We were married in September of 1975 and it seems like yesterday. Time goes by so fast. It is a difficult thing to comprehend for a young person, I would not have believed it in 1975. Now I think we are on the verge of ending our marriage. It is purely because of WED and sleep apnea. It is because my wife cannot fathom the difference between who I am and the man I have become because of this sickness. I can't keep fighting this thing, I can't keep being punished for being sick, and I can't keep making my wife feel like she is in a constant free fall. She never knows from one day to the next how I will be, how I will react. We can never make any plans.
I'm lucky to be alive, but I don't believe she understands it fully. I'm tired out. I need some peace. Maybe it would be for the best. I don't want to be around anyone anymore for fear I will get angry. 100% sleep via meds is a terrible way to live, it just is. I think I need to face the facts, I would be far happier to be in a place by myself. I can't take the confrontations, she is always thinking what I am thinking, and she is usually totally incorrect. I have tried to tell her that I would never intentionally argue with her about anything, why would I, I love her. Now I am finally coming to the realization that I can't keep defending myself, I can't continue to keep up this on and off again fighting about nothing.
Good Lord, I am so sick and tired, literally, sick and tired. I just want to enjoy the time I have left. If it means packing my stuff up and moving out and living by myself, I am really thinking I might actually enjoy it. I could work and come home and relax. I could read and write, and play my games, watch movies, and just hangout. It has been a long while since I have used my big ole 8" telescope, or written a book, or did a piece of real artwork. I think I'd enjoy doing those things. I'm just so introverted now, mostly because I need to be, that I think life would be good by myself now.
From my perspective people are treating me badly, to say the least. I just want to avoid conflict. I'm a ticking time bomb. Even at my best the artificial sleep makes it so I am far more tired than a normal person. The last few nights I have slept very little at all. I went to bed for 5 minutes last night. Do I get any slack? No. She just is so thick headed, like many people are, I'm not well. Why can't they see that? I don't have some great plan, I have no soap opera plots, I have no motives for doing much of anything except to want to get through the day with as few problems as possible. It is like the old song, Girls just want to have fun. In this case I would say WED sufferers (me) just want to live on an even keel without rocking the boat, I just want to get along and live. I guess it is too much to ask, but maybe if I lived by myself it would remove most of the conflict and I could just hangout.
I can see from my wife's perspective. I'm just turning into this mean old man and making life difficult for her. If I had a sickness that she could see, I doubt I would be having these problems now, but I look healthy. Really, it sounds rather sad to be all alone, but it might actually give me back some happiness...true but sad. The only thing I can think of that I truly hate is this disease, it has disrupted my whole life and continues to do so. It never seems to end but is always on a course headed for becoming worse. It is just past midnight and I took all my pills hours ago and I'd like to go to bed but I can hardly sit still to type this. I keep nodding off but no sense going to bed if I can't stop moving. Wonderful. I wish I had something good to report, but everything continues to go to hell it seems. I'll probably spend the night looking for an apartment to rent. I suppose I should attempt to go to bed first though, maybe I will actually fall to sleep, stranger things have happened.