It is like walking out of the screen from a film battle scene. The fact is though this is the only life I have and I can't give up. I just have to get up every morning and go to work and pretend like I am like I was 15 years ago. I should get an acting award. I scared my wife yesterday, she thought I was giving up but she was going to stick with me anyways. It gave me strength, she gave me strength. I apoligised to her, I told her everything would be alright and I sure am continuing to hope it will be. One day at a time is all I can do.

I'm lucky the Suboxone is working, I could be pacing back and forth all day and night falling to sleep on my feet as I have done for so many years. It could be so much worse. All I have to do is work 8 hours a day.

[debbluebird]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. This is exactly what happened to me. Maybe you will be able to hang on longer than I did. The only advice I can give is to write everything down that you need to remember and go over carefully and directions/instructions.

[EeFall]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. This is exactly what happened to me. Maybe you will be able to hang on longer than I did. The only advice I can give is to write everything down that you need to remember and go over carefully and directions/instructions.

Yeah thanks. I'm trying but it is not going too well. I'm doing my last 45 minutes at work right now and my mind just can't do it anymore today. I got almost 7 hours sleep last night but it can't just be sleep.

[debbluebird]

What I think, is not too encouraging. I don't want to say it out loud. I'm getting plenty of sleep and it still happens to me all the time.

[EeFall]

What I think, is not too encouraging. I don't want to say it out loud. I'm getting plenty of sleep and it still happens to me all the time.

It is hell getting old lol, I just wish I had the money to quit work and enjoy life for awhile. Even our money situation is from not thinking clearly. One thinks that they can just keep on doing the same things for ever but the reality is that we get old and everything gets more difficult. I doubt that I have alzheimer's or something like that but I think that RLS itself may have something to do with it. The same thing that causes the restlessness, only relieved by movement, might also be giving me trouble with memory and reasoning. Plus the Suboxone is very powerful stuff, taking it everyday can't be a good thing. 15 years of severe RLS is just wearing me down. I wonder how it would have been without RLS.

Life is still good though, all I can do is keep going. My dang shoulder is starting to act up again. Different pain this time, rather than the sudden stabbing pain in one area, this is my entire shoulder smoldering, I guess the best word would be. Thankfully it goes away (at least so far) I would just like to get through Spring and Summer.

[EeFall]

I went to bed last night at 9:30pm, my wife about fainted that I would go to bed that early but I woke up abruptly at 4:30am. I have already gotten ready for work and I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee watching the news. My wife is still in bed, I envy her she can sleep up to 9 hours. I guess 7 hours sleep is about all I need now. It is nice to actually get up because I have had enough sleep - it's fantastic!

Suboxone does make me feel a little groggy though it is just that I don't notice it much because I am busy during the day. Sitting here now I can feel it. It is a 3 day weekend here because of Memorial Day on Monday. It is a holiday for honoring the veterans of war (which we have a lot of - war and veterans). It will be nice having the time off.

[ViewsAskew]

You know - this may be playing with fire....

I wonder what an AD would do for you? I have often thought that the opioids - any of them - change our brain chemistry to help the WED go away, but for some of us, they also change our mood to something less than optimal. While I don't like the idea of treating a drug effect's with another drug, in some cases, that may be the only option. We know that 2 to 20% of people taking ADs have increased WED. But, that is pretty low, all things considered. And, while one drug may increase it, others will not. It might be worth a try to see if any help change mood for the better.

[Polar Bear]

Just for a little information - I take an AD (Citalopram 20mg) and I'm unaware of any negative effect. It certainly helped me.

