My husband seems to have all of the RLS symptoms I've been reading about, although he has not yet been diagnosed. (The symptoms have been there for several years, buthave gotten much worse in the last 3-6 months). We're working out health insurance issues to get him to a specialist ASAP. Meanwhile, we end up taking turns sleeping on the floor - we want to be in the same room (so we don't head for a couch / guest room), but sharing the same bed means that neither of us sleeps, because his leg movement keep us both awake. When we try to share the bed, his anxiety about waking me up seems to worsen the symptoms and reduce his sleep even further. We really miss being able to sleep in the same bed, and each of us feels awful to see the other on the floor!
How have others dealt with this problem? Has anyone had success with a memory-foam mattress / mattress pad, to reduce the amount that the bed jumps? And I read in a different thread that it may also reduce his symptoms, which would make it worth it on its own, if that were so...
Many, many thanks for any guidance that anyone might offer.
Hope others will jump in with suggestions on this, since my RLS affects me less laying down than sitting (so I still sleep okay) and if I kick a lot, my sound-sleeper hubby's not been bothered by it.
But couldn't let your post go without saying "hello" and how sorry I am for you both to be going through this. Spouses suffer, too. So far mine mostly misses me staying awake after the kids go to bed to watch a movie and have a snuggle on the couch. But I know that later on (we're 39), there might be more effects on our married life.
Some members seem to have had SOME improvement from a memory foam mattress or topper (sounds like 2" minimum is the best?) My hubby and I are considering getting one, since the body-formed egg crate topper we have been sleeping on is on it's last legs. We've had memory foam pillows for several years, which I like pretty well, except when we were living in our motorhome in the winter--- the memory foam doesn't soften up as well in cold temps. In a normal-temperature house, I think that wouldn't be a problem.
At any rate, no real wisdom to share, but I do empathize with you two missing sharing a bed. My husband's job takes him away about half the nights, and I was just thinking last night when he was home, how much nicer it is not to sleep by myself. Must drive you guys nuts to have the other one "there" but not be able to snuggle. I agree with you, though, it's nicer to at least be in the same room.
Thanks for such a quick reply! I've told my husband all about this site, so I'm hoping he'll log on, too. Reading about what so many of you are going through gives me that much more empathy for my husband. He has trouble being in the car for any length of time, has significant pain in both legs, is perpetually sleep-deprived, and infrequently has trouble with stairs. For a man who has always been extremely physically fit and active (and who is only 36), this has been extremely hard. I think the things contained in this site will be wonderful for him.
Thank you all for being such a source of information and support!
And by the way, does anyone else have suggestions about ways to share a bed with a loved one with RLS (and still get a little sleep)?
Being in the car is tough for a LOT of us here!!! I know that's one of my most helpless-feeling situations. So far, I'm okay with stairs, but I hope it lasts because we are just finishing building a three-story house!
Hey, folks!!! Anyone here with sleeping arrangement suggestions for these two?
Take care, Torrey, and all the best to your husband. I'm just a little older than him, and used to being sort of indestructible (for a girl )... so this is very frustrating for me, too. Tonight's a bad night, after several good ones, and it's discouraging (and I'm even lucky enough to sleep pretty well.) We all know how he feels.
I'm probably a lot older than you guys and I've had RLS for about 20 years. I'm a friend of Sara's and I just noticed your post, so I thought I'd join in. I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. It's not easy, is it? And, until you or your spouse have RLS, you just don't realize how much of your life it impacts (i.e., sleeping in the same bed). Well, I'm afraid, right now, I'm not the best person to answer your question. BUT, I can assure you there is hope! RLSr's have their ups and downs. I just happen to be going through a down period right now. But, we won't focus on that. In the past, my husband (who does not suffer from RLS) and I have managed to conquer those awful nights (which luckily didn't appear EVERY night back then) by him giving me back rubs, rubbing my head (which sounds so simple, but actually worked), and we would always use a timer on the TV, because having background noise kept my mind occupied so I didn't dwell on what was happening inside my legs. On the worst nights, he would even draw a warm bath for me, or use a massager on my legs. Do you notice what a nice husband I have? Now, I'm afraid, I spend most nights on the couch in my family room. But, that has just been a recent occurrance, so I don't want to alarm either one of you. We have experienced an added amount of stress in our lives, and, if you have read anything about RLS, you know that stress and RLS don't like each other! Ha! And, I 'm afraid, my meds are about to outlive their usefulness, so I have an appt. with my neuro in TWO days, and none too soon!! So, I'm hoping to be back in my husband's bed REALLY SOON!! I miss lying beside him at night. I miss just lying still at night!!! But, I have a good doctor, and I'm positive that will come!! We have another member of this forum who is fond of saying "STAY POSITIVE". You'd laugh at me saying that if you read some of my recent posts. I'm afraid I haven't been very positive lately!! Frustration is a big side effect of RLS!! But, she is right. Try to stay positive. But, don't beat yourself up if you don't. And, remember to love each other through this. I know how bad it is!!! WE ALL DO HERE!! That's what we're here for--anytime you want to vent--go ahead!!! You've got to get it out and we all understand. In the meantime, I hope you and your husband have a good doctor who listens to you. Try to be kind and understanding with each other (it sounds like you already are!). Torrey, he's got a great wife! Hang in there and keep reading posts. You may find a great idea in one of them. Welcome to our family!!
