My Story <3
Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 9:23 am
Hi everyone!
I'm Jessica and I'm 26 years old. I have never been diagnosed with RLS, but I know this is what I have because of the research that I've done.
It all started when I was around 15 years old. I had went through some very tough times with my family due to my parents almost getting a divorced. I became extremely depressed and even attempted to take my life several times. I honestly do not know how I am still alive today after all of the things I put my body through. I became very withdrawn and basically hated my dad for wanting to leave when he was the one that caused all of the problems in the first place. I am a firm believer that you should leave instead of dragging people through hell only to turn around and leave after the other person has put up with your crap. I could not take it anymore. So I attempted suicide. That failed somehow and my doctor put me on anxiety and depression medications. I was taking Cymbalta (sp?) and Celexa for a year and a half. I started noticing that I was having some issues with my legs not wanting to stay still when I was laying down. It didn't hurt, but it did make it almost impossible for me to stop moving. I always felt like I had ran a marathon by the end of the day. I figured it was the medications, so I didn't ever say anything about it.
After I took myself off the medication (weaned myself off, not cold turkey) I did not notice any change in my legs. They still felt like they had to move at night when I laid down.
After dealing with this for years I decided to do research on it and find out what was going on. I discovered RLS through putting my symptoms into a website and reading descriptions on what my issue could be. RLS fit perfectly and still does. I had talked to my mother about RLS and she told me that she had it too! She said that doctors do not really know how to diagnose this and often times assume that it is a sleeping disorder and try to prescribe medications that do not help.
This idea terrified me because I am not one to put useless things into my body. Except for ice cream...ice cream is delicious and should be enjoyed by everyone.
I decided the best thing for me to do was not tell a doctor about what was going on. I did not want to be attached to a machine to monitor my sleeping habits.
Now I sit here at 3am...like I do probably 5 nights out of the week...waiting to get tired enough to finally go to sleep. It's not that I do not attempt to go to sleep. I lay in bed with my husband and make my best attempt possible at getting into a comfortable position so I can drift off. I never seem to get comfortable though.
I researched (thats how I found this site) home "remedies" for RLS and have tried basically everything I have read to fight this horrible condition. I feel that I am missing out on so much due to this. I don't get enough sleep which leads me to sleep too late or have to take naps during the day. I want to be able to stay awake all day and actually be productive. I have not told my husband about this. I feel that I have too many things wrong with me already and I do not want to add to the list.
Depression
Anxiety
Panic Attacks- several times per day...everyday.
Infertility
PCOS
Bi-Polar disorder
Those are all of the things that he knows about. He does not know about RLS and he does not know that I suffer from PTSD. He had dealt with my psychological issues and my infertility issues rather well, but he is one to believe that any and all psychological issues can be dealt with without medication. I believe there are some conditions that need to be dealt with using medications in order for someone to have that quality of life that everyone speaks of. I know I sure want to have it, but at times I cannot make my mind or body do it on its own. Sometimes I need medications to get over rough times in my life. My husband simply does not understand this, but that is okay. He loves me and he deals with my views and I deal with his. We work together and even if we disagree we do so in a respectful way.
On Wednesday I am going to the doctor to try another round of a fertility drug. I am hopeful that this will lead to a successful pregnancy and that most of my depression and anxiety will clear up as a result of a positive pregnancy test. I have been rather stressed and rather depressed because my husband and I have tried for 3 whole years (sex almost every day) and I have been unable to get pregnant. I am hopeful even though most of my brain tells me that it wont happen. If it doesn't, that is okay. I am prepared to live my life knowing that I will never have children, so if I do end up pregnant it will hands down be the most exciting time of my life.
I have seen a lot of posts on here about people wanting to give up and possibly even consider suicide. I have been down that path...not due to RLS...but due to other significant life events. I can tell you that things do improve no matter how painful (physically or mentally) they are.
I have been down the suicide path. I remember the night vividly and I doubt I'll ever forget. I took 72 OTC high blood pressure cold/flu pills, drank almost an entire bottle of vodka, and somehow managed to take an extacy pill. After it all started kicking in I just remember vomiting bright green. I had not had anything green to eat, so I'm not sure what exactly that was, but it was strange. I then remember laying down in bed and not being able to move at all. I remember thinking that this was it. This is how I'm going to die and it does not hurt. I felt nothing emotionally. I didn't think of my parents...I didn't think of the broken engagement that I had just lost. I didn't think about anybody else but myself and how I would never have to hurt again.
The next thing I know I am waking up late the next day perfectly fine, but groggy. I had survived and I was not sure how. My will to be successful at taking my life was very strong and I made sure to do whatever I could to accomplish it. I failed. At first I felt like I just could not do anything right and then I felt proud that I had survived somehow and thought that this must mean that I have something that I have to do or even I'm here for a reason.
I don't believe this way now. I don't believe I was given a second chance. I believe I did it wrong and could have managed to do something a little different and it would have worked. However, I am very thankful that I failed because I would not be where I am today. RLS is real. The pain and discomfort from it is real. But this is proof that I survived and I am able to feel a wide variety of emotions and sensations that I would have missed out on.
I want everyone to be strong and hold on...find something or somebody to hold onto. Suicide is not a selfish act, but I can assure you that there are many reasons to live. If you can't think of any then you aren't thinking hard enough.
<3
Thanks everyone for reading this loooonnnnggg essay! I've been holding all of this in so long it feels good to finally have it down in front of me. I hope that maybe someone can be inspired or feel more positive from reading this crazy mess.
