crappy night

[badnights]

I hate when I get morning WED. I hate it I hate it. I want to sleep. I want to stay asleep another hour, please, but no.....
I tried weighted lunges, somewhat less repulsive while half-asleep than squats, today anyway, threw in some pushups, I don't FEEL like doing it, this'll help, right? but no....
why don't I just go in to work - I'd get there at a normal time for once - I need to wake up and stop thinking about how much of a basket case I'll be in a few hours from chronic repetitive ongoing years of sleep loss with today piled on top....
why don't I do something useful, like my short easy morning yoga routine, or just go to work
because my brain is still asleep
because I resent being up

I resent it
I screamed, I cried; I haven't done that for a while but I could barely look inward let alone find that equanimity that enables me to get through every day... maybe it was there, but I was out here where it sucks.

Good morning, everyone. (Or evening, or whatever, depending where you are geographically and circadianly.) I hope you each have a way way better day than mine's looking to be. Mine will be good once I find that equanimity, so yours will be stellar - I hope. Enough suffering.

[Rustsmith]

Beth, I know exactly what you were experiencing since that described a number of my nights early last month. I am free of them right now only because my doctor increased my pramipexole dose beyond the normal limits. I agreed only because I had to get through the university class that I am teaching this week and our move to Colorado next month. I know that I am going to have to pay the price in the not too distant future. Hopefully I will have been able to get an appointment with one of the doctors that have been recommended to me and that one of them will be willing to prescribe the opiates that I will need to get off of DAs without too many horrible nights like you just had.

I should also add that going to work is probably not a great idea. Not because of issues at work but because if you are anything like I was, driving while severely sleep deprived is just asking for a wreck. Before I started getting more sleep, my wife was talking about shipping our car to Colorado and then flying there instead of driving because she was afraid that I would fall asleep while I was driving and she was sleeping. Now that I am off of Neupro and getting more rest, that is not going to be a problem.

[ViewsAskew]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Beth }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[jul2873]

When I wake up too early, I walk downstairs and take a little cup with orange juice and kratom in it from the refrigerator, drink it, and then can almost always go back to bed for another couple of hours. I keep a supply of cups with orange juice and 1/2 tsp. of kratom made up in the refrigerator for when I need them.

[Yankiwi]

Beth, I'm so sorry you had such a bad night and worse morning. I hope tonight is better. Your description of what so many of us go through was perfect.

I remember, before I started on any medication and had to get up at 6 to get to work, I'd lie awake (in between being up) and think (totally counter productively) "If I get to sleep now I'll get x number of hours of sleep, then x –whatever, until sometimes it would get to be 6am and too late for any sleep. Sometimes crying was my last resort too and that's not very helpful either--no beauty sleep then self inflicted splotchy skin and bigger bags under the eyes!

Best wishes for a decent night.

[debbluebird]

I hate those bad nights.

[ViewsAskew]

One of the things I've noticed over the years is that I am much less accepting of these times than I used to be. Oh-so resentful. And, almost panicky that they still happen. I used to be more accepting about it. I don't know why I started hating it so much.

[Polar Bear]

Last night was bad for me with symptoms and not much working..... was walking in the garage, thrashing in a guest bed,
got a half hour sleep and then woke up again thrashing and not being in my own bed I ended falling out of bed. DH heard the crash and came to find what had happened.
During the night I made an entry in my diary.
When I read it this morning .... it was so sad. A very miserable person came across and it was hard to believe that 'it was me'.
Today I am 'up and running' and facing the world. During the night it was like a parallel life.

[Yankiwi]

During the night it was like a parallel life.

Those awful spells at night are like a parallel life, a taste of being a zombie.

[debbluebird]

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time. I agree with Ann. It seems like I can hardly handle the bad nights anymore and mine aren't even as bad as they used to be. I think we are all just worn out.

[Polar Bear]

just worn out.

That's a really good description.

[badnights]

Good posts - advice, commiseration, enouragement, echos. Nice to read since I've again been pushed out of bed by WED and I'm wandering the house trying to deal. I poured water from a jug onto my tablet earlier - I jolted into full consciousness and realized I'd been wandering up and down the hall from bedroom to kitchen, picking things up and putting them down, perhaps with some purpose in mind, but nothing I could recall as I jumped and stopped pouring water onto my tablet....

I love that parallel life phrase, Betty.

I dunno about worse with age. I think in general I'm doing better with it.

[Polar Bear]

Beth - I re-read your post hoping it was just a keyboard that you poured water over.... Is your tablet now ruined?

picking things up and putting them down, perhaps with some purpose in mind, but nothing I could recall

This rather reminds me of a time a few months ago.

For at least a couple of years my GP had been prescribing me amitryptilin to help with sleep. I had refused for a long time for fear of a negativity on RLS symptoms but eventually gave it a go. There didn't appear to be any bad side effect re RLS. There also didn't appear to be much help with sleep. He thought it would help also with fibromyalgia.... hmm.. I didn't see any difference there either.

During the nights, at the computer, proper monitor, tower, desk, seated etc. I'd be doing something and then catch myself in the middle of reaching out mid-air for something, but couldn't quuite recall what I was reaching for, always mid-air, not towards something on the desk. This happened quite regularly, mostly during the night but not always, and I considered it to be from exhaustion, that I was dropping off to sleep for moments/little dreams.

Anyways, I was always so foggy during the day, really bad, and decided that the amitryptiline was of no benefit and weaned myself off over a couple of months.
This made a big difference, no more fogginess even though there was no extra sleep.
And I've just at this moment realised - a " de ja vu moment" - as I'm seated here in front of the desk monitor (rather than with tablet on my lap)...... it's been so long since I unexplainably reached out for something that I can't actually remember the last time.
Yaaaay.... I've found a positive !!

Regarding a parallel life - why couldn't it be fun..... and feature Daniel Craig.... clearly I've recently seen the hype about the new Bond movie out next week.

[badnights]

lol the parallel night life always seems creepy-wierd when it happens, never fun like it should be!

I totally get your symptom of reaching for things in mid-air, it's exactly the state of mind I was in as I was pouring water over my tablet (yes, a tablet computer) - maybe I was thirsty and thought I had a glass in my hand?? I have no idea, but I'd been up and about for a few minutes at that point and it took the shock of water hitting me to jolt me fully awake.

I dried the tablet off and it turns on and runs programs, though the main screen is two colors instead of one... it will probably fix with a re-boot, nothing serious.

I think part of it is the zopiclone, but I only take half of 7.5, and I don't have those episodes before I fall asleep, only if I'm really tired and get woken by symptoms. I owulnd't be surprised if it only happens within a couple hours of taking the zopiclone, but I'm not sure.

[Rustsmith]

I think that you are probably right about the zopiclone. I found that zolpidem was very effective for getting me to sleep, but got scared of it when I found that I had apparently gotten up and gone down to the hotel restaurant and had breakfast while I was traveling. I remember walking into the restaurant and then being back on my floor walking back to my room. My room tab had a rather large breakfast bill and I was full, so I know that I ate. But I have no idea what happened for that hour. I have refused to take zolpidem ever since simply because it scares me what could happen if I was to decide to go our for a drive or something like that.

And glad your tablet appears to have survived. Good thing it was a tablet and not a laptop!