I dont even know where to start

For everything and anything else not covered in the other RLS sections.
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Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 1:29 pm

Post by bradyferguson »

Im always amazed at how selfless people can be to take time out of there day to put pen to paper for the sole purpose to support others. i guess my job in the military jaded me a little as I was unfortunate to see the ugly side of Humans. And I guess my only struggle is I somehow dont feel entitled to feel supported after the things that have happened in my life. And how i have shamed myself. I always believed that I was the type of man who valued his wife and would never stray in my relationship as I respected my wife so much. I just dont know what the f... has happened to me. is it the meds...is that just a convienient excuse...well surely lack of sleep must contribute to my poor decision making...but part of me believes that this is BS. I cringe when I think of my behaviour toward my wife, I have a hard time looking her in the eyes these days.

I just dont understand how my wife is still willing to be with me. I almost feel embarrased when i am with her as I dont believe that i deserve her. It just is not right for her to want to still be with me. How is it possible that she can move past it when i cant.

I remember the anger that I was feeling when i wrote my previous posts...gritting my teeth I had what i call the f... its. I must say my intention was not to even read what people responded, i just wanted express myself. I truly had understated how valuable a tool that this group can be in battleing my disease.

Its comforting to know that others have been standing in there garage at 3am debating weather to cut there ams and legs off with a chainsaw. knowing my luck if i did amputate my limbs my stumps would have RLS....LOL.

The last thing that i am trying to do is blame all my problems on anything but myself. I take full responsability for my actions....i probably deserve the dumb **** of the year award. Sure i understand logically that sleep deprivation and meds can create an enviornment that is condusive to poor decision making however, Im just not at the point where i believe this. I almost feel that I am making the stupid mistakes i made back in my 20s as if i am de-evolving, how could i have allow my life to go into the crapper the way i did.

By being brutally honest i somehow get a feeling of wellness. I know my words at times are all over the spectrum...and perhaps i never do say what i intended on saying when i sat down...but just know that in my own wierd way its helping me to type all this babble.

One of the hardest things about RLS is they way it robs my family. I somehow think at times that i am at fault for being tired and im poor excuse for a father. However parenting is something that I have a great deal of pride in and whole heartedly love being a stay at home dad to both my girls. I see the way my girls look at me like i am a superhero and I know that I am doing a kick **** job as a father. I away i believe that my disease has made me a better father and a more involved father as i tend to overcompensate. I generally use what i call the opposite rule. in any parenting situation i do the exact opposite that my parents did and it seems to serve me well.

Thank you so much for all of your selflessness. I am proud to be apart of a group such as ours as it restores my faith in my fellow man(and women of course). not that i ever questioned this groups ability to come to the aid of a fallen one, it that i am really having a hard time dealing with my behaviour over the past few years and dont feel that i deserve being supported. I believe that if i dont come to grips with this soon it will continue to consume me. it is really difficult to look my wife in the eyes these days. I feel like a 3 year old at there birthday opening a present only to find a 40000 dollar diamond watch...it just isnt right.

i always found that this group kept me accountable in my life. and it also raises my awarness of my own life. others tend to see things in our lives that we dont see. both our good and bad traits. I always said that the best gift that a friend can give is to be a mirror for that person. as to allow them to see themselves for who they really are. A friend will remind you what u have to offer and when they see you straying in the wrong direction. You all have truly been friends to me.

generally though i am doing much better than i was, I thank you all for your consern. I guess i have been complacent when it comes to my helth these days. Its a very good reminder how important it is to be vigalant about my health. Im not sleeping any better and i seem to have developed RLS in my neck. I now find myself having to shake my head back and forth on my pillow....I know its WACK....what the heck was GOD thinking when he invented this one.

Take care all


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Post by Sojourner »

b, we're both up a bit late this night. Perhaps, again. Your words, their meaning, their feeling... for all you care about and love are eloquent!

Best wishes,

This post simply reflects opinion. Quantities are limited while supplies last. Some assembly required.

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Post by dogeyed »

Hello Brady,
That's funny, you wanting to chop your limbs off. Yup, I can remember when I first got RLS, I'd lay on the couch thinking I'd like to shoot my legs off. Ha!

About you coming to terms with "the human condition," that is, remorsing about failures, hey, I "wandered through my playing cards" about five years ago (quote from Whiter Shade of Pale), and had to visit every last thing until I accepted it all and forgave myself. Fearsome thing, letting go of old junked up cars in the driveway.

One way to let go is to give. Give your heart away to your wife. Let her have your heart. You're giving it here, so you can give it there.

But I gotta say, you need some sleep somehow! You're way too ramped up. If you've still got pain killers around, those stop the RLS so that you can sleep... but what works for me may not for you. I have to take four medications to be fairly normal, and the timing has to be just right. Some I can only take in the morning or I get nightmares, for example. But I've got a bunch of "health issues," each one takes a different medication, and somehow, thru a few years of trial and error and working with my docs, I finally hit on the right combination.