I'm Jessica and I'm 26 years old. I have never been diagnosed with RLS, but I know this is what I have because of the research that I've done.
It all started when I was around 15 years old. I had went through some very tough times with my family due to my parents almost getting a divorced. I became extremely depressed and even attempted to take my life several times. I honestly do not know how I am still alive today after all of the things I put my body through. I became very withdrawn and basically hated my dad for wanting to leave when he was the one that caused all of the problems in the first place. I am a firm believer that you should leave instead of dragging people through hell only to turn around and leave after the other person has put up with your crap. I could not take it anymore. So I attempted suicide. That failed somehow and my doctor put me on anxiety and depression medications. I was taking Cymbalta (sp?) and Celexa for a year and a half. I started noticing that I was having some issues with my legs not wanting to stay still when I was laying down. It didn't hurt, but it did make it almost impossible for me to stop moving. I always felt like I had ran a marathon by the end of the day. I figured it was the medications, so I didn't ever say anything about it.
After I took myself off the medication (weaned myself off, not cold turkey) I did not notice any change in my legs. They still felt like they had to move at night when I laid down.
After dealing with this for years I decided to do research on it and find out what was going on. I discovered RLS through putting my symptoms into a website and reading descriptions on what my issue could be. RLS fit perfectly and still does. I had talked to my mother about RLS and she told me that she had it too! She said that doctors do not really know how to diagnose this and often times assume that it is a sleeping disorder and try to prescribe medications that do not help.
This idea terrified me because I am not one to put useless things into my body. Except for ice cream...ice cream is delicious and should be enjoyed by everyone.
I decided the best thing for me to do was not tell a doctor about what was going on. I did not want to be attached to a machine to monitor my sleeping habits.
Now I sit here at 3am...like I do probably 5 nights out of the week...waiting to get tired enough to finally go to sleep. It's not that I do not attempt to go to sleep. I lay in bed with my husband and make my best attempt possible at getting into a comfortable position so I can drift off. I never seem to get comfortable though.
I researched (thats how I found this site) home "remedies" for RLS and have tried basically everything I have read to fight this horrible condition. I feel that I am missing out on so much due to this. I don't get enough sleep which leads me to sleep too late or have to take naps during the day. I want to be able to stay awake all day and actually be productive. I have not told my husband about this. I feel that I have too many things wrong with me already and I do not want to add to the list.
Depression
Anxiety
Panic Attacks- several times per day...everyday.
Infertility
PCOS
Bi-Polar disorder
Those are all of the things that he knows about. He does not know about RLS and he does not know that I suffer from PTSD. He had dealt with my psychological issues and my infertility issues rather well, but he is one to believe that any and all psychological issues can be dealt with without medication. I believe there are some conditions that need to be dealt with using medications in order for someone to have that quality of life that everyone speaks of. I know I sure want to have it, but at times I cannot make my mind or body do it on its own. Sometimes I need medications to get over rough times in my life. My husband simply does not understand this, but that is okay. He loves me and he deals with my views and I deal with his. We work together and even if we disagree we do so in a respectful way.
On Wednesday I am going to the doctor to try another round of a fertility drug. I am hopeful that this will lead to a successful pregnancy and that most of my depression and anxiety will clear up as a result of a positive pregnancy test. I have been rather stressed and rather depressed because my husband and I have tried for 3 whole years (sex almost every day) and I have been unable to get pregnant. I am hopeful even though most of my brain tells me that it wont happen. If it doesn't, that is okay. I am prepared to live my life knowing that I will never have children, so if I do end up pregnant it will hands down be the most exciting time of my life.
I have seen a lot of posts on here about people wanting to give up and possibly even consider suicide. I have been down that path...not due to RLS...but due to other significant life events. I can tell you that things do improve no matter how painful (physically or mentally) they are.
I have been down the suicide path. I remember the night vividly and I doubt I'll ever forget. I took 72 OTC high blood pressure cold/flu pills, drank almost an entire bottle of vodka, and somehow managed to take an extacy pill. After it all started kicking in I just remember vomiting bright green. I had not had anything green to eat, so I'm not sure what exactly that was, but it was strange. I then remember laying down in bed and not being able to move at all. I remember thinking that this was it. This is how I'm going to die and it does not hurt. I felt nothing emotionally. I didn't think of my parents...I didn't think of the broken engagement that I had just lost. I didn't think about anybody else but myself and how I would never have to hurt again.
The next thing I know I am waking up late the next day perfectly fine, but groggy. I had survived and I was not sure how. My will to be successful at taking my life was very strong and I made sure to do whatever I could to accomplish it. I failed. At first I felt like I just could not do anything right and then I felt proud that I had survived somehow and thought that this must mean that I have something that I have to do or even I'm here for a reason.
I don't believe this way now. I don't believe I was given a second chance. I believe I did it wrong and could have managed to do something a little different and it would have worked. However, I am very thankful that I failed because I would not be where I am today. RLS is real. The pain and discomfort from it is real. But this is proof that I survived and I am able to feel a wide variety of emotions and sensations that I would have missed out on.
I want everyone to be strong and hold on...find something or somebody to hold onto. Suicide is not a selfish act, but I can assure you that there are many reasons to live. If you can't think of any then you aren't thinking hard enough.
<3
Thanks everyone for reading this loooonnnnggg essay! I've been holding all of this in so long it feels good to finally have it down in front of me. I hope that maybe someone can be inspired or feel more positive from reading this crazy mess.