I'm back! ..... and scared

[Neco]

Well. It's been about a week since I took the last of the Oxycodone and I finally don't feel like I want to die anymore... It was pretty touch and go there mentally as well. I did a fair bit of "light reading" on just exactly how it is people successfully commit suicide; it was interesting from a morbid perspective if thats your kind of thing.

The constant pain (interestingly localized below my knees) has finally died down, and the RLS symptoms have indeed dropped off massively as far as intensity goes. There may have been some frequency shifts but since I haven't slept proper for the past 2 - 3 weeks now (and not at all in the past 60 hours or so), that may be more of a circadian rhythm thing.. I still don't feel ready to go back to work though, not with untreated RLS Symptoms inteferring with sleep. Although my brother has supoposedly arranged to obtain a not insignificant amount of marijuana from a friend of his; which is an interesting gesture on his part, but his reasoning seems to be to keep me "off that other sh**", meaning Rx opiates. Only downside is I have to wait the whole week cause my brother has to be in chicago for work this week, and his friend was going down south this past weekend. I'm interested to try it out again and see if it really does help as well as I remember from my previous small test, and how much is needed how often.

My sense of taste/smell still haven't returned to normal; everything tastes "expired" to me, whether its fruit or flavored gatorade, etc.. Everything just tastes like its bad or going bad..

It really sucks though because I'm not sure I want to try the Requip again.. The nausea was a pain and finding the dose is gonna be a PITA too. And I don't want to risk it making the RLS worse.

I think I'm going to try to return to work in September.. its a good thing I do not live on the east coast anymore. I'd likely have broken down and bought Heroin off the street to keep going. It's Cheaper than buying diverted RX anyway. At the very least I'd have had easier access to some MJ out there; and maybe a Methadone/Suboxone clinic or two... that's just the crowd I ran with, growing up, I guess.. For now I just have to hold out for the weekend, and see what my brother can produce.

I've got some other weird thing going on where I get these spasms/jerks that reminded me of my seizure problems with Tramadol; but usually only occurs when I am dead tired and/or trying to sleep. It's highly annoying. I'm wondering if it was caused by the Clonidine. That craps is horrible, it can sedate you but not really knock you out unless you take enough that your blood preassure goes, likely, dangerously low. But I haven't touched it for a while and I'm hoping I didn't do some kind of permanent damage from trying to knock myself out and sleep through the RLS/withdrawals.. I've been marathonning America's Got Talent episodes to try and cope

[ViewsAskew]

Ah, the things we do to cope. I've been known to watch an entire season of some weird TV show in just a couple of days. Thanks to Netflix and Amazon Prime, that is.

Glad things have somewhat calmed down on the withdrawal front and the I wanna die front - neither are fun places to be. There are some posts around about which type of marijuana to get - IIRC, you don't want the one that gives the body high....but I could be remembering wrong - sativa was either good or bad, lol, and indica was the other way. But, I honestly do not remember. Not sure how much control your brother has in terms of what strains you get.

[Neco]

Control is largely up to who his friends suppliers are.. I'm just glad he will be able to get some, his friend apparently cut back on his smoking after he had a stroke (poor guys got a bad back and other health issues but he must be a decent person if my brother stayed friends with him. They met in technical college). I guess I can see if he can get some of each. I don't even know what strain I used before, as it was basically one of the guys left over roaches. Still, I just hope it doesn't take a whole lot, and that it lasts long enough that I don't have to try and work "doped out" on the stuff. Still, life without opiates is a very uneasy prospect for me to mentally process. I could probably get into a maintenance clinic or find a suboxone doctor, but they my whole life would be structured around that geographic location.. If I ever had to move.....yeah...

But I'm willing to give it a shot.. I just wish he could have gotten it sooner... like when I was going through the major withdrawal symptoms. I ended up with a fruit fly infestation in my bedroom because I was eating almost nothing and not cleaning up after myself... So now I have to go buy some cider vinegar so I can make some death traps... God damned things are all up in my bathroom too. ugh.

Still haven't been to bed either.. sucks ****, I don't know why I can't fall asleep from exhaustion. I don't even feel exhausted.

[Neco]

I just left my boss a voicemail, letting her know when I planned to attempt returning to work. But I said it was Monday morning; after I hung up my phone I looked at the clock and was like, "oh yeah... its tuesday"

My brain is so fried right now

[Polar Bear]

Exhaustion plus hyper alertness makes for confusion...... It's pretty hard for you at the moment.

[Neco]

Something went wrong somewhere that's for sure..

I totally spaced out around noon and when I came too my room looked like I had been attempting to clean it up or something. But some things were totally misplaced for no logical reason as well.. I'm worried I might have taken some Requip too as I did get SOME sleep after this point, however its back in both arms again and I can't lay still for the most part now..

Which is weird as for the past 3 - 4 days the RLS was there, but only in the left arm/shoulder... hrmmm.. My stomach does feel a little off, but I dunno if thats just because of my taste issues or from actually taking some small amount of Requip.

[Polar Bear]

I am so frustrated that you, and others, and me, go through WED symptom bad times. You are in a really bad situation at the moment.
Noone.... really noone.... can comprehend what an awful damned disease this is unless they are a sufferer.
Some of the threads are heartbreaking, we go to experts for help, and some of them don't know enough to be an expert.
It's like WED sufferers don't really matter ..... folks just don't get it.

My heart goes out to you.......

[Neco]

Thanks.. All we can do is try to move forward. One day at a time.