What my wife and I found was that when she massaged my legs, I was able to get off to sleep (and stay asleep) and the RLS would not be so bad.
So, in a way it's a solution that worked for us, but, it meant that my wife did the massage and I fell straight to sleep. This made me feel selfish and eventually I withdrew from that solution.
Perhaps you can give it a try and if your hubby finds that it works, and his feelings do not get in the way...... Success!!!!
We just bought a memory foam mattress last week. After a week, I'd say we're both much happier. I'm not sure it makes me sleep better, but I know that he doesn't feel my movements nearly as much, so I am more comfortable being there. It was expensive, but it was worth it. Supposedly they last for 20 years; a conventional one only lasts for 10. So, the price should end up the same. I just wish we had done it sooner! Oh, he does feel my movements slightly if I am thrashing in my sleep, but he can deal with that. Seems that the mattress we tried in the store had less movement; we're not sure if it's because of the bed we have (platform with a bucky (sp?) board underneath) or because it's still new.
Good luck - we were alternating on the couch and it definitely was not good. It's hard to stay connected and intimate when you are sleeping in separate spaces, even if it's in the same room. Hope the insurance thing works out, too. Until you can see a specialist, maybe you can get your primary care to help. There is an algorithm posted here http://www.mayo.edu/proceedings/2004/jul/7907crc.pdf that you can share with your Dr. I shared it with mine as I my appt to see a specialist neuro isn't until February and my primary care doc was more than willing to read it and use it.
Well, that sounds good! It's definitely better if you two CAN share a bed!
I had to wonder, though, if the difference between the mattress you have and the one you tried could be room temperature or something, as well as the bed/age issues you mentioned.
I noticed with the memory foam neck pillow my husband bought me years ago, that it felt a lot different, for example, when we went camping in a cold or hot place than it did at home in the temperature I was used to using it in.
SOOOOOOO happy for you two for ANY improvement in married conditions. Here's to snuggling!!!! (At least more than you HAD been!)
I too am a wife of someone who suffers from severe RLS. It seems to come in waves, not unlike a menstral cycle. Two problems unfold for spouses. First, we are helpless and it is daunting to not be able to be so. I have seen this condition bring my husband to tears and without me being able to comfort him.
Second, restless nights and his fear of restless nights has frankly made him into a mean crouch. I never know who I will wake up next too. I miss the man he was. His bedside drawer is now filled with remedies that were not, yet in vein he gropes for them in the dark mightmere of his restless nights.
If only there was a cure. At least RLS is coming into mainstream media.
Good luck. I suppose if we really love our husbands, our marriage will last longer than it will take to find a solution.
Thank you for sharing your insights and reminding many that RLS affects not only the individual who has RLS but so many others as well. Many a spouse will emapthize with what you have said. I know from my own experience that my husband feels much as you do. It was difficult for him to see me suffer and like your husband my emotions and attitudes could vary drastically. Hopefully, you will share this site with him and find some information which will help your husband with managing his RLS.
*************Positive Thoughts and Energy to all spouses and families of RLS individuals****************** Hazel
Opinions presented by Discussion Board Moderators are personal in nature and do not, in any way, represent the opinion of the RLS Foundation.
Music can be made anywhere, is invisible and does not smell. --W H Auden
My husband and I have had a lot of trouble with this, also. I am the RLS sufferer and he is not. Some of the things we have tried is setting aside time in the bed to cuddle and then he will gently and sweetly tuck me in and go to the couch. Also, sometimes we are able to fall asleep together, then my PLMS will wake him up and he'll move to the couch, but we were able to fall asleep together. Also, some people are getting twin beds and putting them next to each other (just slightly separated so you are out of kicking range) so you can feel like your sleeping together without the difficulties. I have an amazing husband who has spent seemingly hours rubbing my feet or taking walks with me in the evening to help. He also spends time talking about other things when I am really struggling to get my mind off of my legs, but that is tricky, because you want to acknowledge the struggle your husband is having. My personal approach is education. Read "Sleep Thief" or "RLS Rebel" or one of the other books that are out that can help you and he both understand the disorder further. Another idea, if you are able, is to take naps together in the afternoon, since a lot of people don't have symptoms in the afternoon. This will give you some cuddle time. Having someone to talk to that takes my difficulties seriously has made a huge difference and I'm sure your husband appreciates your support. My husband sometimes goes to bed before I do when my symptoms are really bad and I feel especially lonely. Perhaps you could write a serious of loving and encouraging letters for him to open on the nights when he is walking the floors and you need to get to sleep. And, on occasion, stay up with him so he doesn't feel so alone. Finally, talk to him at a time when he is not too on edge from lack of sleep about how you can work together to keep your relationship from suffering as a result of his disorder. Also, I know you are looking to see a specialist, but perhaps your family doctor could prescribe something as a stop-gap measure until you can get there. I haven't been around here very long, but I know that you will find support here and if your husband joins, he will, too. RLS affects more women than men, but there are men on this sight. I'm a newbie, too, but welcome.
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. Albert Schweitzer
I agree with you, though, it's nicer to at least be in the same room.
)... so this is very frustrating for me, too. Tonight's a bad night, after several good ones, and it's discouraging (and I'm even lucky enough to sleep pretty well.) We all know how he feels.
(At least more than you HAD been!)