OUR SWEET NADIA,
I know your heart is heavy and you mind is trying to sort it all out, but look at how much you did just by saying it out loud. I too have been "faking it " for some time now. Most of the past 5 years. That's not to say that there have been true moments of joy, laughter, and wonderful heart pictures....But life has a way of putting us on a path and we're not wearing the right shoes for it. Mountain climbing in stelettos is the perfect way to reach the top, but it's often the feeling we have when faking it through the day, week, year, or years.
I know where your at, I feel the weight on your heart and the clouds in your mind. I've never wanted to end it all, nor should you. We are here for a reason. We have a purpose. There is a better plan, we just haven't found the right shoes yet. The will rise and you will rise with it.
Starting in Sept. 2000, We lost my beloved father in law, an overwhelming loss for me. He and I were so bonded, trusted, friends. At the same time my parents divorced 2 wks short of 49 yrs of marriage. same day same court, 30 minutes apart my youngest brother divorced as well. Aug. 12, 2001, our 18 month old niece drown in her backyard pool. I spent 10 days with her family, my husband stayed with his mom to comfort and care for her. Then sept. 11, 2001 happened and with family and friends living and working in NYC, the world went haywire. Bless all got out safely, however it took many, many hours to know of their plight. March 26, 2002 we lost my mother in law. I was hours from being able to be with her.
My body failed in every way possible, my heart was so overloaded that I thought a beat would break it. My mind was muddied to the point of no return. For the next 2 years I struggled to push it all back, down, or simply out of the way.
I forced my heart to feel again, bring the pain, anger, and confusion to the surface. I still struggle to not fake it. Faking it has enabled me to make it through the last month or so. My son was involved in an accident just this July that seriously changed the life of another person, the true impact yet to be determined. Faking it is ok, you'll deal with it all some day, maybe bits at a time. but you'll come out far better that you would have been. Sounds empty right now, but it's the truth I swear it to you.
I want to share a passage from a book I've been reading, it's stuck in my head. Maybe to remind me that the bigger picture is a work in progress.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON, by MIRA KIRSHENBAUM:
she writes ......"If something happens to me and I learn from it, then I instantly become a new species of me. I've experienced a for of minievolution mithin myself. A lower form of mehas evolved into a slightly higher form of me.........The learn gives meaning to our lives."
Nadia, I share this openly with you and our little family here, why? Well, I think that we all have pain that is overwheling in different ways, through different events.......But that's why we are the caring people we are today. Your right life is short, the sunshine we receive is a gift from the universe we live in. The people we know are the flowers in our hearts garden. Some events are the weeds, and it's just apart of life. You will make it through this. You'll change, you'll hurt, you might get angry at the painter of the bigger picture..........But you are a flower in the garden that strong, sweet, and beautiful. You have the ability to spread that seed through out your life. You smart, your funny, your a doer....
This is an awful time for you and I hear and share your pain and confusion. Know this, you have people that deeply care and would swim a very large ocean for you. I for one am putting on my suit now, and sending (((((((((hugs))))))) in front of me.
Take any time you need and let us know if we can help.
God Bless.
Need to Vent
-
claradragon
- Posts: 93
- Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2004 5:15 am
- Location: kent,england UK
- Contact:
My thoughts, heart, hugs and support to you both.
Times like these are never easy on the heart and can take us to that dark place in which we can drown in so easily. Yes there have been times when i've checked out my various drugs available to make sure i had enough to do the job.I do not like being in that place and i try to divert myself if i feel that is where i'm heading which is a lot easier said than done.
Love and big hugs to you all and my condolences to your friend Nadia
Times like these are never easy on the heart and can take us to that dark place in which we can drown in so easily. Yes there have been times when i've checked out my various drugs available to make sure i had enough to do the job.I do not like being in that place and i try to divert myself if i feel that is where i'm heading which is a lot easier said than done.
Love and big hugs to you all and my condolences to your friend Nadia
My bio is on pg1/new to rls/new members and current members please help.My diary is under new to rls/is there light at the end of the tunnel?
A Belated, but Heartfealt Thankyou!!!!
Hey guys (and gals)
A very, very, very, very BIG THANKYOU for the kind words, positive thoughts, and especially the HUGS! I felt every Hug as it arrived!! Although I have been through some very very dark times, I have not ever once wanted to "hop off" this ride that we call life. There is too much on offer and too many surprises waiting to be discovered so I'll be hanging around for a loooong while yet!
It has been a rough few days and the funeral is still yet to come, tomorrow morning (Monday 11am AEST). The entire family is shattered, but they are rallying together, with their friends around them to support them.
Everyone has accepted that although it would have been nice for Baby Thom to have stayed with us, clearly he was better off leaving us, as he would have had little or no quality of life. His parents, Karen and Nigel, although devastated. know that they will cherish the three weeks they did have to get to know their son for the rest of their lives.
My friend Thom, still has his protective brick wall around him for the time being, as he found himself being nominated "chief organiser" for the funeral service and everything else involved in the process. It is taking its toll on him and his family but I know the floodgates of emotion will open in the very near future. I spoke to him at length in person this afternoon and he is just running on autopilot, as most of the family are.
Your sympathies have all been passed on and they have been welcomed with open hearts and arms. Every one of your thoughts and prayers is being heard by the family. Thankyou, Thankyou, Thankyou!!!
Who knew 20 years ago that something like the internet could/would literally unite people from all over the world in their times of need! I consider myself priviledged to know and be friends with such a wonderful group of people who are available for each other around the clock. Although we might be a small group, from where I sit, it has certainly made the world a better place!
Big (((((HUGS))))) to you all!
A very, very, very, very BIG THANKYOU for the kind words, positive thoughts, and especially the HUGS! I felt every Hug as it arrived!! Although I have been through some very very dark times, I have not ever once wanted to "hop off" this ride that we call life. There is too much on offer and too many surprises waiting to be discovered so I'll be hanging around for a loooong while yet!
It has been a rough few days and the funeral is still yet to come, tomorrow morning (Monday 11am AEST). The entire family is shattered, but they are rallying together, with their friends around them to support them.
Everyone has accepted that although it would have been nice for Baby Thom to have stayed with us, clearly he was better off leaving us, as he would have had little or no quality of life. His parents, Karen and Nigel, although devastated. know that they will cherish the three weeks they did have to get to know their son for the rest of their lives.
My friend Thom, still has his protective brick wall around him for the time being, as he found himself being nominated "chief organiser" for the funeral service and everything else involved in the process. It is taking its toll on him and his family but I know the floodgates of emotion will open in the very near future. I spoke to him at length in person this afternoon and he is just running on autopilot, as most of the family are.
Your sympathies have all been passed on and they have been welcomed with open hearts and arms. Every one of your thoughts and prayers is being heard by the family. Thankyou, Thankyou, Thankyou!!!
Who knew 20 years ago that something like the internet could/would literally unite people from all over the world in their times of need! I consider myself priviledged to know and be friends with such a wonderful group of people who are available for each other around the clock. Although we might be a small group, from where I sit, it has certainly made the world a better place!
Big (((((HUGS))))) to you all!
Nadia
My philosophy is simply this: Life is too short to be diplomatic. Your friends should not care what you do, or say; and for those who are not your friends ... their loss!!!
My philosophy is simply this: Life is too short to be diplomatic. Your friends should not care what you do, or say; and for those who are not your friends ... their loss!!!