[EeFall]

Hey you guys thanks for the ideas. I used to take Remeron, in fact they gave me it first before they knew about the RLS. It snapped me out of depression and then even after I was taking mirapex I stayed taking it for many years. I finally got off of it because it was making me pretty groggy. Actually my father took a AD for some very bad depression. Back then he took the going thing for it, forget the name but many took it for it. I suppose I may tend towards depression as it seems to run in the family. Oh I remember, lithium. When I was a kid he even had shock therapy. I should ask doc I guess. The last few days have been good again. It would be nice to have a stable existence for awhile

[EeFall]

I went to bed at 10:30 pm and immediately started having nightmares. Eventually I did get to sleep again but by midnight I was restless, I stayed in bed until 12:30 am, couldn't take it any longer and got up. The thing about this strange disease is that it makes no sense half the time. I slept really well for several nights and then this happens for no apparent reason.

I stained the porch today. I had put up a bottom skirt, some people put up a lattice but I purchased solid 12" x 46" frames with vertical cedar slates within and used 6 of them to make the cedar porch look solid (there was a foot of empty space with weeds under the porch). I put up the skirting a few days ago and figured I would stain it today, which I did, but also re-stained the floor of porch as it has seen a lot of wear in the past 2 years since our place was finished. Also today my wife and I painted a table, a 2-step ladder, and a vintage door for out back. I am wondering now if the fumes may have messed up my sleep. Nothing would surprise me, but that is about the only thing we have done different today.

[EeFall]

I went to bed at 10:30pm tonight and got up at 11pm. It is now 2:53am - yikes. I have been taking 4mg of Suboxone. When I got up I took an extra 2mg. I will attempt to go to bed again within a 1/2 hour or so. I am beginning to feel groggy. I just don't understand what is happening. 2 nights in a row not sleeping. Good thing tomorrow is a holiday.

We did some more work outside today. Trimmed branches of a large cedar tree which is on the neighbors side of the fence to keep the big old tree from the shed roof, the fence, and other shrubs. When we moved here I purchased one of those pole trimmers that extends out to 17 1/2 feet, pretty cool gadget. For branches under an inch or so you just pull on the rope and it cuts the branch, if it is too thick then there is a nice sharp hand saw at the end. We also removed a small douglas fir, behind our shed. We unloaded about a 1,000 pounds of concrete tiles that my son gave to us. We are going to lay most of them behind the shed to make a little place to store tools against the back of the shed wall. Tomorrow we will put up the vintage door we found yesterday. My wife sanded it down and spray painted the sides and front purple, tomorrow after it is hung the back will be painted the same green as our manufactured home and shed so it blends with the house. That way we can see the purple door in our backyard but the outside world just sees the green.

After doing that work my right arm became sore. We stopped for the day and we watched 3 movies in a row Man I gotta be more careful. At least my wife and I were lifting the tiles together and I tried mostly to use my good arm. Exercise tends to increase my RLS but I can't believe that anything can make much of a difference taking Suboxone. I just do not understand what is happening, unless it is getting worse again. I need some luck

[EeFall]

Slept 7 1/2 hours last night but still seesawing about every 3 days. Able to work is the important thing and feeling good generally. Grandkids came over after I got home from work today. When they left at 8pm my wife and I were both pooped.

[ViewsAskew]

Here's hoping is stays like this. it's not perfect, but it's manageable.

[Polar Bear]

Being able to manage, and have a reasonable quality of life, is what most of us are aiming for. More than that and we are ecstatic.
And yep, grandkids and being pooped go together.

[EeFall]

I told you it was seesawing, I am in the pit of hell again. Last night I layed in bed for 6 hours without sleeping at all. The difference is that I didn't have to get up, but I did get up and took a shower to see if I could even go to work. It was a total no go. My wife drove me around town doing a few things but I have been pretty out of it all day. I sure hope I can sleep tonight. I had contacted the doctor the other day asking about taking more but he tried to contact me, and I ended up emailing him again and haven't heard back. Maybe he decided to send me a larger dose or something else, I don't know, but obviously I am going back to the old hell once again. It has hit me hard today because I realize how many years of my life have been lived in torment and waste and I don't want to go back to it.

I really began to think it would work for good this time but then I have been duped into thinking that now a zillion times.