World War III - I pushed the button

[badnights]

OK, I can live with that. Made my night!

[leggo_my_legs]

Views,

We have a lot in common. Also lifelong food issues here. Dad was also a drinker. My experience of abuse was largely emotional neglect from both parents. This too can really scar a person.

So glad you have great friends to help! I have some but not enough who get this kind of thing.

[ViewsAskew]

Views,

We have a lot in common. Also lifelong food issues here. Dad was also a drinker. My experience of abuse was largely emotional neglect from both parents. This too can really scar a person.

So glad you have great friends to help! I have some but not enough who get this kind of thing.

I have been very lucky. Very, very, very lucky. I also had to completely change my set of friends at some point. It has been so long now that I often do not think about it.

Emotional neglect is terrible! Definitely can cause scars - many of them. When I first started therapy, I remember minimizing my experiences when I would hear of others' that seemed so much worse than mine. Not sure why we humans feel such a strong need to qualify such things and place them on some imaginary scale, but we do. Each experience is what it is and cannot be compared to any other or diminished because it somehow seems less bad! To add to the complexity, each of us has a very different reaction to it and capacity to handle it.

[leggo_my_legs]

Views, I appreciate what you said, especially the last paragraph. I have said similar things many times.

It was my mom's birthday in Oct. Usuaĺly I send a card and or call. This year I just emailed. I haven't wanted to engage. If I had the energy I would have sent a card but I did not get it together

This has prompted a smattering of emails, phone calls, and texts such as "I didn't hear from you for my birthday, I have some concerns," and other similar communications.

It is amazing that she thinks my well being is dependent on talking to her and her knowing "what's going on with you," when the opposite is true.

She is intrusive. If I keep this up long enough she'll start asking my sister about me and my sister will complain and ask me to talk to her. My dad has even gotten in on the action, and he divorced her!

The more intrusive she gets the less I want to talk to her. Then she will eventually lash out with anger and more guilt trips. She has said things like ''I thought I raised you better than that," etc etc.

Vent over...

[ViewsAskew]

My first foray into self-help and making my life better was reading the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I still go back to one of her tenets (EDITED FOR HORRIBLE SPELLING, LOL) when I need to. If possible, detach with love. When that doesn't work, detach however you have to. When we stay enmeshed, it keeps us from healing. And, is it SO easy for them to suck us back in if we are not vigilant.

Your mom definitely sounds difficult to deal with. We require more to be a babysitter in some states than we do to have children (nothing). Yet we can do so much damage - usually because of our own crap that we haven't dealt with. Makes me sad.

[leggo_my_legs]

Views, yeah it is really sad more isn't required to be a parent. I read that book too.

My mom tends to apologize for the past. I can get over the past. But she does the same crap now. Zero insight. I'm just fed up.

[badnights]

leggo, if it's impacting you negatively, you have to save yourself. When I was 21, I got a job 3000 miles away from her. I don't recall that there were a lot of other jobs in the offing, but it was a 3-month job and I stayed 35 years (and counting). Regardless of my job options at the time, I always say to people that I got as far away from my mother as I could, because she was sucking the life-force out of me.

I saw very little of her while I was raising my children. (I should have brought my kids to see them more, in hindsight.) But when I went to her after my dad had a stroke and then died, I found that nothing had changed - - she's 83 and she still sucks the life force out of me. I can define it better, now, though. She demands my constant attention, and if I pay attention to anything else (including my dad when he was still alive and drooling and trying to speak), she manages to make me feel guilty about it, or she gets angry and steals the attention back to herself that way.

Point is, your mother might be just as unlikely to change, and you might want to consider how you'll feel in 10 or 20 years if you've allowed her to continue feeding off of you during that time.

I like the quote Ann gave us. It reminds me not only of my mom but also the second man I lived with, especially the last line. An emotional vampire. I wonder if I allowed him into my life because growing up with my mom had left me unable to recognize the aberrations in him.

If possible, detach with love. When that doesn't work, detach however you have to. When we stay enmeshed, it keeps us from healing. And, is it SO easy for them to suck us back in if we are not vigilant.

[leggo_my_legs]

leggo, if it's impacting you negatively, you have to save yourself. When I was 21, I got a job 3000 miles away from her. I don't recall that there were a lot of other jobs in the offing, but it was a 3-month job and I stayed 35 years (and counting). Regardless of my job options at the time, I always say to people that I got as far away from my mother as I could, because she was sucking the life-force out of me.

Great description of how it feels. I'm sorry you have had a similar experience. So glad you found that job and got as far away as you could!

I don't feel much of anything towards her anymore. It's kind of like I've short circuited and just don't want to engage.I feel much happier not engaging.

Plus I don't want to deal with her creepy husband..
When she remarried she chose a child molester who had just gotten out of prison. They are totally enmeshed and when I call he lays on the guilt too: "Your mother will be happy to talk to you," etc. I know she talks to him about her relationship with me and it grosses me out. Plus it's so gross the way he says "your mother" because he should be referring to her by name, by what she is to HIM, not me.

[badnights]

Plus I don't want to deal with her creepy husband..
When she remarried she chose a child molester who had just gotten out of prison. They are totally enmeshed and when I call he lays on the guilt too: "Your mother will be happy to talk to you," etc. I know she talks to him about her relationship with me and it grosses me out. Plus it's so gross the way he says "your mother" because he should be referring to her by name, by what she is to HIM, not me.

EEEYYEWWW

[Brynmr]

I pushed the button on my brother in 2009. In 2015 he showed up at my door and apologized. I didn't apologize but gratefully accepted his apology. We've been close ever since. A few weeks ago I pushed the button on my 13 year old granddaughter. Maybe when she's older she'll drop by without her smart phone. I just can't/won't tolerate unacceptable behavior anymore.

[Rustsmith]

I have 3 younger sisters and the oldest of the 3 was continually on my case from as soon as she could talk until I left home for college. I even selected a school on the far side of Texas (800 miles away) so that I wouldn't be expected to come home very often. MANY years later I asked my middle sister why she hadn't help defend me more often when we were kids. She said that she wanted to, but was too scared because the two of them had to share a room and she preferred that I remain the target rather than have it shift to her.

Well, as years passed, the older sister became more pleasant to be around and ironically, her husband's personality is rather like mine. Then, a few years after our middle sister passed away, the older sister and I were able to have a private conversation (we were both in our mid 50's by then). I asked why she was so mean to me when we were younger. At first she said "what do you mean?" But after thinking for a bit, she admitted that thinking back that she realizes that she had been a "bit of a brat" (that was a major admission on her part) and apologized for her actions. We will never be close friends, but at least I can feel that she can be trusted now and that I can rely upon her to act properly in my behalf in the event of any emergencies that would also incapacitate my wife because she is my nearest living family.

So, you never know. I don't quite agree with the old saying about "time heals all wounds", but it does help.

[Polar Bear]

When reading todays postings here I went back and read the last two pages.
What wonderful people we have here, finding such strength. I applaud you.

I felt that my mother in particular was very cold, contrary and difficult, but eventually came to understand that it was not personal. She did not know how to be any different and unfortunately missed out on so much joy. When she succummed to dementia she became a lovely person.