I know you 'splained what all your drugs have been, but maybe you could tell us again exactly what you're on now, and perhaps someone here can give you some tips on how them thangs is workin for or against you.

About you not being able to look wife in the eye, I saw this on TV, and they put a fighting couple in two chairs facing each other, and made them not look away but stare at each other, and then say something heartfelt to the other. Truths came out, and I guess some lies, but at least they were listening to each other for a change. I don't think it's necessarily good to tell the WHOLE truth, but that's my experience.

My husband, when he realizes I'm all upset about something, he'll turn and face me and look me right in the face, and I feel like he cares. And if you need something from your wife, to get help with your fears, you can tell her. She might be good to lean on while you go through this.

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Post by Neco »

Don't feel too bad Brady,

This is one case where you can clearly blame some of your problems on the medication.. It is a known and legitimate side effect that caused you to do a lot of these things, and then you were put in a situation where you were forced to go to the street to get the treatment you needed. That's not your fault, it is partly societies fault. People like to think we have made a lot of progress but the truth is many prejudices old and new, still exist beneath the skin of everyone.

Just don't give up on trying to obtain treatment.. and yes, it is OK to tell a little white lie about your medications if there is even a CHANCE you can get proper treatment.. I know that sounds hypocritical but being in the military I'm sure you are familiar with "The ends justify the means if it is for a good cause" and its not like your actions are going to start a war or anything.

You are right that being brutally honest can be a relieving thing.. I have always been very honest with others even when I couldn't be honest with myself, and I don't regret it.. Everyone here knew about my addiction problems long before my family ever got a hint, and even still some of them have issues with accepting the fact that -I- accept I'm an addict. So go figure =\

About your wife.. You can't keep blaming yourself.. I'll assume that you have talked with her at length about it, and hopfeully explained or got across the idea that it was the medicine making you do these things. Your wife is the only other person in the world who knows you as well as anyone can, so maybe she saw this too. Maybe she sees how guilty you feel and can see that you would never do something like that in your right mind? I am just speculating, but you should take comfort in the fact that she is sticking by you and is doing her best to forgive you and move on.

Just be sure and show her that you still love and appreciate her and I think things will settle down. Maybe you could benefit from some counseling, maybe even with her there too, to help you move on.

But please, don't stop trying to get help and don't accept defeat. You DON'T have to live with RLS and that is the truth.

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Post by dogeyed »

Just to add to what Zach said, I assume you've showed your wife all the info about side effects of Mirapex and the class action lawsuit stuff, it would ease her mind. And as for the truth and the whole truth, my own relatives have said, "They don't keep enough to themselves to stay warm." So, white lies are okay and so is omission, unless you're on the witness stand. That's why they make you swear, so you won't do what is fairly acceptable in society, to white lie. Sometimes lies are kinder. And I go for kindness over honesty, not to mention self-preservation... even in a court of law, they don't make spouses take the stand against each other, they are exempt, and the person accused doesn't have to take the stand against themselves neither. Interesting, huh?

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Post by ctravel12 »

Hi Brady your wife is still with you as I feel in my heart (from just reading a couple of your post) she truly loves you. Please look her straight in her eyes as remember when you got married one of the vows said was "for better or for worse". Please forgive yourself first and the rest will fall in place.

I know you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and your wife, children and your family here will be here waiting for you with open arms and will never let you go.

I joined this board two years ago and if it was not for this family here I do not know if I would of made it. You are calling out for help and we are hearing you and will never stop listening and will always be there for you. I will keep you in my daily prayers and ask God to guide you in the right direction. I know he will. I hope that you do not mind me saying this.

Please take care and keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

If you ever feel like chatting, I host the Monday night chat and would love to have you join us. Below my signature is the link to the chat room and I get on at 6 pm az. time. Do not know the time difference from your place to Az but would love to have you chat. We have a great time.

Take care my friend.
Taking one day at a time

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Post by becat »

Brady I have to make this a short one. I'll write more when I get back on.
But I know your in good hands here, so I hope you know that too.

I told you years ago and you must have forgotten, but I haven't.

You are worthy.

You Are Still Worthy.

I love you and am so glad that you came back and posted. We will always tie a knot in anyone's rope. I'm so glad you caught it. :D

A moon full of love and prayers to you, my little brother.

Love Lynne

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Location: Missouri

Post by Rubyslipper »

I am a lucky person in that Mirapex does not cause these problems with me. Your pain is so intense in every word you write that I just cry for you. You have such immense caring in your heart or you would not be so traumatized by these happenings. You have a family here who would truly like to help and you have received great advice. There really isn't anything I could add to this, except...

You are a human being who has made some wrong turns. You are also trying so hard to make amends to your loved ones. There is a valiant person inside you who will give you courage and strength if you let him. Sleep is your friend and foe right now. You need it and none of us has a good answer in how to achieve it. This is another area where you need to be strong and insistant.

Call, write, email and call again to every doctor who might help you. We are with you in this and will be here everytime you post. There is not a person here who would not help you in any way they can.

Keep posting.
You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself! (Glinda of Oz)

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